Would anyone be willing to listen to my rants and help me out a bit? I just feel like these days everyone around me is busy and I have no one to talk about how i'm feeling and what's going with me. I feel exhausted.
Hi, I'm from India! I recently got accepted into NUS under a masters course and wanted to know about accomodations. I read that getting on campus accomodation is difficult for a masters course so i'm not set on that. I am looking in propertyguru and 99.co and few other websites regarding the accomodation(mainly HDB's). But yea I am having hard time choosing one specifically so need a bit of help on how I can choose one.
Aside from accomodation i'd also be needing a sim so looking for a good telecom provider for international students.
Aside from this is there anything else I need to know about before going?
Thank you for the responses in advance!
my_qualifications: B.tech
I grew up always having trouble in my social life and at some point I found myself thinking way too much about other people(like how they would percieve me, what they would think of me) than myself so in the end I started living for others and completely lost myself. I realised this too late and right now I don't know anything about myself and I find myself not having my own thoughts, they are always dependent on others. Thus I am a huge people pleaser. I really can't point to reason of why I turned like this. This is just a part of it, I also have aot of fear, anxiety when ever people are involved and brain becomes in a way I am unable to communicate at all, I just stand there smiling awkwardly unable to talk to anyone and can't hold up a simple conversation.
I want to change but I can never stop having thoughts like how i'm not good enough, how people are gonna judge me if I don't succeed and mamy others few of them being of why is my existence even important. Sometimes it comes to a point where it feels like it would be better if I was'nt there and I would just comepletly disappear.
Even through all this I did subjectively well in terms of studies and now I got to a point where i'm going abroad.
But here's the thing when i'm at home I completely disassociate with people and rarely talk to anyone as it the only place where I could atleast have few thoughts as such. But I have the other friend going with me and I want to live alone not be associated with them but since the day I decided that I keep having thoughts of how that person woukd think and not give a little shit about myself. I also keep worrying and get super anxious about how I'll live with them through out the college as we would be sticking togther. I hate this so much. I just want to go alone and not with them at all. I can't stop feeling anxious at all.
Mind you this was my dream college and the first thought i had when i got the offer was how will I live that person and didn't feel happy one bit. Why am I always lost in other people? Why is it so difficult to think of myself even just a bit?
I have this huge secret that I have never told soul and it is one of the things that makes me feel humiliation but also feel really sorry for myself.
-SELF HARM
Covid hit
When covid hit in 2020 my 10th completed and I entered my 11th which is called intermediate here and me listening to my parents and being a goody two shoes chose the medicine which was fine because i didnt know what i was doing with my life anyways.
Let's first see how my life was before covid and before my 11th.
I used to go tp tutoring since like really early age. And most of the I had a little free time. But that was before in 8th. During that period i joined a new tutoring class and it was really hectic. Used to wake up at 5 in the morning for the tutoring classes, tgen head to school, then come back home for a 30-40 min break and go back to my tutor, come back home at 8 in the night, eat do my homeworks and sleep. So basically from my 8th standard to 10th standard I had no free time even on the weekends.
So home became a place where I would even lay a finger on a book or study anything.
Now going back to me being in 11th, we had online classes and me being my relaxed self at home didnt attend the classes properly or didnt study at all. At the begenning it was fun and games but the more I got used to it the more worse it became for me.
So when i didnt attend the classes my college used to call to ask why I didnt attent thr classes and i coulf just say i was not feeling well or had a important thing outside. But how many more excuses can make? Mind you the college I attended is known for making their students study like hell and used to keep tests every single week and would call out everyonr who scored less. I skipped attending classes for long time and the calls kept coming everyday and I really used to anxious about it everyday. It became worse for my mental health in a way that i used cry myself to sleep every night and pray to revert time so I could have attended those classes. Then I stopped lifting those calls completely and i blocked the numbers as well.
When i didnt lift they would call my parents and my mom used to ask me why I wasn't attending and just say some excuse(my mom didn't care much). They kept calling her everyday as well so i blocked the numbers in her phone as well. I started becoming anxious and strated having like panic attacks( I don't wanna self diagnose but I felt my heart pounding really bad, my mind going into turmoil and start sweating like crazy, at those momemts all i could think was it would have been easier if i wasn't here at all). I used to hide mine and my moms phone after everyone slept. Then in the morning when they coouldnt find their phone I would act like I found it for them. We used to have monthly parent teacher meetings and everytime we had one I felt like I was dying. Again used to sweat profusely, heart pounding like crazy and couldnt think straight. I used to avoid wrting those tests as well but couldnt avoid that as well cause of their calls. This continued till my 12th.
Here comes the part where I felt like I came to an end and thought there was no way out of this for me. Since childhood whenever I had tests and think I woukd do bad at them I used to imagine me being hurt or being hospitalized just so I coulf avoid the test. That took a worse turn during this time. My anxiety grew to its peaks and tried to hurt myself thinking I could just fall now and everything would be fine. But I didn't end up hurting self much. I used to bang my head hard on the wall hoping to faint. But I did stop.
Thankfully I didn't hurt myself to the point something happened to me.
Then came actual exams. Before having those exams we had mock tests. As i didn't study anything I was terrified to attempt those exams. I grew thinking/percieving failure is the worst that could happen. So i remember the day I begged my mom for me to skip the first exam. I cried a lot a begged for a lot of time but my mom insisted on me writing that exam. I am really thankful she did that. After wrting the exam it made me realise how it is not a big of a deal and made it seem like my life depended on it.
But the anxiety continued of not attending the classes. In the end it turned out well and good since I shifted from medicine to CS and felt a bit more assured. But to this day I have trouble picking up calls from anyone. Tbh I don't pick up calls anymore and whenever i hear a ringtone or vibration I get terrified at that momemt.
I know everything that happened here is what I bought myself upon and nothing changes that. I knew I could have set things right by attending tge classes and tests but it came to a point where I physically and mentally couldn't do it. I also know it wasn't that big of a deal but I grew up as someone being studious me doing all that made me feel like a failure and felt like I hit rock bottom.
Thinking back now I really don't know how I managed to survive each day feeling that way. I remeber feeling not living would be better than having to go through all this.
In most ways I still am the same in having those thoughts to being anxious everyday. I still have a hard time getting through things but have reduced the amount of self damage I do to myself.
I just find it hard living but carrying on with it.
I think i've been coming here really frequently and everyday it's cause of the same reason I'am scared of how i'm gonna live with this friend of mine in another country for studies. The person i'm talking about, we just clash in a lot of opinions and me being the people pleaser I always go with what they say even if I don't wanna do that. I really don't like doing this and I wanna stop it. STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER COMPELTELY AND LIVE SELFISHLY FOR MYSELF. But i'm unable to take the step forward. And in a few months we are going to a different country together and everyday I keep thinking of how i'm gonna live with them, getting really anxious. I do really wanna live alone and not with them. But that person would want to live together. It is completely okay for me to live with who I want or alone right ? But why do I keep having thoughts of what is she gonna say or think, how am i gonna reply? I can't stop thinking this at all. Why is it so difficult for me to think about myself rather than others? Why am I not my priority? Why am I feeling more anxious than excited when I ended up getting into my dream colleg? How did i end up like this.
Hi! I'm currently a undergraduate student(almost coming to an end) and going into mtech in the course AI. So before going to mtech whoch starts in August I wanted to learn AI as much as I can. I have learned it before going into ML and DL but it was never into the practical side and also know just a few.
So I just wanted to know how I can start fresh and actually learn and implement things. Can you guys suggest like a good course or youtube videos or anything that actually makes to learn stuff?
Thanks a lot for the help in advance!
I just am not able to anything anymore, I see myself everyday and just hate myself everyday, I hate how I look, how I can never have clear face, i hate how self concious I am, I hate how I can't talk to people, I hate the way Iive so much and I'm not able to let go of the fear. Whenever I'm hurting I can't even twll to other people as I always feel like i'm playing the victim card and is not even that serious and in th ened just feel like i'm seeking attention. I don't think I'll be able to survive in this world at all, Everytime I talk to others I get so anxious about how they think of me and sow myself in a inferior way. I hate myself so much. I had my visa interview 2 times to visit my sister and both times they wete rejected cause why? I Cant fuking TALK in a convincig way. I just also got accepted in my dream college and I dont even feel happy about it. I hate myself so much.