u/Careful-Air4110

اني بالسادس الاعدادي ومأجله ٣ وصار عندي انزلاق غضروفي وعرق النسا الدكتور كال نهايه شهر اذا ما تحسنت لازم عمليه وصراحه مادري اسويها لو لا لان احتاج صحتي هاي الفتره و رح اسوي تحميل لمادتين وامتحن ماده. حرفيا الشي الوحيد الباقيلي جان هو صحتي لان احتاجه حتى ادرس واداري اخويه صغير الي عنده توحد وهسه فقدت صحتي الدكتور كال لازم انام بالفراش لمده شهر وهسه اني بالاسبوع الثاني احس خف الالم بس مو كلش ماحس روحي حرجع مثل قبل لطبيعتي لان اغلب الاطباء يكولون الانزلاق ماله علاج بس هل فتره شفت ناس كدرو يرجعون لمثل مجانوا قبل الانزلاق واقوى فأجاني امل

على العموم اتمنى تنصحوني او تشاركوني بتجربتكم ويه الانزلاق وشلون تحسنتوا وهل اكو امل ارجع لمثل مجنت كبل بدون عمليه ؟ 💗

Hello, I'm suffering from herniated disc and sciatica recently. The pain was simple at first, but it deteriorated later. It became unbearable. I went to a doctor again and he said at the end of the month, if I don't get better, he will have an Surgery and he said I have to sleep in bed for a month with medicine. Of course, and I'm currently in the second week of treatment. I don't deny that the pain has become lighter and I can walk without pain, but for short distances, but I'm still worried about surgery and worried about what if i cant go back as I was before. I really need my body. I have a brother with autism and i have to take care of him, and I'm in the last year in high school and my grades determine my fate. I'll have to postpone some subjects, which causes a lot of pressure on me. I really i will be thankful if you help me even with one advice '

شنو رأيكم بجامعه المشرق اروحلها لو لا وهل صدك شديدين بالتعامل لو تسخيت الوضع

صدك الجامعه الامريكيه شهادتها حالها حال باقي جامعات الامريكيه اني شخصياً ميهمني تدريس او شكل جامعه بس الي دافكر بي هو الوضيفه يعني من اقدم على وضيفه وانطي الcv صدك الي متخرج من جامعه الامريكيه الة الافضليه بالقبول لو ميهم من يا جامعه اهم شي تكون متخرج بمعدل زين من الجامعه

I’m writing this because my head is extremely crowded, and I feel completely alone. I’ve spent my entire adolescence and half of my childhood caring for my autistic younger brother. Taking on responsibilities far bigger than my age has drained my mental health since I was very young. I have no hobbies, I don’t even know what I like anymore because my life was paused for others. Every time I try to talk to my mother about how I spent my youth helping her, she denies my sacrifices and hurls the most painful, cruel words at me, claiming I deserve this suffering because I accidentally caused him to fall when he was a toddler. Deep down, I know a fall doesn't cause autism, but the guilt and her words have broken me.
Lately, I’ve been trapped in a terrifying, exhausting loop:
1 Loss of Will to Live & Suicidal Episodes: I recently lost all passion for life. Everything feels meaningless. I’ve been having intense "suicidal episodes" accompanied by a suffocating feeling where I lose the ability to care about my responsibilities (even my brother). I barely manage to control myself to survive, and I am terrified of losing control during one of these episodes.
2 Extreme Guilt & Self-Punishment: After an episode passes, I am haunted by crushing guilt. I feel guilty that only my father works while I sit at home, which makes me punish myself by starving, not spending any money, and even avoiding showers to not consume water.
3 Catastrophic Thinking & Anxiety: I have severe, irrational anxiety over my brother. If I close a pack of gum, I panic that he might starve; if I leave it open, I fear he will choke on it. I’m haunted by terrifying thoughts of him being harmed or abused at his training center. If I try to do anything for myself to escape these thoughts, I feel immediate guilt, telling myself I should have spent that time with him. I also have a constant, paralyzing fear of running out of money for his expenses.
4 Identity, Fearing Adulthood, & Fear of Men: I feel a strong repulsion towards growing up, adulthood, and relationships. I hate the thought of my parents seeing me as an adult ready for marriage; I just want to remain a child forever. I purposely ruin my appearance (like getting bad haircuts) so my mother continues to see me as a child, and to make sure men find me unattractive. I feel a deep disgust just seeing men in the street and would rather be locked in a dark room than face them. Even seeking professional therapy terrified me because I was afraid they would make me "normal" and force me into marriage, which feels like a betrayal to myself.
5 Derealization: I feel like I don’t perceive life like others. Everything around me feels fake and unreal. Sometimes I write "life is not real" hundreds of times in my notes just to numb the pain, which works only for a short time.
6 Anger and Perfectionism: I live by an "all-or-nothing" (0 or 100) mindset. If my life and appearance aren't perfect, I isolate myself completely to avoid people's judgments. I also carry a burning rage towards sexism and patriarchal control. I have an abusive, entitled older brother who gets the biggest share of everything from my parents, and I struggle between hating him and remembering his childhood.
7 Recent Physical Symptoms: I experience severe brain fog, memory loss, and constant fatigue. When I go out or interact with people, I get severe migraines, light sensitivity, stomach issues, and sudden stress-induced skin breakouts.
Recently, the direct urge to end my life subsided, only to be replaced by a burning, suffocating anger and resentment towards my reality and how I was forced to give up my life. I realized that wanting to live only hurts more because I cannot have a life of my own. I feel like I am stuck in a constant loop:
Acknowledge my misery -> desire to live -> realize I will never have a life of my own -> lose the will to survive -> suicidal urges.
I just wanted to vent here because keeping this in my notes is the only thing that brings me some peace. I feel like my head is going to explode. I just want some quiet in my mind. Has anyone ever survived a loop like this?

I’m writing this because my head is extremely crowded, and I feel completely alone. I’ve spent my entire adolescence and half of my childhood caring for my autistic younger brother. Taking on responsibilities far bigger than my age has drained my mental health since I was very young. I have no hobbies, I don’t even know what I like anymore because my life was paused for others. Every time I try to talk to my mother about how I spent my youth helping her, she denies my sacrifices and hurls the most painful, cruel words at me, claiming I deserve this suffering because I accidentally caused him to fall when he was a toddler. Deep down, I know a fall doesn't cause autism, but the guilt and her words have broken me.
Lately, I’ve been trapped in a terrifying, exhausting loop:
1 Loss of Will to Live & Suicidal Episodes: I recently lost all passion for life. Everything feels meaningless. I’ve been having intense "suicidal episodes" accompanied by a suffocating feeling where I lose the ability to care about my responsibilities (even my brother). I barely manage to control myself to survive, and I am terrified of losing control during one of these episodes.
2 Extreme Guilt & Self-Punishment: After an episode passes, I am haunted by crushing guilt. I feel guilty that only my father works while I sit at home, which makes me punish myself by starving, not spending any money, and even avoiding showers to not consume water.
3 Catastrophic Thinking & Anxiety: I have severe, irrational anxiety over my brother. If I close a pack of gum, I panic that he might starve; if I leave it open, I fear he will choke on it. I’m haunted by terrifying thoughts of him being harmed or abused at his training center. If I try to do anything for myself to escape these thoughts, I feel immediate guilt, telling myself I should have spent that time with him. I also have a constant, paralyzing fear of running out of money for his expenses.
4 Identity, Fearing Adulthood, & Fear of Men: I feel a strong repulsion towards growing up, adulthood, and relationships. I hate the thought of my parents seeing me as an adult ready for marriage; I just want to remain a child forever. I purposely ruin my appearance (like getting bad haircuts) so my mother continues to see me as a child, and to make sure men find me unattractive. I feel a deep disgust just seeing men in the street and would rather be locked in a dark room than face them. Even seeking professional therapy terrified me because I was afraid they would make me "normal" and force me into marriage, which feels like a betrayal to myself.
5 Derealization: I feel like I don’t perceive life like others. Everything around me feels fake and unreal. Sometimes I write "life is not real" hundreds of times in my notes just to numb the pain, which works only for a short time.
6 Anger and Perfectionism: I live by an "all-or-nothing" (0 or 100) mindset. If my life and appearance aren't perfect, I isolate myself completely to avoid people's judgments. I also carry a burning rage towards sexism and patriarchal control. I have an abusive, entitled older brother who gets the biggest share of everything from my parents, and I struggle between hating him and remembering his childhood.
7 Recent Physical Symptoms: I experience severe brain fog, memory loss, and constant fatigue. When I go out or interact with people, I get severe migraines, light sensitivity, stomach issues, and sudden stress-induced skin breakouts.
Recently, the direct urge to end my life subsided, only to be replaced by a burning, suffocating anger and resentment towards my reality and how I was forced to give up my life. I realized that wanting to live only hurts more because I cannot have a life of my own. I feel like I am stuck in a constant loop:
Acknowledge my misery -> desire to live -> realize I will never have a life of my own -> lose the will to survive -> suicidal urges.
I just wanted to vent here because keeping this in my notes is the only thing that brings me some peace. I feel like my head is going to explode. I just want some quiet in my mind. Has anyone ever survived a loop like this?

?

My exams are after a few days and I didn't study. Every time I try to study, I'm frustrated and bored, and I feel that there is no point in studying and that I will fail. Anyway, I want a way that makes me study without boredom.😖

When you are treated psychologically and feel that you have become fine, but suddenly the situation gets worse and you return to zero point and this loop continues, but it perishes me day after day, what is the real solution to it?