u/CharlesPembs

I’d love to tell you that things have been going well, that things have been looking up. To some extent, it’s true. Some things have been positive. But if I’m to speak freely and honestly, I’d say things are quite the opposite. I’ve not received any help yet, and I’m still in limbo. This obviously doesn’t help matters, and I’m sure is likely to be affecting me more than it should. Regardless, I feel so tired of trying anymore. Even in terms of communication I feel rather exhausted. It’s been approximately 6 weeks since I’ve heard from anyone. Not a call, not a text, not a single message. Granted, everyone is busy this time of year, so I can’t be too disheartened by this. But doesn’t make things any easier. Even when I reach out there is no response, no answer. I know that if I were to call the line would just keep on ringing. For the past two weeks I’ve been more or less off the grid, almost invisible. The only contact made with me has been through junk mail or the odd messages from staff.

I’d like to say that it’s just “one of those things” or “it is what it is”, but at this point I don’t even know what to say. I suppose it’s action or lack thereof that speaks louder than words ever could. Even in writing to you I have to question why I do it to myself. Do these words mean anything to you? Why do I even think to write to you at all? You’ve no reason to read these words, not really. Your life keeps on moving, you keep on going. In a few months time I’ll not know who you are and you’ll say the same of me. I don’t want to think of such things but it’s always in the back of my mind. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll give up on all this trying. You’re living your life I suppose. It’s not wise to keep on like this, waiting in perpetuity for people. I know relationships shouldn’t be transactional, but as time slips away I can’t help but feel as if I’ve been pouring from an empty cup.

I’d love to tell you that things have been going well, that things have been looking up. To some extent, it’s true. Some things have been positive. But if I’m to speak freely and honestly, I’d say things are quite the opposite. I’ve not received any help yet, and I’m still in limbo. This obviously doesn’t help matters, and I’m sure is likely to be affecting me more than it should. Regardless, I feel so tired of trying anymore. Even in terms of communication I feel rather exhausted. It’s been approximately 6 weeks since I’ve heard from anyone. Not a call, not a text, not a single message. Granted, everyone is busy this time of year, so I can’t be too disheartened by this. But doesn’t make things any easier. Even when I reach out there is no response, no answer. I know that if I were to call the line would just keep on ringing. For the past two weeks I’ve been more or less off the grid, almost invisible. The only contact made with me has been through junk mail or the odd messages from staff.

I’d like to say that it’s just “one of those things” or “it is what it is”, but at this point I don’t even know what to say. I suppose it’s action or lack thereof that speaks louder than words ever could. Even in writing to you I have to question why I do it to myself. Do these words mean anything to you? Why do I even think to write to you at all? You’ve no reason to read these words, not really. Your life keeps on moving, you keep on going. In a few months time I’ll not know who you are and you’ll say the same of me. I don’t want to think of such things but it’s always in the back of my mind. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll give up on all this trying. You’re living your life I suppose. It’s not wise to keep on like this, waiting in perpetuity for people. I know relationships shouldn’t be transactional, but as time slips away I can’t help but feel as if I’ve been pouring from an empty cup.

So I’m currently on a break from my studies until early next year and I’ll be staying with my parents in the meantime. The break has come about due to some mental health problems, and the whole point of having time off is to get some help (which is currently in the works). Before I left I told a friend of mine about the situation, and they agreed that we could keep in contact over my break. I’ve not spoken to them in just over a month now, nor have they replied to my messages. It’s exam season, so I know they are terribly busy, but I can’t help but feel that I’m being ignored.

They’ve been really kind to me and we’ve shared a lot with one another. To express my gratitude I’d carry out small gestures like leaving thank you notes or snacks. They never asked for anything and I never received anything in return, nor did I ever expect anything. I tried my best to make it known that I cared about them and that I was grateful for their presence in my life. I think about them a lot, but it gets me down when I see that they’ve posted to their socials but not bothered to contact me. I know it sounds silly, but seeing things like that genuinely breaks my heart. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, putting this down to them being busy with their studies, but it still hurts me. Even though I don’t expect anything in return, I’m starting to feel as if I’ve put far too much effort into the friendship. For a while I thought I had feelings for them, but I think it was just a moment of weakness. It’s been a few months now, but my feelings about them are still complex.

I sometimes feel that my underlying emotions towards them have been clouding my better judgment. I genuinely love them as a person, but I’m not sure if I should let them go. I’m going to give it some time and wait until after the exam period to see if anything changes (roughly a month or so). I don’t know if I should tell them how I’ve felt about them, or just explain how neglected I’ve been made to feel. Should I cut them off altogether? What do I do?