u/CallMeJimMilton

Hello, I’ve smoked just about every single day all day since I was 19, I’m 29 now. I’ve always wanted to stream and make content for people to enjoy. But weed has made that impossible for me. It stripped away all my motivation and drive, and it makes even starting feel like an insurmountable task. Most of my co-workers smoke during the job, my girlfriend smokes, most people in my life do. I’m turning 30 soon and I really want to leave it behind in my 20s. But it’s so much more painful than I thought it would be.

I quit yesterday afternoon after smoking before my shift started. I had realized I once again was going to be late because I wasn’t high enough to start my day, and I decided that was it. It was hard to fall asleep that night and my dreams were crazy, I also kept having night sweats. It was absolutely terrible but I woke up feeling pretty good!

My girlfriend came over today and her head was hurting, so she asked if she could step on my balcony to smoke a joint. I said that was fine. She really made sure and I agreed I could handle it. I so desperately wanted to go out there and hit it just once. I kept trying to rationalize it. Reading posts on here about “night smoking” thinking maybe I could just try that, but I knew I was just coping. I didn’t go out there. I stayed right here on the couch and stayed strong. I did ask to smell the joint when she was done, she didn’t want to let me but I insisted. It helped push back the craving a bit.

She ended up leaving a couple hours later, and I gave her everything. My weed, grinder, ash tray, lighters, pens, all of it. I have nothing to smoke and I’m off for the next two days. After she left, I put my face in my hands and cried. Fully sobbed. I couldn’t tell you why. It felt like… loss? Like I was losing part of myself, which I guess I am, but not a part I want to keep.

I don’t have a problem with weed itself, but for me, it made me accept the way things were. It made me comfortable and content with my life and stripped away the want to grow and achieve more. It made me okay with being bored and not streaming. I don’t want to watch YouTube for 10 hours on my days off getting high anymore. I want to live. I want to achieve the best version of myself. I don’t want to depend on this plant anymore. I just want to be me, whoever that is.

Thanks for reading, I’m about to go to bed soon. Day 1 was miserable, but I made it.