Sad aego
I'm depressed. I've known about my asexuality and aromanticism for a long time, and I'm also aegosexual. Almost every night before bed, I escape reality into my imagination, where I have someone close to me. I don't always focus on sex, more often on the relationship in general. In my imagination, I enjoy being with someone. I enjoy touching each other. The other imaginary person is truly intriguing (in fact, I have two imaginary characters in rotation, the same ones for years).
In reality, I can't look at people with the "I want to find a partner" perspective. When I'm out walking and looking at people, it's a bit like seeing animals. Why would I want to be closer? We aren't the same species. Most people aren't even neutral, but repulsive. Few people are neutrally pretty.
I've tested two dating apps: Tinder and Boo. Tinder makes me even more depressed. Pictures, pictures, pictures, lots of bare chests at the gym (in theory I "prefer" boys, femboys, masc nb), no description. I feel reluctance/aversion/disgust, and even some discomfort at the thought of someone liking me. I found two people on Boo within a 100km radius who were somewhat appealing, but we haven't match. I have no idea how I'd react to them in real life anyway. Sometimes I can't look at my friends much because their faces and bodies are too much of a stimulus at once.
I want to cry. I feel like my software is broken, and I also feel a longing for someone close to me. I don't know what to do. I like solitude, but I'd really like to be hugged by someone I really like.