AITAH for not contacting my "BFF" when I visited her country?
I (36F) have been best friends with "BFF" (36F) for almost 20 years. Over the years, we became as close as sisters. We used to joke about being neighbors in a nursing home one day, and we always planned to be each other’s bridesmaids and godmothers to each other's future kids. Four years ago, I moved to Italy. Naturally, distance makes things harder, but I always put in maximum effort to stay connected—texting regularly, calling for birthdays, and making sure she knew how much I cared about her. During my visit to my home country last year, I felt a shift. She seemed distant, and it felt like my visit wasn't a big deal to her at all. I felt like I was constantly chasing her just to hang out, and I actually cried over how hurt I was by her coldness. Fast forward to the last 8 months: She has only reached out to me 4 times. Meanwhile, I kept sending regular messages and "good morning" texts, only to get met with minimal effort or silence. For her recent birthday, I sent her a thoughtful, lengthy message. Her entire response was just: "Thanks." She knew months in advance that I was coming back for another visit. I texted her the exact second I booked my flight, and we mentioned it at least three times after that. Yet, in the weeks leading up to my trip, she never once initiated a plan, asked when I was free, or said she wanted to see me. Tired of feeling like a burden, I decided to leave the ball in her court this time. I made a rule for myself: I wasn't going to make the first move or chase her. I planned my entire vacation without her, though I intentionally kept space open in my schedule just in case she reached out. She never texted or called the entire time I was there. I'm pretty sure she's going to be mad when she realizes I was in the country and didn't reach out to force a meeting. I’m no longer angry or heartbroken—just exhausted, and I feel like I deserve better effort in a 20-year friendship. Still, part of me wonders if I should have just dropped my pride and texted her. So, Reddit... AITA for not contacting her during my trip? Edit: After reading some of the comments I decided to write her on more message.
Hey❤️
I honestly don’t know how to start this message, because I genuinely don’t understand what happened between us.
I’ll start by saying that not seeing you when I was there was probably one of the hardest things I’ve done. I have to take responsibility for my part in this and admit that choosing not to be the one who takes the first step or initiates a meet-up was my decision. I chose not to reach out, and I take responsibility for that.
But I did it because I was tired. I was tired of chasing, reaching out, checking in, showing interest, initiating conversations, giving compliments, and being the one who always tries to lift the other person up. Because to me, being a friend means all of those things and so much more. And I guess that’s exactly why I find it so hard to let go, because I love you and I care so much about our friendship. Or at least, letting go has been incredibly, incredibly difficult for me.
Ever since I came to visit in December, I felt you becoming distant, in general and especially toward me. I felt like I was chasing you just to see you, like I was practically begging for your attention. I remember that even on the evening Yossi drove me home, I got out of the car and cried. I cried because I felt broken, unwanted, and unappreciated. As if my arrival was just another ordinary day of the week, rather than something that mattered to you.
And I’m not expecting everything to revolve around me, and I don’t think I deserve special treatment just because I came to visit. But I did want to feel a little excitement, a little desire to see me, and some appreciation that I was there.
From the moment I returned to Italy, over the course of eight months, you reached out to me on your own initiative four times. And when I say on your own initiative, I mean conversations that didn’t happen because I messaged you first, whether it was to tell you I was in the hospital or simply to say good morning.
We spoke quite a few times about my coming to visit , and yet I didn’t feel any initiative from your side. Not even a question about what we were going to do, when we would meet, or when we would see each other. I didn’t feel even the slightest bit of interest.
And I know there’s a chance you felt some of the same things toward me, and I’m genuinely willing to hear that. But after eight months of having conversations with myself and trying to understand what was happening, I simply didn’t have the energy anymore to keep being the one holding this friendship together.
You didn’t even notice that I had stopped sharing photos and videos with you like I used to. And, by the way, that’s another thing that hurts. Because every time I pressed the share button, you were the first person who came to mind. But when there’s no response, no encouragement, and no interest, at some point I simply stopped.
For months, I found myself scratching my head, trying to understand what happened. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? Did I hurt you? And if something happened, why aren’t you talking to me about it?
You know that even now, I still haven’t told you what really bothered me about the trip in December, because I was embarrassed.
Because talking to you about December would also mean confronting you about choosing to go to the mall with your mom and cancelling our plans. And I felt embarrassed bringing that up because I know how much I would give to spend time with my own mom at a mall. Forget the mall, even just sitting down for a coffee with her, having her see me, recognize me, and tell me she loves me.
And maybe that’s also why I never said anything. Because I didn’t want to make you feel bad about something I miss so deeply myself.
I genuinely don’t know what happened between us, and I don’t know whether our friendship has ended. But from where I stand, it feels like I keep lighting a candle, only for you to blow it out again and again.
And maybe that’s also why I didn’t reach out sooner. Because as long as I don’t talk about it, I don’t have to face the possibility that this is actually what’s happening between us.
I still want to believe that this is just a little bump in the road, that we can talk about things and find our way back to the strong friendship we once had. But that friendship has to be mutual. It has to be genuine, open, and honest. And if something happens, if something bothers us or hurts us, we need to talk about it. Since when did we stop talking about the difficult things?
And yes, sometimes I need you to reach out to me. And yes, for fuck’s sake, sometimes I need you to think of me on your own, without me having to tell you that I need you. I need you to have a thought cross your mind that maybe Nicole needs me right now, and just pick up the phone and call me.
Because I don’t want to be in a friendship where I have to repeatedly ask for the basic things that make me feel important to someone I love.
I’m writing all of this not because I want to fight with you, blame you, or make you feel bad. I’m writing because you matter to me, because our friendship matters to me, and because it’s hard for me to keep carrying all these questions inside without getting any answers.
So I’m asking you, even if this ends up being the last message we ever exchange, please open up. Put everything on the table. Tell me how you feel, what happened from your perspective, whether I hurt you, whether something changed, or whether you simply no longer want this friendship in your life.
I would rather hear a painful truth than continue living with uncertainty and trying to guess what happened.
I just want to know where we stand. ❤️