u/CarryOn_Ghostfacer

Hello! I've been reading and doing the exercises from Mat Auryn's book, Psychic Witch. I've been meditating for years, so the very first exercise didn't take me super long to master. A couple weeks, maybe a month. (I want to go slow to try to build the foundation better and this felt like a decent amount of time)

However I decided to continue on with the exercises and not just do the first one over and over and I guess I'm struggling to get the second one.

It seems pretty easy at face value - go through a day Pretending to Be Psychic/all knowing. But I don't really leave my house very much as I work from home and am pretty reclusive/isolated.

I was curious if anyone was a pretty big homebody like me, who also read this book/did the exercises from it, and what their experience with this exercise looked like?

An idea that came to me just now as I was typing this, was maybe trying to predict when my tea kettle, or microwave, or something else like that was going to go off? Maybe? I don't know. Inspiration would be greatly appreciated. :)

I've known this person for over half our life. We met in high school, but we didn't become best friends until we'll into adulthood. They were everything. They helped me realize my blood family was toxic. They showed me what family is supposed to really be like.

We moved across the country together, with their now ex, and a now former best friend. They were the first person I came out to!

But over the years they became unsafe to approach with issues. They'd say one day that sometimes being supportive means telling a person they're wrong, but then they'd get defensive or dismissive if we had even just *miscommunications*. Let alone criticisms of their behaviors or whatever.

They became emotionally abusive to their partner. They kept things from me - big things that they previously woild have told me, mind you - and it started to feel like they only really wanted to come to me to vent. About their relationship (which I coild no longer be a shoildrr to lean on, because I knew all the things they were complaining about weren't a realistic perspective on what was going on, because their partner woild *also* vent to me, and I knew both of them well enough, had lived with them, to have a clear picture of what was going on)

It started really affecting our relationship. I tried to still be there for him in whatever capacity I could, but it was becoming harder. I had to walk a tightrope of validating his feelings but not his treatment of his partner. I stopped going to him to vent about my own stuff, most of the time, because it felt like he didn't really care about what I had going on. There was a lot of small things that just added up.

And I don't miss the person he was at the end of our friendship. I don't miss the person who sent an angry email to me calling me a coward and some other really hurtful things. I don't miss the person who went through their partner's laptop, and found a group chat we had for her to vent and seek advice, who took everything he saw as a personal attack even though he was never meant to see it. I don't miss the person who turned a situation where I was grieving over my lost relationship with my mother, into him being the victim.

I miss the person who when I told I felt like I was a guy, he just rolled with it. I miss the guy who dropped everything for me when I found out my grandma died. I miss the guy I used to play World of Warcraft with, and watched shitty movies with, and who I could sit in silence with for hours and have it be comforting.

It's been over six months and it still feels like the rug was pulled out from under me. Like my entire world changed on a dime, and I still don't fucking know how to cope.

He isn't the only person I have in my life but he was absolutely one of the most important. He was my brother. And I am just. Devastated.

How do I get through this?

I'm a 36 year old trans man.

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And I haven't officially been diagnosed yet, but have had bloodwork and urinalysis done and waiting for my follow up appointment with my PCP. But I got the results, and knowing what I know about symptoms and numbers, I'd be very surprised if I don't get diagnosed.

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And because of that, I'm trying to be proactive and start eating better, and try and exercise more, and learn more.

Looking at this subreddit and looking at websites of official organizations (like the American Diabetes Association) in particular.

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And there's just. So much. Trying to eat less carbs, and balance it with more protein and fat, and trying to eat more complex carbs.... But I'm also struggling because food, particularly candy and "junk" food, was my way to dopamine seek - as someone who is officially diagnosed with adhd - and I've gotta figure out how to deal with that.

And there was stuff about feet health in here, too.

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And it took me so much psyching myself up to just make an appointment with a primary care doctor, my first in an embarrassingly long time, but apparently people see a podiatrist and an endocrinologist too, and I'm stressing out just thinking about making those appointments down the road too.

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At first I was relieved at the prospect of being diagnosed because it was something to point at and work on but now I'm just overwhelmed because apparently it also opens me up to more issues and I am *already* overwhelmed and constantly exhausted, so I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this.

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Sorry if this goes against the rules, just venting....

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I guess I just want some reassurance that it's doable.