u/Chipileta686

I'm an 18 year old girl, and ever since I was younger I had the premonition that men are stronger than women but didn't wanna think too much about it. Until I saw a video compilation of men destroying women in sports and I immediately started crying, I was in shock, I didn't know the difference was so big, now years later I still haven't gotten over it, I'll never be ok with this, it's the most devastating thing I've ever seen, I feel so unlucky for being born female, I just want to be as physically capable as a man because this is really not fair, why does one gender get such a big advantage over the other? Strength should be determined only by how much you train not by what's between your legs.

One day I was genuinely thinking of killing myself because there's nothing I can do to change how I was born, I told my parents and my dad started freaking out, really painful moment.

Another time I was on insta and found out about a woman who lost control of a monster truck in colombia and ran over a crowd, everyone in the comments was saying it's because she's a woman like "women ☕️" and whatnot, this made me so upset that I decided to hurt myself.

I've been going to the gym recently and I do feel a bit stronger, but I can't stop comparing myself to other people, but I'll try to keep going there regularly.

I recently saw a video about one of the strongest women ever losing a strength competition against a male bodybuilder and I started crying so hard my mom came up to me and I attacked her with my nails then pushed her to the ground, then kept screaming and crying hysterically, I did apologize to her, but I kept crying for several minutes until my dad came and I told him why I was crying.

I don't know why I care about strength so much, almost as if it determined a person's worth, basically "win good lose bad, woman lose to man therefore woman bad" being weaker than someone means you get humbled by them and therefore you are now seen as inferior to them, I don't want to be humbled, because I've already felt humiliation plenty of times in my life so now my ego is really fragile, even for intelectual matters as well, I said something wrong in Japanese class and got so embarrassed I cried afterwards, I can't be in a group because whenever I make a mistake suddenly I feel like everyone is better than me and they’re judging me, it's a deep insecurity.

It's also worth noting I've struggled with OCD and take medication for it, these are constant obsessive thoughts that may have to do with my OCD which has been centered around various topics throughout the years, like fear of getting pregnant or contracting rabies for example, I've suffered a lot because of it and it makes me act super cringe.

I can't even seek God for this because to me God is the one who made men stronger than women, so do I have to seek solace in the one who created my problem? Wtf, God better make me as strong as men, but that's not gonna happen.

Just felt like sharing.