u/Circus_Graveyard

I don’t know If this is the right place to post this but I need to get this off my chest,

I’m GHSV1 positive and have been for 3 years, and last night my parter said something that made me feel weird…I’ve only had one outbreak 3 years ago and at the moment I’m very sick and I think I’m having my second outbreak (I’m not 100% sure but I feel burning and tingling so I’m treating it as such) and he wanted to have sex, I explained to him that I don’t feel comfortable doing it as I think I may be having the start of a outbreak, he hugs me and tells me it’s ok, (he knows how anxious I am about accidentally giving it to him), when we were in bed cuddling he said “you know I don’t care if I catch it, I love you no matter what” and started trying to touch me, I sat up and said “it makes me uncomfortable, I don’t want to risk it”, he sits up and says “I won’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable and I’m sorry”, we lay back down and he says “haha at least if I catch it you can’t leave me, sometimes I hope I catch it”, and it felt like a punch in the gut, I know he didn’t mean it in a bad way but it made me feel awful, he’s never said anything like that before to me, I think he was trying to make me feel better but I don’t know how I should feel about it, how would other feel if your partner said this to you?, I don’t know if I’m over thinking or if what he said was wrong

My daughter’s name is Daisy and the other day at the park she was playing with another kid, the other kids mum said next to me and talked and asked what my daughters name was and I said Daisy and she replies “oh, I know a couple dogs named that, why’d you choose that name?” I replied my aunty named her after one of our family members (my grandmother’s mother), and I dunno since then it’s stuck with me, there’s no way I’ll change it as I do love the name and it’s a family name but makes me worried I’ve given her a bad name 😅😅, am I over thinking?

My fiancé and I have 2 wonderful kids, he has has a son from a previous relationship and I have a daughter from a previous relationship, we both have full custody of our kids and I love our family to bits, we recently just bought a house together and he’s starting to bring up about is trying for a baby together but I get this massive wave of guilt every time he does, I had a very toxic relationship with my daughters father, she was a surprise baby, and I did everything while I was pregnant, worked 6 days a week, payed for EVERYTHING, prepared for everything while her father sat at home jobless and cheating one me (obviously I didn’t know he was cheating at the time) I felt completely disconnected from the pregnancy thinking how am I going to do everything and pay for 3 people all by myself, I wasn’t excited I was terrified, I remember thinking when she’s born and she’s on my chest I’ll feel something, I’ll feel that over whelming love a mother feels as soon as her baby is in her arms and when to came to it, I didn’t. And I hate myself for it. I thought she was cute but she didn’t feel like she was mine, a month after she was born I found out her father was cheating and it completely broke me, after everything I done, I obviously left him and had very little to do with her and eventually stopped seeing her completely, I had a pretty bad break down and was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression, obviously now I love my daughter more than anything thing in the world, I would die for her but I can’t even look at baby photos of her without crying thinking to myself why didn’t I love you the way a mother was ment to love her baby, my fiancé tells me everything will be different this time, and he’s here for me every step of the way and I’m not alone doing it this time, but the two biggest things in my mind is what if this time I do feel the love and then have the guilt eating at me about how I felt about my daughter or what if I don’t feel anything again and hate myself for it…and it’s the cycle of feeling like there’s something wrong with me, don’t get me wrong I do want another baby but I feel torn on the fact either way I’m going to be mad at myself…has anyone else gone through something like this and can maybe offer me some advice or tell me what happened when it came to having another baby

So basically my fiancé 28m and I 25f have bought a 3 bedroom house 3 hours away from here we currently live, I already have a job lined up, my partner is already working there and I want to take my 3 year old daughter with us, but my daughters father 27m believes he deserves full custody of our daughter even though he cannot take correct care of her and even has to ask me for money for her on his weekends, long story short of everything, My daughters father does not have a job, has not had one in 3 years and even before that he was fired from every job he has had within 2-4 months of working there, he has threatened me endlessly about taking our daughter away from me and uses the excuse of me having a job saying “I’m home all day, therefore I should have her, I’ll just get the single parent payment and get child support off you” my ex also does not pay ANY child support as he literally has no money to do so, I am her primary carer, I have her 95% of the time, he gets her every 3rd weekend and for the first 5 months of her life he had nothing to do with her. My daughter and I were both sent to a psychiatric unit in Sydney (one where mums get to keep their kids there to) and we were so happy for 5 months, I have documentation on things he had threaten and said to me while I was there, he did not see her once, or sent any type of money for her. They also have documents saying they do not belive she would be thriving living with him, the only reason I was sent there was because after I was messaged by a man saying they had been sleeping together and he had no idea about me or our daughter, my psychologist ended up saying I should go to get away from it all for a few weeks and let me enjoy being a new mum away from him and all the drama he brings.

I’m sick of his threats of taking her. She doesn’t even have a bed at his house, she shares his bed at his mother’s house, I’m sick of anytime there’s a fight he threatens not to bring her back, or that he’ll take me to court and “He’ll win because he has a better situation for her”, he smokes pot constantly, punches holes in walls, doors and his car (I even have a hole in my bedroom door from him), I worked my entire pregnancy until the day she was born while he sat at home “job hunting” while in reality he was cheating on me with other men and under aged girls (some of which I actually still have screen shots and proof on my phone), I’ve also had people messaging me for drug debt money HE owned to people, but I’m sick to my stomach over the fear of losing my daughter, she is my whole world. My partner and I pay for everything for my daughter, including her medical issues, specialist, daycare, medicines, and he’s payed for nothing.

I know this a large rant but I want everyone to know the situation, at this point we’re looking mediation, we’ve said he can have her every 2nd or 3rd weekend but he says he’ll say no to everything until we get to court “so he can win his baby girl”, I’m crying every night because I’m so so scared of losing her, everyone has told me to let him take me to court, but I’m still so scared of losing her,

Can anyone give me any type of advice? My head won’t stop, and I just need to know if anyone can tell me anything that could help me calm down or how court and mediation fully works, my partner has full custody of his son and has explained some of it to me but I’m so scared.