So we break up. You want to be friends because you cant cope. I tell you how you treated me so badly to explain why I dont want to be friends.
And all you can say is:
"I wasn't like that when we were friends though"
The fucking audacity of you. You are 48 years old.
As the days go by, the repulse gets stronger.
It is all starting to make sense.
I do not regret being your close friend for almost 10 years. I do, however, deeply regret being in a romantic relationship with you.
That is not coming from a nostalgic place of lost romance or fond memories of the friendship. It feels more like a blessing in disguise, because now I understand so much more about the way you have treated women, including myself.
When we became romantically involved, the mask eventually slipped. The behaviours I experienced were not random. They seemed connected to the same patterns I had heard about before: the invalidation, the lack of accountability, the way women become “the problem” when they react to being hurt.
Now you are in the same place again, feeling like people will not like you, feeling like another ex has “thrown you under the bus.” But the difference this time is that I do not have to prove anything to anyone. I haven't at all....to your previous assumptions. I do not have to expose you, explain to you, or convince people like you, who are likely doing so now.
You have shot yourself in the foot by publicly framing your past mistakes as honesty and growth over the years. The fact that we are no longer together says enough about you to those you try to convince.
I wish there was a magic wand to make it okay.
I wish it could make him see the angiush im in.
I wish it could heal him from addiction.
I wish it would erase the memories of how cruel he was to me.
I wish he wouldnt still treat me like im the enemy after I left.
The boundary to leave wasnt to be cruel, it was to protect myself and give you space to potentially heal. Ive never been in so much pain in my life, I didnt want to do that but I had too.
Ive lost what I thought was my forever home. I used to be so happy.
My hopes and dreams have been pulled under me. Ive become a shell of a person and directionless.
I just want to say how much I love you and miss you but me saying it wont do you any good. It never worked. For fuck sake, get better, I know you can do this, I was there before, I just cant be that person helping you anymore.
If you just apoligise, see your part and get help, I would come running to you.
I know thats not going to happen but please come back
I wish we didnt end it like this.
If you were honest with me, we could have still been friends.
If you could admit your using again, I would have been there for you.
But you called me the one who creates problems.
You told me communicating a worry is out of order.
One of the reasons I fell in love with you was your recovery.
All I did was care for you. I never judged you when we were just friends. You said I was the only person that never judged you when you were using. Where has that gone?
Ive lost my home and family.
Part of me hopes youll get help and come back to me but hope is the mess that got me here.
Why do I feel like im the one in withdrawing?
Please come back, I want to go home.
I want to go home.