Wan't to end it ireally want to do it, but i can't
Over the last few months, I have come to the realization that I will only get a successful transition if I get numerous surgeries that will take me YEARS to afford. Take into account that I am NOT American; in fact, I am from a poor third-world country (hint: potatoes and very conservative, despite being one of the most stable economies in this hellhole of a continent).
This... essentially feels like a death sentence as it is. I am not going to lie to myself or to you, reader: estrogen didn't do jack shit to me at ALL. In the 1.2 years I have been on it, every possibility of passing and achieving my goals has slowly been slipping through my fingers.
Pelvis growth? I have hip dips, and I suspect the "hips" I have are just belly fat in a very convenient position (made worse by the dips).
Breast growth? Just small bumps that face east-to-west, thanks to my massive ribcage.
Face feminization? Sadly, I have come to terms with the fact that essentially nothing short of professional and extensive FFS would actually feminize my face.
This has killed my spirit in every way that feels mine. The cute girl who had hopes of being pretty and being like every other girl is dead or dying, while a more sarcastic and cocky facade (e.g., sarcastic American army officers from war movies) has essentially taken over me. Of course, this happened in the hopes of not crying every living moment of mine, hopes that failed miserably today as I crashed out so hard I dropped to my knees and began to pray for anything or anybody to help me while sobbing seas of tears.
My point in all of this is... why live? Genuinely, it is going to be 5 or 7 (or God really knows how many) more years of this hell.
Of seeing my face in the mirror—my horribly deformed forehead with that massive brow while the faces of all the Twitter passoids and prettier girls pass through my mind. Of seeing my miserable "hips" and eventually accepting that the dips are not going to be filled. Of keeping this facade personality of being "tough" while the place I am forced to live in not only gets increasingly decadent but more mentally exhausting. Of daydreaming of doing a thousand things but only doing the things I am allowed to do, and growing resentful of luckier girls who live the life I always dreamed of.
I ask you, my dear reader, is this a life worth living? Constantly being ridiculed by luckier transsexual girls with their results the same transsexual girls who groomed me into waiting and waiting until my body was completely destroyed by this curse. Living in a place that lacks basic hygiene and social values, which seems to be crashing down into the earth in terms of living quality (if it ever had any).
Is there any worth in this? I don't think so. After all, this is not the life I wanted for myself. I don't know if it is the lack of energy or the soul-breaking realization that things are going to sink FAST before I get a ray of rest from the heavens. I just can't do it. I can't keep living like this while my peers are able to live their lives and keep spouting the same poisonous rhetoric of "you can wait" and "estrogen gives you results post-puberty."
I cannot keep living when every happy and beautiful transsexual woman keeps being shown right in my face, doing the things I always wanted to do while (and I swear to God, reader, I am not lying) the strands of hair on my face keep reminding me how masculine and deformed it is. It is just not worth it, but I find myself at quite a fork in the road right now.
I am in a relationship with this beautiful and talented woman. She has a small frame, small hands, and a heart that can only be described as pure gold, with the addition that she is incredibly smart. You may have realized where I am going. If she even finds out how I am really feeling, she will be devastated, guilting herself into believing that she is at fault for my particular feelings regarding life. If I decided to take action, let me assure you, dear reader, she would be soul-crushed.
That is essentially why I won't end it—not for a lack of guts or because all of this is an exaggeration, but because I can't. It would be extremely selfish to drag her down into a hell that would take her years, if not decades, to get out of—a hell even deeper and darker than the one that I am in, and the one that awaits me.
There is no lesson here dear reader no great climax i just wanted to vent this,but i do wish to leave a message.
for every trans woman being able to achieve her dreams of art and beauty that is able to do the things she loves without being ashamed of herself and calling herself a predator
and that keep going with the same rhetoric of "you still have time" "estrogen is magic" and the classic
"estrogen will turn you into a woman after puberty"
from a woman that was destroyed enough corrupted enough that i was out of time when i eventually began at my 20s.
if i ever end it with my own hands be assured your faces will be the last images in my mind as everything goes dark i will be thinking of you with spite and hate.
and when you eventually die, no matter how good you think you were in life.
my deformed and mutilated body, skinless and rotting will drag you to hell where you belong.
-from a very unfortunate woman or an ogrehon you choose