u/Catsarelovely123

Assalamu alaikum. If I had terrible past filled with major sins, and if I repent, will I be in front of ALLAH SWT who I was before all that? Whenever I try to say to myself "let's just forget what happened before and try to do good deeds now" I get thoughts that I may forget all those things but ALLAH SWT never forgets. So what am trying to say is that I got this mindset like, let's just say I do something bad and my family catches me, let's just say I was stealing something and my family caught me, they may forgive me but that picture of me being a filthy person remains in their minds, and I am not saying or resembling this to ALLAH SWT, Astagfirullah, may ALLAH SWT forgive me, I am just saying these thoughts run in my head pushing me towards despair. Can you help me with this?

Jazak Allahu khair.

Used chat gpt to help me in writing stuff, didn't had enough energy to write everything in sequence.

Assalamualaikum.

I feel like I got lost in this dunya. Sins have become so easy for me while good deeds feel heavy and difficult. It was not always like this.

Around 2 years ago, I used to cry in tahajjud asking ALLAH SWT for forgiveness. I would stay awake the whole night just to not miss Fajr. I used to recite Qur’an, try to understand it, and regularly do morning and evening adhkar, Alhamdulillah.

But now everything feels so different.

Sometimes I think the difference between a liberal person and me is that they try to normalize and justify sins openly, while I still know what I do is wrong and hide it privately without justifying it.

I remember writing in my diary: “Don’t use the blessings of ALLAH SWT to disobey Him.”

Back then, I only wanted to please ALLAH SWT no matter what the world said. But now my nafs has overtaken me. I resist sins for some time, then I tell myself “ALLAH SWT is Merciful,” and I fall into them again.

My mental state has also become messed up. Sometimes I have to name objects around me — like “table,” “book” — or touch things like my phone or a pen just to feel present in reality.

My sins feel so heavy that sometimes I end up searching whether what I’m doing is a major sin or a minor sin. There are even moments where I make dua asking ALLAH SWT to erase me from existence or not resurrect me on the Day of Qiyamah.

I am not saying I was ever very pious, but I feel like I am becoming more sinful as the days pass. Sometimes I wish I could go back into the past and undo everything.

I also get thoughts that maybe I lost my honour and self-respect in front of ALLAH SWT, or that maybe my relationship with my Creator will never be the same again.

I was reflecting on what may have gone wrong, and these are some things I learned the hard way and i wouldn't want my brothers and sisters to go through the same,

Disobeying my parents in a worldly matter.

I was extremely passionate about something while my parents disagreed, but I still went ahead with what I wanted.

Getting addicted to a sin.

I didn’t stop early, and now I’m paying the price.

Evil eye.

Possibly riya (showing off).

I am not sure, but maybe there was some of that too.

And maybe there are many other reasons that I still don’t understand.

What I would advise is: Don’t sin, just don't!! .And if you do sin, repent quickly and do whatever halal thing you can to stop yourself before it becomes an addiction.

There is still so much in my head that maybe I cannot fully explain in words.

May ALLAH SWT forgive all of us.

Love my muslim brothers and sisters for sake of ALLAH SWT.

Used chat gpt to help me in writing stuff, didn't had enough energy to write everything in sequence.

Assalamualaikum.

I feel like I got lost in this dunya. Sins have become so easy for me while good deeds feel heavy and difficult. It was not always like this.

Around 2 years ago, I used to cry in tahajjud asking ALLAH SWT for forgiveness. I would stay awake the whole night just to not miss Fajr. I used to recite Qur’an, try to understand it, and regularly do morning and evening adhkar, Alhamdulillah.

But now everything feels so different.

Sometimes I think the difference between a liberal person and me is that they try to normalize and justify sins openly, while I still know what I do is wrong and hide it privately without justifying it.

I remember writing in my diary: “Don’t use the blessings of ALLAH SWT to disobey Him.”

Back then, I only wanted to please ALLAH SWT no matter what the world said. But now my nafs has overtaken me. I resist sins for some time, then I tell myself “ALLAH SWT is Merciful,” and I fall into them again.

My mental state has also become messed up. Sometimes I have to name objects around me — like “table,” “book” — or touch things like my phone or a pen just to feel present in reality.

My sins feel so heavy that sometimes I end up searching whether what I’m doing is a major sin or a minor sin. There are even moments where I make dua asking ALLAH SWT to erase me from existence or not resurrect me on the Day of Qiyamah.

I am not saying I was ever very pious, but I feel like I am becoming more sinful as the days pass. Sometimes I wish I could go back into the past and undo everything.

I also get thoughts that maybe I lost my honour and self-respect in front of ALLAH SWT, or that maybe my relationship with my Creator will never be the same again.

I was reflecting on what may have gone wrong, and these are some things I learned the hard way and i wouldn't want my brothers and sisters to go through the same,

Disobeying my parents in a worldly matter.

I was extremely passionate about something while my parents disagreed, but I still went ahead with what I wanted.

Getting addicted to a sin.

I didn’t stop early, and now I’m paying the price.

Evil eye.

Possibly riya (showing off).

I am not sure, but maybe there was some of that too.

And maybe there are many other reasons that I still don’t understand.

What I would advise is: Don’t sin, just don't!! .And if you do sin, repent quickly and do whatever halal thing you can to stop yourself before it becomes an addiction.

There is still so much in my head that maybe I cannot fully explain in words.

May ALLAH SWT forgive all of us.

Love all my muslim brothers and sisters for sake of ALLAH SWT.