This is my recovery
I've been clean for 1,668 days.
Almost 1,700 mornings of waking up and making the same decision: not to use.
And in all that time...
I still haven't seen my children.
Addiction wasn't the reason my marriage ended, but it would be dishonest to say it didn't play a role. During my divorce, I was at the lowest point of my life. I had lost hope. I overdosed more than once. There were days I truly didn't believe I was going to survive.
In 2019, my ex-wife moved from New York to South Carolina with our three children. ages 9,7,5
I fought the relocation in family court, but once my addiction became part of the case, I knew I was fighting an uphill battle.
After they moved, I still got to see my kids through video calls.
Those calls became my entire week.
I'd count down the days just to hear their voices.
But I could never really talk to them. Every conversation felt watched. I never felt like I had a moment alone with my own children.
Then, in October of 2023, I looked at them through the screen and quietly said:
"I'm not the monster that everyone there says I am"
The call ended.
That was the last time I ever saw their faces.
That was the last time I ever heard their voices.
Since then, the phone number has changed.
Every email I've sent has gone unanswered.
I still send one every single week.
Every week, I wonder if this will be the one they finally read.
I haven't stopped trying.
The county where they live now allows court appearances by video. The moment I can afford an attorney, I'm filing for visitation.
People tell me I should be proud of everything I've accomplished since getting sober.
They're right.
I've been clean for nearly 1,700 days.
In 2020 I went back to school.
I earned my bachelor's degree in Psychology w/ conc. on forensics
I taught myself software engineering. Became a polyglot developer.
I built multiple successful startup companies from the ground up. ( Mostly for others )
On paper, it looks like I rebuilt my life.
But success feels strangely empty when the three people you want to share it with aren't there.
Before everything fell apart, I had two computer repair shops.
Three cars.
A nice house.
I lost all of it.
And looking back...
None of those things mattered.
The only thing that mattered was hearing someone yell...
"Dad!"
I would've traded every possession I ever owned for one more baseball game.
One more nudge on the shoulder at 5:30am "Daddy get up im hungry"
One more bedtime story.
One more birthday.
One more hug.
One more monster to kill before bed time
People say sobriety gives you your life back.
For me, sobriety gave me something different.
It gave me the clarity to feel everything.
Every birthday I've missed.
Every Christmas.
Every school year.
Every milestone I'll never get back.
Every unanswered email.
Every night wondering if my children think I stopped loving them...
or worse...
that I stopped trying.
I don't want pity.
I don't want sympathy.
I don't want anyone to choose sides.
I just want the chance to be their father again.
That's all I've wanted...
for the last 1,668 days.
I'm signing off. These tears got my contacts all messed up.
gnite