u/Buseatdog

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated .

So at about 6-7 months after my beautiful lady of 22 years passed away I was looking for inimate connections on apps. What started as a friends with benefits has been continuing for 8 months now. More emotional attachments on both ends have flourished. But we have continued as per her stating that we are a friends with benefits. But I’ve realized this is causing her pain.
She has cried and informed me so that her true wants is a relationship but wants to continue what we’re doing regardless as she loves me.
She also has unique situation of a 10 year old boy that’s Autistic and is still going through a divorce .so a normal relationship on her end is complicated as well.
I guess the biggest thing that gives her pain is that when we started this my home , ( I live in 400 square foot apt in a high rise ) is a bit of shrine to my passed lady. There are many pictures of us together in this small space. My social media account still has our picture up as the profile as I havnt had it in me to change it. She says it’s not so much all the pictures that hurts but I’ve not made any room for her in all of this, she doesn’t get to be up on wall or on my pro pic ect… I believe what she says is Valid. I can get uncomfortable when she wants a selfie with me occasionally when she hold my hand or tries to I feel I get uncomfortable and she’s noticed.
It all brings up guilt.
Now although I’ve thought about taking down some of photos and have thought about doing before this conversation . I feel like doing now would and could lead to resentment. There will always be a photo or two of my late spouse up . I will never not have her part of my life. But maybe less .
I guess I’m torn should I be doing this out of respect out of this new relationship or should I be ending things, working on myself, working on my grief and organically moving forward when I’m ready ? I mean it’s only been 14 months. This will hurt this new woman and myself but would also stop causing her pain as well.

Physio says I should be walking with a shoe that has a bit of rolling sole. I hate the look of most runners? Anything close to appearance of a skate shoe but of gel soft rolling support of a running shoe?

It’s been about 14 months since she has been gone. I know she’s gone physically , sometimes it’s still a very harsh reality that I’ll never hold her , see her , or have a proper conversation with her again for the rest of my life.
I still talk to her out loud at times well do things for her like read her fav books out loud .
Occasionally I get mad / or frusterated or let down that she hasn’t shown up suddenly , like part of me still expects this to happen , even though I know … it simply won’t.
Though there’s been signs she is here with me in a different form , spiritually , energy what ever it is. These things have been way to intense or way more than a coincidence for me to believe otherwise.
When I get these hellos I usually cry or stop crying and say thanks cutie out loud .

It’s been a year and almost 2 months since my Tori changed from human life to what ever is after. During her time with cancer , getting her calories in daily or any food was a difficult for her. Boost shakes were the norm , she could usually stomach a few chicken nuggets. I’d make them or anything she was willing to try and eat. I left my freezer open accidentally last night and things near the front had to be tossed. It was time my freezer had a clean out. In the back I found the bag maybe 10 left . Still frozen no ice build up. I won’t generally eat them , but I couldn’t throw them out.
I’ve donated many if her things over the last year , kept pictures a few of her clothes ,other things she held dear glasses. But many many things I’ve been able to part with.
Why could I not part with these nuggets today , I don’t know why
But there in the freezer they sit. Frozen in time.

I’ve been working with a grief councillor. She told me about emdr. I lost my wife to cancer. They were times of trauma, but also times of love.
Our last kiss for example … it takes my breath away , it was so fucking beautiful but also so sad.
I feel like there’s some memories like the what ifs that haunt me , could I have changed the outcome if I had done this or that. Maybe those memories would be better suited for this?
Although things like our last kiss is linked to trauma I feel like maybe the love should be sad and overwhelming , not just happy and maybe I should not be tampering with these memories.
Any thoughts or insights?

Yum

Exactly what the title says!

I’m sure it resonates with a lot here but I’m particularly interested if anyone who’s spouse passed of cancer has watched it. I havnt , I feel like I would like too but not sure if it will be to heavy.

I paid 25 dollars for 3 hours of parking . I’m currently on crutches and yes admittedly I was 8 mins late getting back to car. Lady at parking phone says they have 2 mins discretion and yes I suppose I was in wrong . But end of day I paid 25 bucks to park and now being penalized 46 if I pay now , or 77 if I dispute, that’s right if I dispute and lose it’s automatically the higher amount. Again I know I was in wrong , phone in backpack and I got behind while crutching back and I feel like the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.
So I ask anyone dispute and get off with 0 fine for similar reasons?

Yesterday marked a year since her passing . Cancer took her at the young age of 50. I think lots of times it makes me sad when I see elderly couples and we didn’t get to experience , that but lately when I see kids so full of life and smiles. It reminds me that she was once full of that same life , . I did her photo / memorial video and went through all her child hood pics, one she captioned once I was just a little girl , now when I see them it can tear me a part.
I wish she could have a second chance at life , I’d give up having ever even meeting her if she could just just have a chance of a longer healthier life .

Hi , so this Wednesday will be a full year without her. She passed after a courageous battle with cancer. The days leading up to her passing were so heavy . It was just me and her at home with a nurse in next room to come keep pain in check .

The days just before were just so damn heavy but also some of the most beautiful love filled Ill. Ever experience. The last kiss she shared with me before she laid down you can tell she knew she was laying down for the last time. It was the most loving thing I’ve ever experience and special but it also rips my heart out.

I don’t ever want to forget but these days fills me with so much grief .

I’ll do things to remember her in the next couple days , look at photos , talk with her mom and family , eat at our favourite spot and I’ll love to do it as I’ll always be proud to keep her memory alive .

Her name was Tori and I’ll always keep room in my heart for her . No matter how much it can hurt.

That hurt is Love