Not sure how to move on. Is he at fault or should i have been more courageous?
I was in a relationship for almost 5+ years. We were in our late 20s when his parents started forcing him for marriage, we both wanted to settle in our careers and were not ready for marriage talks. But due to a lot of pressure he had to start seeing rishtas(as he could not take my name at home otherwise parents would ask for a meeting). He told me everything about when he is going for a rishta and what is happening and i was okay with it. This went for almost a year and then my parents also asked me about marriage so i told them about him. He asked for sometime and then told his parents about me.
Our parents had a meeting but my parents were not ready for this marriage as they were not inclined to spend too much on functions and just wanted to do the wedding. So they told his parents the same. We have different culture so him and his parents were not ready to let go the function and have just wedding function. He asked me to convience my parents for other function and even i thought that it should hapoen as they are part of their culture. I tried to convience my parents so they said if the kundalis would match they would then thunk about it. Our kundalis had pretty bad matching and other issues as well. My parents got a strong reason to not go ahead with the wedding and told the same to his parents.
I asked him for some time so that i can start the conversation again as i was very frustrated at home, listening to my parents how this not good for me and their anger regarding all this. I moved out after 2 months and told him i will talk to them but during the same time my sibling was getting married so i thought let the wedding happen and do not cause any trouble with this conversation. I will take my stand and would push them once wedding is done and they might listen as i tried to be a good daughter and helped them with all the things related to my siblings wedding.
Now 5 months hve passed since my parents said NO. My bf told me he is going to see a rishta and is at his home(He lives in another city and travelled to see the rishta). This was just after less than a week since the wedding is done. I did not say much as i know he used to do it before and he is trying to handle his parents in his way the way i am trying. I did not say much. Then after 2 weeks he tells me his parents have finalised his rishta and he cannot do anything so i must hurry and talk to my parents and his parents won't listen to him. I told him just tell your parents either the truth that i am going to talk once i leave the home(as i cannot handle their anger)or lie saying she has talked but needs some time.
He told me he cannot lie and does not trust me anymore. Just wanted to add here that a month ago we were together in his flat for almost a month. We had a fight around all this wedding drama and who said what from my or his family but nothing was concluded as such. Also i used to lie all the time to travel and meet him in whichever city he used to work during all these years
Now once i left my home after the wedding i talked to my parents and now it's been 6 months. But they denied and told me if you want go ahead and get married we are not onboarded in this. So i asked him let's get married court or whatever but he said he can't cause his parents won't agree to all this and they just want my parents. So anyways he got enaged after a month.
After his engagement i begged him to end his enagagment(it's not like i did not do that before engagement). He said he cannot do anything only when my parents would agree things can move ahead as his parents want my parents to be involved.
So i again tried to involve my parents but while we were having a conversation he again said i cannot marry in court my wedding has to hapoen the way my parents want it. I knew all this is not worth when he cannot keep me above wedding functions and stopped talking.
I went through such hard timing living alone, feeling empty, crying everyday. He used to call me once a month but i never picked up his call. Then 4 months after his engagement he messaged me saying he wish me best and all that stuff and i replied in anger. He then used to message me and call me one day every month for next 3 months. In the last month he wanted to have a conversation over call but i asked him to say whatever over text i don't want to give him his last call as per his wish. Anyways he told me he would break the engagement and i should support him in this and all the emotional stuff. We texted for almost 2 hours and i was in anger meanwhile he kept calling in between. In the end i did not reply as i was not able to decide and was torn between choosing him or letting him go and switched off my phone. Next day when i checked he messaged ok bye i understood your answer coz i had said in the starting of the conversation i am not onboarded in any plan rn first tell me what do you want or want to do.
So i finally decided to give all this one more chance. I asked him if he really mean to be with me then let me know if my parents won't agree would he still marry me against the expectation of functions including wedding. He replied saying humari baat kal ho chuki h. And that was the end.
After 2 months he got married. Since then i am not able to move on. Sometimes i think i am a bad person and should have put more effort in all this, could have been more brave or rebel. It's been a year i still cry everyday and can't even fathom to get married to anyone.
I don't know what to do and really want honest opinion as in where did i fucked up. He was loyal and nice guy and i cannot hate him as i always consider him a good person and thus not able to move on.
What could have been done differently by me?