u/Calm-Substance-548

I hate being vulnerable but fuck it. . Tw for dysphoria and mentions of genitals / sensations

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I used to be on T a few years back but had to stop for a few reasons (ie: unsafe family environment, poor scheduling). One of those reasons were how uncomfortable i was with the feeling of atrophy and topical E, >!specifically how discharge felt from the topical E tablets dissolving!< .

Recently I got back on T and the first month is great, but now im running into problems with atrophy, AGAIN. Except this time im wetter, and its extremely uncomfortable.

I wouldnt say my bottom dysphoria is as bad as other avenues, and for a plethora of reasons im not getting phallo (maybe meta but id have to see if technology advances further w prosthetics or if alleviating those other avenues would make me satisfied enough) but ohhh my GODD i dont know how much more of this i can take. I think I also have a UTI but i cant do anything about it until my appointment tomorrow

I remember reading on another sub about guys getting IUDs in the place of topical E, which i was already planning to get just as birth control. But ive also read that its anecdotal, and that since they only carry Progestin and not E they wouldnt really do much other than maybe be uncomfortable going in and just act as birth control.

If I have to go back on topical E, i will. But i really do not like the sensation. The only other option is the cream, which would be even more detrimental to my mental health. I dont know what to do. I wish there was an option to just have a normal amt of wet and not have to constantly think about being born with a part that makes me feel trapped.

Idk what to tag this as. Using a throwaway cuz i dont want ts to be linked back to my main (most of my posts are abt alternative subcultures.) User flair is like this because while i talk to my therapist, an official diagnosis hasnt been put down (ive had other shit come up that takes priority over that, and the dx would only benefit me for a treatment plan.)

Anyways, this is half a vent half me being inquisitive.

Ive always kind of reveled in arguments. Idk if this is common, but im used to doing the right thing, not because of some deep instinctual drive to be nice or kind, but because i can tell myself that im the "better" one in a situation.

I noticed this pattern recently. I just went through a friend breakup, and one of the things that i recognized was me reaching out, not out of a wholly pure desire to catch up, but to say "yeah, nobody could say i didnt try." I hated arguing with someone who was supposed to be my friend. I hated and LOVED that they tried emotionally manipulating me at the end of the conversation, and thought that it would do shit other than make me laugh.

I hate being right about people. I hate that i try to give people patience and grace (especially when i wanna say fuck it and just curse them clean tf out). I hate that i have the mentality of "well that person was useless anyway-- fuck them!" Or "i never needed people" .

But back to, ive noticed that i had/have a tendency to do everything "right", and possibly out of coping, told myself that even though I got dogged, or got fucked over, or hurt, Im still better than the other people in the situation. Or in the very least, when i do little shit (ie: the reaching out), and people prove me right (ie: said friend admitting they ignored my efforts on purpose) i tell myself "well i knew u were gonna do that anyways LMAO" or "im never wrong".

1 - Is this common, or am I alone in these feelings? Im still processing them, so i dont think im looking to hear if im a fucked up person or not. I know that a large portion of my life was straight up survival.

2- Is this worth bringing up to my therapist at all? The actual friend breakup is gonna be discussed, but I prefer this mentality over the people-pleasing i was harshly raised with. We already covered how to handle possible collapses, emotional regulation and how to handle percieved rejection, so if its a thing of "yeah bro thats kind of an issue, go heal" then i just have to take that on the chin.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/IqZNof8DaX

Hi all!! Just wanted to give an update if anyone cares to read or was interested.

I also have to thank the people in the thread again that were affirming and especially thank the people informing me abt how STIs work / can spread. Ive been kinda sitting with myself and thinking about my own relationship with sex and barriers, as well as communicating what my boundaries are. I also don't want to make it sound like Im "such a perfect partner" or that i have all my shit figured out with no blame whatsoever towards myself, either. Everybodys still figuring it out, and thats fine. My issue isnt abt the STI itself anymore, just about how everything after is handled.

Aspen and I are still together. They also tested positive, and theyre on antibiotics as well. We've also communicated rules and boundaries moving forward (ie: testing ~every 3 months or so, not going unbarriered with other partners and if we choose to go back on that we use barriers with eachother, etc), and while i think I'm still a neurotic person i think clarifying with other partners (or new partners) where we stand when it comes to what safe(r?) sex practices look like is good. (Something that I know i couldve done better or in the very least wouldve been helpful for all of us since communication was lacking in that department.)

Nothing new happening with Cedar. We're still friends/acquainted afaik.

Birch and I broke up. Initially I apologized for my initial response of panic and spiraling (something that despite my best efforts, was apparent in the conversation). I voiced my concern with their more lackadaisical tone with the situation at hand, and we promised eachother to make time to have a conversation (like me and Aspen had) to clarify boundaries, discuss our approaches to sex and at least see if we're still on the same page.

Without making this any longer than it is, and w/o giving too many details about us, here's a few bulletpoints on why it didnt work out. As non-biased as i can make it (or as my old therapist put it "just the facts")

- Blame shifting towards Cedar

- incompatibility, more particularly in how we communicate

- they kept saying they'll "get around to it tommorrow" and when tommorrow came again, they basically said theyll have an appointment "soon".

Im not too sure how to end this post. Im very frustrated and heartbroken. Its also not that we dont have access to resources or free testing-- im just frustrated. I didnt like how things were handled on their end. And if im somehow wrong about Birch or that they were somehow unaffected by all this, then theyre now free to be around more like-minded partners that have more understanding or patience.

Thanks for reading if yall got to the end . I think im open to responding or reading responses no matter the tone of it and if im wrong i'll have to take it on the chin. Idk