u/Chemical-Crab-4862

I feel like I see a pattern in when I do it but I don't know how to stop or why I do it.

Usually whenever things are going really well or I'm not stressed or worried about something, I let myself go and masturbate. I used to do it frequently, way too frequently but I've tried to stop myself and come pretty far. But whenever there's something new I am working on either at work, learning or just personal issues and it succeeds and I'm happy during the day, I catch myself scrolling and then thinking about watching porn and masterbation and finally do it and feel guilty afterwards...

I also don't fully understand how it is haram. If something isn't explicitly said to be fully permitted or fully forbidden we're supposed to use our intelligence Allah gave us and use it to make decisions for ourselves.

This is just for my own learning and knowing the purpose of why I wear the hijab, fully. I followed my family values and wore the hijab since around high school but I've recently came to realize that I don't fully know why I do it and if it is even required. I've looking for the proof that it is and most evidence that comes up points to al-Nur 24:30-31 (which only talks about "not reveal their adornments" and the a little about "nakedness" which is not fully explained what it means) and Al-Ahzab 33:59 (which talks about bringing your 'khimar/jilbab' to your cover your chest?) None of this mentioned a head covering and the Interpretations have said that a women's awrah is anything but hands and face but based on the ayahs above its only apparent to cover your chest and not exactly what the 'adornments' that shall not be revealed are.

So, what is hijab exactly and is a head covering actually compulsory or is it just a sunnah kind of thing that you will be rewarded for if done but not compulsory? Some people just cover hair and dress in skin fitting clothing which is not modest but is that hijab then? Or if dressing modestly such as not showing off your chest to legs but showing your hair and arms, ankles, feet, or hand okay?

I'm not against anyone who does or doesn't wear hijab or even does or doesn't dress modestly. I'm trying to clear confusions for myself and use my own intuition and human capabilities to make decision about what Allah has not very clearly revealed, as we're told to do as Muslims.