r/AmITheBadApple

[removed]

My (F) birthday is on Halloween, while my friend (F) is on the 28th. I want to start of by saying while we used to be sorta close we aren’t really anymore and she was invited more as a formality. Originally, i was going to have my birthday party on the 29th…but because of work stuff the only day i could have it was the 28th, so i changed it. I only realised when one of my other friends told me in passing that it was her birthday. I was going to say something to her but then i got really sick and lowkey just forgot all about it. I was in school and she sits on my table, and starts getting really angry about it to me. Obviously i told her id see what i could do to change to another day, but i haven’t been able to.

The day she said this all to me i sent her a paragraph apolagising and trying to explain the situation.

(Also I’ve been told by multiple people that she told them she never intended on having a party le any friends over/ go out with anyone that day)

Its been two weeks since this, and she’s left me in delivered since (im guessing she’s half swiping but i don’t want to assume). I also found out she’s talked shit about me both before and after our encounter and and wont even look at me since. I would talk to her but I’ve gotten too scared to since she cant even make eye contact when she sits across from me, so I’ve just been praying she’ll respond to my message. (I know i should talk to her sooner i just have no balls) im worried that if i ask her can we talk she’ll just say no.

Honestly from the moment she said it to me i feel like i am in the wrong, the only thing that i feel iffy about is the fact she went and talked about it to my friends before me, and the fact that I’ve talked to those girls and they’ve all said she’s just being Hella dramatic…like girl i get jt people have party’s on my birthday all the time!! My sister also thinks she’s treating me like the shit on her shoe.

Im going to ask her if we can talk about it tomorrow and apolagise again, but all my friends have been saying not to and idk what to do! I really cant tell if im in the wrong here and don’t know what i can do to make it right.

EDIT!!
I forgot to mention but i have a twin sister and we’re doing a joint party, so its the only day that suits her as well, I’ve been trying to get her to change it but she wont budge… tysm to all the replies!

what i texted her:

IM SO SO SO SORRY idk what it is about birthdays i don’t even know my parents, and i don’t know why i keep forgetting yours. I talked to my parents and M(my sister) about it but my parents have work the next day and the days after so we can’t change it. I know it sounds so like I’m lying but I promise I’m not and I’ve really took all this to heart but I’m so so sorry. I’m so sorry I never asked you or even told you before hand but I didn’t realise until like two days ago when A(mutual friend) mentioned it to me but I still should’ve said something to you then. I get it if this puts a rift in our friendship or you don’t want to talk to me for a while you have every right to be angry with me, and if u want to have a party that night or just have a friends over obvi they should go to yours instead. I’d still love you there but I 100% get if you don’t want to come. Idk why I’ve gotten so forgetful but I should’ve gone to you not the other way round. again I’m so so so sorry and I love you so so much.

I’m still gonna try get them to change the date but my parents r too stubborn for their own good I’ll lyk tmr im also srry if I’ve made this a big deal i just care a lot about our friendship

also forgot to say she was out the next day of school (Friday) so i didn’t get to speak to her then just got too scared to (i know that’s shitty of me)

AITA for becoming friends with my best friend’s boyfriend’s ex?

Please help. Friendship breakup

Hannah (27F) and I (27F) have been best friends for 10 years. We were extremely close and basically inseparable.

Last year, I became friends with Olivia (26F) through field hockey. Hockey has honestly been a lifesaver for me, and I’ve made some incredible friendships.

One night, Olivia and I were having a few drinks with some of our teammates when we realised we had both dated the same guy, Cam. We laughed about it because she dated him in high school and I dated him during COVID, so neither of us really cared.

A little while later, after a group photo of me and Olivia was posted, Hannah told me that Olivia had previously dated her boyfriend Tate, who she’d been with for about a year.

Apparently Olivia and Tate had a very messy ending. I don’t know the details because Hannah has never really explained what happened, other than that it was bad.

After seeing another group photo of me hanging out with Olivia, Hannah stopped talking to me.
She eventually asked me to meet her at the local beach so we could talk.

This conversation became extremely heated. Hannah told me I had betrayed her, that I wasn’t loyal and said “I wouldn’t do this to my best friend, but that’s just me.” I was completely caught off guard and started crying. She then said “You always do this with the waterworks.” I told her that the conversation was becoming nasty and asked what she would do if she were in my position. She eventually said that as long as she could trust me, she thought it should be okay. I thought we’d worked through it, but now I feel silly thinking that.

A while later, I invited Hannah and Tate to a weekend away with a group of friends. They couldn’t attend. Some of the other friends who were going asked if Olivia could come as well, as most of the group were people I’d met through hockey.

Hannah and I later met for coffee, and she was stand off ish for a while and then finally said that she was disappointed that I’d put her and Tate in that position by having Olivia there. I asked whether Tate had said anything to her about it, but she said no. We talked through it and I was honestly hurt that she questioned my loyalty again.

After that coffee, things seemed okay again. Hannah came over to see my new flat, we caught up, and I gave her a pearl bracelet for her birthday. I thought things were improving. Then she stopped speaking to me again.

It’s now been about four months. I’ve reached out several times and tried to maintain contact, but she hasn’t responded.

She did message me a while after my grandfather died to say she was sory and was thinking of my family. She also messaged me on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday and hope I’d had a great day. But otherwise, we’ve had no real contact.

I don’t want to minimise what happened between Tate and Olivia. If their breakup was genuinely traumatic or involved something I don’t know about, I can understand why Hannah would be upset by me becoming friends with Olivia.

At the same time, I didn’t become friends with Olivia because of her history with Tate. I met her through hockey, became friends with her, and only found out about the connection afterwards. I also haven’t tried to make Hannah spend time with Olivia, get involved in their history, or choose Olivia over Hannah.

So, AITA for becoming friends with Olivia and continuing that friendship despite knowing she was my best friend’s boyfriend’s ex?

And now that Hannah hasn’t spoken to me for four months despite my attempts to reach out, where do I go from here?

For context this is the first time I’ve really had money to myself in my life and I got the check 2 days ago for my 18th birthday. I don’t have an issue with sharing my money at all, it’s just that i’m not used to sharing things or having money that I have to spend on myself or anyone else. I was hungry and so I spent my money to DoorDash myself food and my mom got upset that I didn’t offer her anything. Saying that my sister would’ve done it. I feel like it’s unfair to say that because my sister who is 31 has been getting money for years and is used to not only spending her money on herself. But I digress, I said “Oh if you want something I can get you something” but she refused it. It’s not that I didn’t want to spend the money or that I had a problem with it, I have enough to share but I didn’t think to ask because I’ve never had money to myself that I had to think about others with. She knows that I wouldn’t have a problem with spending money. I always share what I have with people if they ask. It’s just that I rarely ever have anything. I’ve always depended on other people so I didn’t think to ask someone else if they wanted something. So AITBA for not offering her anything?

This was 4 years ago but it still gets to me, so I want some outside opinions. Names changed, obviously.

So I (26M, 22 at the time) was a senior in college and planned a spring break trip to Nashville with my boys Judah, Amit and Matt (all M), plus Amit's girlfriend Leslie (F). I'd known Leslie since her and Amit got together. She was cool, I'd invited her to stuff I hosted, but we weren't like friends-friends; we didn't text or anything. I did think it was a little weird that she was coming on a guys trip but she'd gotten really close with Judah and Matt senior year though, so whatever, I wasn't gonna stop her from coming. I didn't mind her company previously so I didn't think there'd be any issues.

Before the trip I had to go see my brother, who's in the Navy, in Pensacola. So Judah, who was my best friend at the time, asked if he could drive my car from school in PA to Nashville with everyone, and I'd fly in and meet them after. Since Judah had driven my car many times, I said of course, as long as you don't crash it (as I've always said to him), because my insurance doesn't cover anyone crashing my car except me. For context, I'd literally just learned to drive junior year and got the car shortly after, so it was still really new. I also wasn't confident on highways yet, so I had a lot of experienced friends driving me places, and I told ALL of them the same thing. Male, woman, Black, blue or purple: don't crash my car. Wouldn't you?

Anyways, I flew from Pensacola to Nashville and met up with everyone, and for the most part the trip was good. We did all the touristy stuff: bought cowboy boots, went to the Country Music Hall of Fame, went out to eat, all of it. Everything was going fine, we were having fun, etc.

But another piece of context: I've had really bad experiences with group trips. I've been in a lot of friend groups where I didn't feel like I belonged and kind of felt outcasted. I actually chose to go on this one specifically because I was really close with Judah, Amit and Matt. We'd been hanging out a lot that year and I never had any issues with them, so I figured this time would be different.

Still, there were moments here and there throughout the trip where I got in my own head and went quiet, didn't really engage, walked in the back of the group, that kind of thing. It wasn't the whole trip, just sporadically, when my own internal stuff came up. I only talked about it with Judah because he was the only one I felt comfortable with, and he was like "I get it, don't worry, I'm here for you." Nobody else said anything about it, nobody seemed bothered, and there was never a blowup or anything.

On the way back we stopped at an Airbnb because it was a long drive. This was when Rihanna was pregnant with her first baby, and I'm a big Rihanna fan. Me and Judah were talking about the pics of her maternity looks, like wow, she's about to revolutionize maternity wear, women are gonna feel so comfortable having their belly out, she looks amazing, etc. Leslie overhears and asks what we're talking about. So I tell her and I'm like, "When you get pregnant, do you think you'll wear clothes like this?" And she goes, "Wait, what do you mean?" like she was offended. I immediately realized, ok, she's probably getting weird about me saying "when" instead of "if." So I remixed it right away: "Oh sorry, I mean IF you were to get pregnant, would you wear stuff like this?" And she was like "I don't know, maybe" in this brushing-me-off, irritated kind of way and walked off. So I was like ok....well if you do, I think you should, that's cool.

Later that night Judah asks me if Leslie can drive my car the next day and stop in Pittsburgh because there's some architectural site she wanted to see. I thought it was kinda weird that he was asking me instead of her, but I didn't think too much of it. I said sure, as long as she doesn't crash it. Very matter of fact, the exact same thing I told Judah. She drives us to Pittsburgh and we all walk around this site. Honestly, I didn't really care to do this. After a long trip I just wanted to get back to school, but I didn't want to be selfish, and it was on the way back anyway, so whatever. No complaints from me, no backseat driving, everyone's talking like normal. And we got there, I genuinely took an interest in the site: I was asking questions about it, taking pictures, etc. Then we drove back to school and everything was cool. 

A few days after we got back, I was thinking I should apologize to the guys for being weird and reclusive on the trip, since I only ever talked about it with Judah. So I texted Amit and Matt explaining that I was feeling a certain way because of my history and I was sorry. Both of them were like "nah you're good, I get it, didn't even think anything of it." So I'm thinking everything's normal.

Then Judah asks to talk. I meet him in one of the buildings at school, and going in I'm already kinda irritated because I'm thinking this is about the Rihanna thing, and I'm like, why is this a thing? I cleared it up the second I felt she had an issue. She literally drove my car to Pittsburgh. We were talking like nothing happened.

And he opens with, "Yeah, so Leslie thinks you're a misogynist."

Not gonna lie, I went off. I think that's one of the most offensive things a person can be associated with and I never want to be associated with that kind of behavior. I'm a mixed race person raised by a Black mother, and I'm well aware of what women go through, especially Black women. In college I was in leadership in the Black student org, really active in our school's strike, and involved in a bunch of orgs and movements trying to uplift and protect people with marginalized identities, women included. None of the people on this trip were involved in anything like that. Not that they have to be, but I'm the LAST person who'd be a full-blown misogynist. And Judah knew all of this. He'd known me for four years, and he was delivering it like he agreed with her.

He's like "wait, hold on, let me explain," and I'm like ok, what could you possibly say to justify that? So he gives me examples:

1. The Rihanna thing.

** He said **she was upset that I would assume she would get pregnant or want to get pregnant.

1. I'm like Judah, I literally fixed it the second she said "what do you mean." The whole conversation was me hyping up Rihanna and saying more women should do this

if they want

1. . Why would me misspeaking get taken all the way to "you're a misogynist" instead of "you misspoke and you corrected it, that's fine"? He basically just said "that's how she feels."

2. "As long as she doesn't crash it." He said since she's an Asian woman, there's a stereotype about Asian women and driving, so it was racist and misogynist. This is where I got even more upset. I'm like, Judah, did I not tell YOU the exact same thing?? I tell this to everyone! 

3. I apologized to Amit and Matt but not her. One, I don't have her number. Two, nothing I was going through on the trip was directed at her. I apologized to the guys because they were my best friends and I felt I should have not been so reclusive to people that care about me and that I should have explained to them what I was feeling. Her and I are not really friends and she didn't seem to care how I was doing, she never once asked me how I was doing, we maybe had one or two exchanges that whole trip like WE BARELY EVEN SPOKE. Additionally, when I apologized to her boyfriend Amit and Matt they both said they didn't really notice but they understand and will do whatever to make sure I don't feel like that....NO MENTION OF LESLIE FEELING A WAY OR THAT I SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO LESIE AT ALL....EVEN FROM HER BOYFRIEND)

What really got me was I never heard my best friend defend me. Not once and I would have for sure defended him for something like this. And Leslie never said anything to me directly. Not on the trip, not after, not through her boyfriend, didn't pull me to the side, nothing. Instead she was having private conversations about me with MY friends. It felt like she was trying to disparage me and hit below the belt. I'd been nothing but nice to her. She'd literally asked me for advice before about how I was navigating the strike at my school because hers was thinking about doing the same thing. If she had come to me like "hey, after thinking about it I didn't appreciate X, Y, Z," I would've talked to her, apologized, and explained my POV. But we had zero beef. And if she felt some type of way about me before the trip, then why come? And use MY car??

Here's where I might be TBA: I was so offended and so hurt that I said some really meannnn things about her in that conversation with Judah. I'm not proud of it, however, listen, I was a 22 year-old male POC in a PWI being accused of something abhorrent AND I felt like she was trying to literally sabotage me and take my friends....my school was one of those schools where once that kind of rumor gets out, you get blacklisted, I was EXTREMELY offended, I so hurt cuz I knew  and to be real.... I'm not a passive person, when I feel disrespected unreasonably, I pop...(I've gotten a lot better about this with age!) Those are not excuses by any means, just reasons.

Those three guys were my main friend group and my best friends at the time, and in my eyes they just bandwagoned, probably because they were scared of getting labeled misogynists too. I eventually stopped talking to all of them. Needless to say, the conversation with Judah did not end well because he felt I was "doubling down" and I just stopped talking to all of them. 

Thankfully, I did not get blacklisted at school and all of my other friends thought it was all ridiculous...AND after that situation I got into some really amazing grad programs, got an honors distinction on my thesis, graduated magna cum laude, and got AMAZING opportunities...but I graduated with a broken heart fr. I thought those would be my boys for life...

So AITBA? 

Long story short, a coworker and I only get along in a group setting. I’ll call him Allen, and we have mutual friends through work. Recently I’ve been called out for not driving Allen home after group a hang out, even after I expressed that allen makes me uncomfortable.
Allen and I are both queer, but we have different perspectives. Allen believes that straight people are incapable of respecting queer people, while I believe we can coexist with the right communication and understanding. The last time I drove Allen home, he claimed that my roomates are brainwashed. My roomates are all straight, but they are pro lgbtq, and have supported me and my friends. Allen refuses to believe my roomates are good people, and since then I have refused to drive him home.
Here’s where I may be the ah.last night at dinner I said I wouldn’t drive Allen home because he’s unkind to me in my own car. Our mutual friend had to drive Allen home, which was out of the way for her. This added more time to her commute and she sent me a text saying how upset she was that I made her drive allen home. Am I an AH for for making a friend drive allen home when he was closer to me/ am I wrong for thinking allen is unreasonable?

Edit: allen and I live very close to each other, which is why im usually tasked with taking him home

I am in my first year of a law program and the other day we had a beach volleyball tournment with all of the years. I left my phone, and wallet on my team's bench beside my shoes and sweatshirt and went out to play. When I came back my shoes and sweatshirt were there but my wallet and phone was gone. I didn't really think anyone stole it but I wanted to find it considering I had a significant amount of cash in my wallet. After finding my friend who has my find my iphone we tracked my phone down to a bag that was on the table beside where I initally left my stuff. We asked around to see whos bag it was, and someone told me that it was someone on my teams. Considering I know everyone on my team personally and we were using the sound feature on find my iphone to literally hear my phone in the bag I decided to open the bag and get my stuff back. Just as I opened it though a third year student and his friend approached me quite aggresively demanding why I was going through his bag. I explained that I thought my phone was in his bag which he quickly blew off. I asked if he could at least check, which the owner of the bag refused to do but luckily his friend did and pulled out my phone and wallet from his bag. The guy then made me take out my id and show him it was my wallet before continuing to harrass me for going through his stuff. I explained my side of the story to him which he seemed to not really care about. I appologized for going through his stuff and moved on, I didn't ask why he put my stuff in his bag and he didn't give me an explanation. I won't lie when I say I was a little rattled by the situtaiton especially being a new first year law student and having to deal with a third year student. I also play on a rec team with the friend of the guy and am worried that there will be some tension. What do people think?

I’m pretty sure my bf is cheating on me but I don’t know if it necessarily “counts”. A little backstory, my bf (21 M) and I (19 F) have been together for over a year. We have been off on for the last 6 months. The last time we broke up I went out and hooked up with someone, I was open and honest and told him he obviously was not too happy about it. But recently he has been bringing it up CONSTANTLY saying he hasn’t “healed from it” mind you he made it seem like I cheated on him. I had assumed he was just upset about it when he kept bringing it up. (This matters I promise these are the red flags I did not notice till now). And recently he’s been doing nice gestures, taking me out, doing things without me asking (none of this is normal btw).

Well last night we were in a conversation about possibly breaking up he did not care and brushed it off (he’s very emotional). Later that night he tells me “I’m hanging out with Hailey on Tuesday we’re going downtown” I responded “okay” he then responds with “I’ve talked about you to here before and btw she is masculine not feminine”. Him trying to defend himself when I responded okay was odd. Now the “masculine” part matters my bf is trans. He is FTM when he was female he liked more masculine (which I am not, he also has no idea if he is trans or not).

I just brushed it off and went to bed. This morning I needed his phone for whatever reason and I stumbled across their messages. I didn’t click on them because it wasn’t weird if they had these plans obviously they were texting. Until i noticed the muted messages icon. Then I knew something was weird I quickly went on their messages. There were messages from 2024 and then she randomly goes “hey” he responds with those sticker things she responds back with one. Then she goes. “Hey just got home I’ll call you in a little bit” ??? Those messages don’t align unless he deleted some or called her. Then I scrolled down farther and she goes “want go downtown and hangout?” He goes on to talk about something else so there were more messages deleted. He has no idea I know this information and I have no idea what I should do. Does this count as micro cheating since there’s something he’s clearly hiding?

(Also if I do break up with him I would need cameras, and a restraining order seeing as how he stalked me and the other guy countless times and threaten to fight several people, and would need to change the code to my house).

Tell me am I AIO?

I (21) was in a group chat with two people, one being my close friend. They sent to a group chat what was a Yumeshipping post of someone celebrating Francine Smith’s (a character from American Dad) birthday to the extremity of buying what seemed to be streamers, a possible body pillow or cut out of the character and a lot of made food and other decorations to celebrate it.

In response to this post I said that to me I find it personally weird as it seems parasocial and that it could lead to further extremities if unchecked like confusion from reality and fiction, obsession, anti socialism by replacing real life relationships with the fictional relationship and or possessiveness. Now of course I realise this whole shipping culture has a fandom and I’m not by any means a hater of it I just particularly find it odd, and when I said that to my friend it caused a drama which they said I started because they called my words of judgement an “attack” on Yumeshipping as this particular friend is themselves a Yumeshipper of themselves with a fictional character. They said they are inspired to be that level of Yumeshipping from the post, they’ve claimed that they’d like to build a shrine to a character which to me seemed bizarre and just confusing. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love fictional characters, I read comics and other things but I’d say I draw the line at shipping myself with them because they simply don’t know I exist and it seems incredibly over the top for me.

After the back and fourth I said countless times that if it isn’t hurting anyone than I believe it is okay but I still don’t personally like the idea of it simply because it’s not what I’m in to but I did claim I think shrines and birthday celebrations with food, streamers etc are simply too far. They then went as far as to say to me “it’s the same as people saying gay people is unhealthy or un-natural.” Which to me was a big blow as I grew up in a household where I had to keep myself being bisexual a quite topic as I would get judged for it by my fathers ex partner.

Since all of it I have written a formal apology, in short I wrote that I am sorry if I hurt you but I won’t stop what I think as it’s just my personal opinion but it doesn’t mean I necessarily hate it as opposed to just not liking it. It’s almost been 3 days of them leaving me on delivered but they’ll text the group chat they’re in with my partner in it and they’ll view my social media stories. All in all they claimed I was attacking people for something that’s helping them mentally and I explicitly stated I’m not implying any attack, I just don’t think it’s always healthy, I had to reiterate it multiple times and they just didn’t seem to grasp what I was saying. They’re the only close friend I’ve had in the last year and I fear being compared to a homophobe could be the cherry on top to the end of a friendship which is unfortunate because I barely socialise. TL;DR: I told my friend I think Yumeshipping is weird due to thinking it can become unhealthy, but I apologised regardless and said we’ve argued over worse stuff which they’ve disregarded me for but they compared me to a homophone and still won’t answer me.

I’m in a situation involving one of my friends and her boyfriend, and I’m not sure how to handle it without making things worse.
Her boyfriend was also my friend, and I only ever saw him as a friend. However, whenever he and my friend had arguments, he would come to me, invite me to hang out privately, and sometimes tell me to keep it a secret from her.

• we used to drink together before they started dating but after they started dating and have arguments, he invited me to drink at the hotel and told me not to tell her we’re gonna go for a drink or jam together.

• he told me “ what if I tell you, you were my type before me and your friend started dating”

• he asks personal questions when he sees me with someone else.

I never asked to be involved in their relationship problems, but I ended up being put in the middle of them.
My issue is that I don’t want to betray my friend or participate in keeping secrets from her, but I also don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to manage their relationship or expose every problem they have. At the same time, I feel uncomfortable continuing to interact with him normally when he’s deliberately hiding things from her and involving me in their personal issues.
I’ve tried to think about whether I should tell my friend, distance myself from him, or simply stay out of it completely. But each option feels complicated: telling her could make me look like I’m interfering in their relationship, while staying silent could make me feel like I’m enabling something or being a bad friend.
What would be the most appropriate way to handle this? Am I wrong for feeling disrespected and wanting to establish boundaries.

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