It's just so disgusting that even heartbreaks make me feel envious and sad, infact they make me feel even worse.
It is one thing to feel envious of people in happy relationships, but there is a worse feeling. Knowing I never got to be someone's first love or first heartbreak. As a woman entering her 20s, it makes me profoundly sad that no man ever had that puppy like innocent love for me, someone who cried for me. I just never got that peak emotion love.
I have so many huge problems in my life and have missed out on a whole lot. Extremely abusive parents, never even having friends, a severely restricted and bad life. It is shameful that the thing which makes me feel worst is simply that I never got to be someone's first love or heartbreak. The one they remember for life.
I see women talking about how they thought a man loved them so much, and after getting their heart broken, they will never feel the same. He changed them, and vice versa. But I never even got to experience that. Because of my restrictive, abusive upbringing, I could not even get that the experience of first love and heartbreak. I know it sounds very shallow, but still.
This hurts so much. When men online share experiences about their first heartbreak, for some reason I feel worse knowing I never got that love, and now at this age I probably never will. I know I should worry about my other life issues, but this actually hurts.
I know I might sound immature, but the way men talk about their first heartbreak and how love changed them, and vice versa for women, makes me feel awful. I never experienced that passionate love and never will. I know a lot of people say teenage love does not stay anyway, but that is not the point. Even if it does not last, the heartbreak and the memories definitely stay for a long time. No man ever got those memories from me, and they never will. Like the people who experience teenage love or their first love, they just remember them for forever but I am not in any man's memories.
I probably will not ever get into a relationship anyway. Even if I do, a 0.001% chance in a few years, it will just be diluted, scarred love. It will not be like how they loved their first woman. They will already be scarred from their previous heartbreak. It feels kinda awful that the person whom I will ever if love will be anyway just heartbroken or have memories of his first love. I would just be some random woman in his life. I never got to be someone first love or heartbreak and will now don't even get to be at this age. Will never experience the passionate love or heartbreak.
