u/Calm_Adeptness_1322

im really sorry if this is long in advance i just need someone’s input on my situation that’s been occurring for a while. this is also my first post on this subreddit so sorry for any mistakes

hi everyone,
i’ve (18F) been with my boyfriend (18M) for about 18 months officially but we also took a break back in sep 2024 and were close friends beforehand for a while, we then got back together in january 2025. for some context, he used to be heavily addicted from the age of 13 and would masterbait to porn sometimes 10 times a day during summer, knew a lot of pornstars names, had accounts on tiktok, instagram, reddit, twitter, discord etc just to watch porn as well as the hub, when we were friends he would also sexualise his female friends and say weird stuff about them to me, he follows all their spam accounts on ig and used to like a lot of their stories where their body is shown, like bikinis wtv. one time he also said i looked like a certain pornstar and i was like his personal *⭐️ name*. he is also my first boyfriend and was one of my first close male friends, im his 2nd girlfriend and first mixed (black and white) girlfriend if that’s relevant, before him i had 0 sexual experience or just romantic experience in general while he had done everything. we haven’t had penetrative sex (PIV or anal) but have done everything else and are both virgins

we ended up getting together in summer 2024 but he never officially asked me out, throughout this period he was still watching porn a lot and when he saw me naked for the first time he couldn’t get hard, this really crushed my confidence and honestly made me feel like shit. for other reasons we decided to not be together. we shared one class together in school and one time i overheard him talking with his friends how he can’t stop using reddit and he’s on it for hours (watching porn). i also used to watch porn (irregular basis) but have fully stopped since february 2025 as i just didn’t agree with it the more i thought about it. i have also felt extremely insecure in our relationship and it’s something im trying to work on by going to the gym and fixing my appearance. i would say i have a nice figure but more on the slim side since i have lost weight due to exam stress and from when we first started dating. me and him also used to send explicit pictures and videos to each other and even made our own together stuff since he has a high libido and mine is low/moderate so i didn’t want him to not abstain from masterbaiting if it meant he didn’t watch porn. i had a firm boundary that porn was a no go in our relationship from around march 2025 and id leave if i caught him watching it

in early january 2025 my boyfriend had an exam (mock season) and he left his phone with me. ik i shouldn’t have but i went through his phone and saw some stuff i really didn’t want to see. he had porn videos in his reddit history of varying kinds from hentai to an old woman and i even saw one step sis video😵‍💫 he had another instagram account where he was messaging some girl but it wasn’t anything sexual but i still thought it was weird and followed lots of women there, i never got a chance to check his instagram favourites to see if there were any saved videos/pictures. he had another tiktok account that had naked women in his favourites and he followed hundreds of random women, some of which were nude or thirst trap type accounts. i went through the instagram accounts of his female friends and that’s where i found out he was liking their instagram stories (from a while back tbf). i saw on his discord that there were porn links from 2023 (not recent so not as relevant). i also saw that his exs nudes are still saved in their saved chat from 2023/24. these all made me extremely upset so i ghosted him, it also made me flop my mock exam the next day as i couldn’t stop crying. this made me see him differently as we were already having problems about this sort of stuff, it really ruined my self esteem since it made me feel used and ruined my perspective of love. following his exam i didn’t speak to him and left school, he called me about 40 times and messaged me on everything asking what happened and why did i leave but i just felt so upset i couldn’t talk to him. i told him that it’s better we aren’t together and how shit i feel in the relationship. we were talking for a while and then he called me to explain. he said that he used porn as an escape when he was younger and because he was so exposed to it he became desensitised and was addicted. he also told me that he watched it because of some family problems that had been happening the days beforehand, he was scrolling on reddit late at night when he just stumbled on the porn videos and couldn’t stop watching. he said it was very brief and he didn’t masterbait but i think he was lying. he also said he felt disgusted with himself afterwards and he still loved me so much and how i was everything to him since i had helped him get better. i told him how it made me feel unloved and how he lied to me about it. he got angry about the fact i looked through his phone and invaded his privacy which i know is valid. i didn’t tell him about me finding his exs nudes as i feel like that’s weird to bring up. he watched porn a week after our 1 year anniversary and we ended up staying together since he asked if we could try again and he’d get better for me

ever since then ive had very extreme trust issues with him and insecurities about myself which have not gone away but gotten worse. i feel like i am always watching his eyes when we go out and i don’t trust him anymore due to his behaviour. the other day, he was talking about gta 6 to me and mentioned the strip clubs which made me feel a bit uncomfortable. i don’t play video games apart from among us, minecraft and roblox occasionally, but ive seen that the strip clubs in gta are normally targeted for those with porn addicts since they’re explicit and nude. i don’t have a problem with the game or anything but i don’t want my boyfriend to get curious and start masterbaiting to these game characters so i end up competing with a video game when i already have to compete with other girls online. he’s really been excited about this game to come out and i feel extremely shit about it due to all the videos i’ve seen of people saying they’re gna crack lucia or they’re going straight to the strip club to goon. i don’t trust my boyfriend enough to not do that and i don’t know what to do. i feel so conflicted as to what to do

i also feel like his porn addiction has affected our sex life. he likes a bit more rough sort of stuff whereas i am the opposite and prefer more vanilla. it also took me a while to fully feel comfortable being naked around him since he felt comfortable doing more extreme things earlier. i find it hard to fully be mentally present during physical intimacy as i can’t stop thinking about what happened and if he’s thinking of those women online, this is might be a reason why i find it hard to finish. everytime he comes round to my house we normally do sexual stuff together which i don’t mind doing but it gets a bit boring after a while and i’d rather go out and do something. i also have started to not like him touching me and get annoyed if he does it too much

i feel like this relationship has not really been fulfilling to me and there are factors other then love that contribute to staying together like disloyalty and wandering eyes which i don’t appreciate in a relationship. i believe that if a man can’t resist half naked women on a screen then he can’t have self control in real life and after finding that on his phone i have lost some of my feelings for him. more i stay the more i realise that some of his traits are not something im particularly attracted to. he’s been a really good partner since january but it’s only because i’ve had to tell him or he’s doing it to make up for his mistakes. i didn’t get any flowers until 11 months into our relationship, he never officially asked to be my boyfriend or anything and we never really went on actual dates. he now buys me flowers, really nice valentines and birthday gifts and helps me with other things if i need. i struggle with my relationship with my body a lot and i have found it very difficult to not think about everyday. our relationship will get better then have another argument about it because it doesn’t leave my mind. i see the world completely differently and all i experience is severe anxiety. anything with sexual content makes me feel sick, shows, women in public dressing provocatively (not that i care what they are wearing just what he’s thinking) and tiktok or instagram posts. this has really changed my way of thinking in the world and i am starting to build up a lot of resentment that i feel wont go away. i am always comparing my body to others and feel as if im not the person i was before the relationship. this has made me look at other women differently as well:/

im really questioning if breaking up is the right thing to do since i dont want to waste my time but ive also invested a lot into this relationship, any advice on what to do moving forward?

TL:DR boyfriend had a porn addiction for 3 years (been together 18 months), he relapsed in january and it’s put a big strain on our relationship that we’ve been fixing. bf is excited for gta 6 but i’m worried about the strip clubs and he’s self control. this situation has also led to me having trust issues and insecurities, feeling anxious in my relationship

i’ve never felt so drained and tired in my life🥲 i have my last business exam on the 9th in the afternoon and i literally can’t get myself to revise for it and it’s the most difficult paper😭 i’ve covered about 1/4 themes and am on the second right now but im js working so slow with nothing going in my brain making me feel like it’s pointless

to make matters worse my grandma from abroad has come over for dinner and i genuinely can’t go and see her because im so exhausted mentally to even try and make an effort with anyone nowadays then my dad shouted at me calling me lazy and rude when im on my last legs and have barely taken time for myself since i have to do everything for my family or am knackered after my exams

i have business on tuesday then a full week until my final pe paper which is only an hour long thankfully but i js feel like a shell of my former self and my weight keeps fluctuating as i can’t stop stress eating but also not eating as well due to my stress😭😭 im going into school tomorrow as i think a change of environment will be beneficial for my revision but does anyone have any other tips on how to not feel so bad? lowkey a vent post as im rlly tired so sorry if some parts were confusing