u/ClearButterscotch870

I already know Reddit is probably going to have opinions about this one, so here we go.

My MIL and I have a complicated relationship. I'm pregnant, and I've been trying really hard to avoid unnecessary drama during my pregnancy.

This weekend, my husband had plans with his family to play board games. I did not have plans with my MIL. I did not agree to go. Nobody asked me if I was coming.

I went out to get breakfast and was talking to my great uncle.

Apparently, my MIL came to the house expecting me to be there. She stayed for maybe 30 minutes and then left.

I have cameras around the outside of my house. On the footage, I watched her walk out of my house, slam my front door, and say, “Why the fuck isn't she here?”

She then left me a voicemail basically saying she thought we had plans, that I never came back to the house, that she had things to do, and that she didn't want to sit around watching the boys play games, so she was going back to her home.

I called her back because I genuinely wanted to know what was going on. She was already driving home and told me she'd had a horrible day the day before, hadn't slept well, and had plans for the rest of the day. (My husband informed me later that she didnt have plans for the rest of the day she was just saying that to make me feel like shit)

My roommate/friend was in the car with me during the call and was honestly shocked by the attitude she was giving me.

My husband later told me that she was depressed and that I wasn't even the only person she had attacked on Saturday.

And apparently this is supposed to make me feel better?

It doesn't.

I have empathy for depression. I really do. But depression can explain why someone is struggling. It does not give someone a free pass to be rude, aggressive, or take their emotions out on other people.

And here's the part that is really pissing me off.

I'm pregnant.

I have gestational diabetes.

I didn't even want to tell my MIL about my diagnosis because I didn't want to deal with her opinions or reactions. My husband insisted that she should know, so now she knows.

And now my husband wants to invite her to my upcoming ultrasound.

I told him I want this ultrasound to be just me and him.

Not his mother.

Not his family.

Not a family gathering.

Me, my husband, and my baby.

His argument is that his mom is depressed and that we need to include her.

So I told him:

“Yeah, so am I, yet you don't see me taking it out on people. Different people, different reactions and all. Go ahead and tell her, but please stress to her that I am already very stressed about this diagnosis and that it's nothing that I could have controlled.”

Because I'm honestly getting really tired of the double standard.

Apparently when she's depressed, everyone needs to understand her behavior.

When I'm depressed, pregnant, stressed, worried about my baby, and dealing with a medical diagnosis I had absolutely no control over, I'm still expected to worry about her feelings.

Why?

Why does her depression mean she gets access to my pregnancy?

Why does her having a bad day mean I'm supposed to tolerate being treated badly?

Why am I expected to make accommodations for her emotional state when nobody seems particularly concerned about mine?

And before anyone says, “But she's the grandmother!”

Being the grandmother doesn't automatically give you access to someone's pregnancy.

This is my medical appointment.(that im very stressed over btw)

I'm the pregnant person.

I'm the one dealing with the diagnosis.

I'm the one sitting there worrying about my baby.

I should not have to invite someone to an ultrasound because my husband is worried that she'll be sad if she's excluded.

If she gets upset because she isn't invited, that's unfortunate. But her disappointment is not an emergency.

I also don't think I'm being cruel by saying this. I'm not telling my husband he can't have a relationship with his mother. I'm not telling him he can't tell her about the baby. I'm not trying to punish her.

I'm saying I want one ultrasound without worrying about anyone else's feelings.

And honestly, after watching her slam my front door and say “why the fuck isn't she here?” because I wasn't somewhere I never agreed to be, I'm even less comfortable having her at my appointment.

The thing that bothers me most is that my husband keeps bringing up her depression as though I'm supposed to surrender my boundaries because she's struggling.

I'm struggling too.

And I've managed not to make everyone around me responsible for regulating my emotions.

So tell me...

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to invite my MIL to this ultrasound?

Or is my husband expecting me to sacrifice my own comfort and peace because his mom might be upset?

Because at this point, I'm starting to feel like everyone else's feelings are being treated as more important than mine during MY pregnancy.

I'm so excited to meet my little boy. I had a 3D scan recently and seeing his little face completely melted me. He already looks so much like me, and I love him more than I ever thought I could.

But if I'm being honest, I'm terrified.

It's not just labor itself, although that scares me too. It's everything surrounding it. I keep seeing posts where people talk about how, the second the baby is born, everyone forgets about the mom. It feels like the mother suddenly becomes an afterthought, like the only thing that matters anymore is the baby.

I want my son to be loved and celebrated. Of course I do. But I'm scared that I'll disappear in the process.

I'm scared that no one will ask how I'm doing. That I'll just be expected to recover, breastfeed, function on no sleep, and somehow still be myself. I'm scared that the person I am now will just... vanish.

I know becoming a mom changes you, and I know that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just don't want to lose me. I don't want my entire identity to become "someone's mom."

Does anyone else feel this way before giving birth? Did the fear get better? Were you still able to find yourself again after becoming a parent?

I love my baby more than anything already. This fear doesn't come from not wanting him—it comes from being scared that I won't recognize myself anymore once he's here.

I (13 weeks pregnant) am struggling with whether I'm being unreasonable or whether the situation with my mother-in-law is genuinely concerning.

For years, I've felt like I was never good enough for her son. No matter what I did, it seemed like there was always something wrong with me. There have been multiple occasions where she has spoken negatively about me, said hurtful things, created conflict, and then expected everyone to move on without really addressing what happened.

My husband and I are expecting our first child, which should be one of the happiest times of our lives. Instead, a lot of this pregnancy has been overshadowed by drama.

The latest issue involved my baby shower. My mother has been planning it, and somehow that became a problem. My MIL made it known that she didn't want to attend if certain people were there. Rather than putting aside her issues for one day to celebrate her future grandchild, she suggested throwing an entirely separate baby shower at her house for her own friends instead.

That situation ended up causing conflict between me and my husband because she involved him in the middle of it. What should have been a simple celebration became another source of stress.

What really pushed me over the edge happened on saturday. A woman who was my MIL's best friend for YEARS contacted my mother out of nowhere. According to my mom, she told her to be prepared to help me find the best attorney possible because she believes my MIL is going to try to take my baby.

To be clear, my MIL has never directly told me she wants custody of my child. But hearing something that serious from someone who knew her closely for years has completely rattled me. This wasn't a random acquaintance. This was someone who knew her extremely well.

The reaction from my own family has honestly made me question whether I'm underreacting rather than overreacting. My dad actually lived with me and my husband for a period of time, so he had a front-row seat to a lot of the issues and behavior I've dealt with from my MIL over the years. He witnessed the drama, the conflicts, and the way she inserts herself into situations firsthand.

After hearing what my MIL's former best friend said, my dad became so concerned that he suggested I consider hiring a private investigator to keep an eye on her and document anything unusual. I haven't done that, and I don't know if I ever would, but hearing that suggestion from someone who has personally witnessed her behavior and knows the full history really shook me.

Now I'm questioning everything. Between years of feeling unwelcome, being made to feel like I'm not good enough for her son, the constant drama, the baby shower issues, and now this warning, I honestly don't feel comfortable having her heavily involved in my pregnancy or having unsupervised access to my child when they're born.

My husband thinks I'm overreacting. He doesn't think his mother would ever do something like that. (This has been a fear of mine since before I was ever pregnant)

But from my perspective, if someone who spent years as her best friend felt strongly enough to call my mother and warn her, and my own father's reaction was concern rather than disbelief, shouldn't I take that seriously?

I need some outside perspective because this situation feels way bigger than just a baby shower at this point.

I’m currently pregnant and planning one baby shower. My mom is hosting it.

My mother-in-law told my husband she doesn’t want to attend if a specific person is there (someone she considers “toxic”). When this got back to me, I addressed it directly and said a baby shower is about celebrating the baby, not avoiding people, and that adults should be able to coexist for a few hours.

She doubled down and said she doesn’t find it immature to avoid “toxic people” and that it’s for her personal peace. Then she suggested hosting a second baby shower at her house in her city instead of attending ours.

I told her no. I’m not splitting one celebration into multiple events to accommodate adult conflict. She’s free to not attend, but I’m not creating another party.

Then the reasoning shifted. Suddenly it’s “not about the conflict,” but about people in her area who can’t travel and want to celebrate. This second shower was never mentioned until she decided she didn’t want to attend ours.

Now here’s the bigger picture/history:

- She already made a scene with her son about not being the one hosting the baby shower, since my mom is planning it

- That situation directly caused a fight between me and my husband

- There’s been a pattern of her saying hurtful things about me and then expecting things to move on without real accountability (she has multiple times called me and my family white trash & caused problems at the wedding)

- I’ve tried multiple times to keep things civil or improve the relationship, and it often ends with more comments or behavior that makes me feel disrespected

- During my pregnancy (which has already been stressful), I’ve felt like I have to manage her emotions on top of everything else

- Now with this situation, it feels like she’s trying to control how things are done (hosting, guest list dynamics, location, etc.) instead of just showing up to support us

- When I set a boundary, the response tends to be either deflection, reframing the issue, or positioning herself as the victim, or my husband turning around and starting fights over "my mom just wanting to be included"

She also invited us to a separate going-away party right after all of this???? acting casual, which just added to the confusion.

At this point, I feel like i set a reasonable boundary, The reasoning keeps changing depending on what sounds better, There’s an ongoing issue with control and not being the one “in charge”, I’m being expected to carry emotional weight I don’t have the capacity for right now

Because at this point, this doesn’t feel like it’s about celebrating a baby anymore. it feels like a power struggle I didn’t sign up for.

Would genuinely appreciate outside perspectives.

I need some outside perspective because this situation feels ridiculous.

I’m currently pregnant (its VERY EARLY a little over 2 months along)and planning one baby shower. My mom is hosting it. Pretty standard.

Here’s where things start getting messy. My mother-in-law told my husband she doesn’t want to attend the shower if a specific person is there (someone she considers “toxic”). When this got back to me, I addressed it directly and said that avoiding someone for a few hours at a baby shower shouldn’t be that hard, and that the event is about celebrating the baby. not adult conflicts.

Her response? She doubled down and said she doesn’t find it immature to avoid “toxic people” and that it’s for her personal peace. Then she suggested hosting a second baby shower in her city instead of attending the one we already have started to plan.

For added context:

She already made a scene with her son about the fact that my mom is hosting the baby shower, which caused a fight between me and my husband.

The idea of a second shower never came up until she decided she didn’t want to attend because of this other person.

She wants to host this second event at her house, with her people.

I told her no. I said I’m not willing to split what should be one celebration into multiple events just to accommodate personal conflicts. I made it clear she’s free to choose not to attend, but I’m not rearranging things or creating additional parties because adults can’t coexist for a few hours.

She then tried to reframe it as “not about the conflict,” saying there are people in her area who would love to celebrate but can’t travel. That feels like a complete pivot from the original reasoning.

She also invited us to a separate going-away party right after all of this, acting casual, while also saying she’s in an “uncomfortable situation” and appreciates my empathy.

At this point, I feel like I set a reasonable boundary, The reasoning keeps shifting depending on what sounds better,There’s underlying tension about her not being the one hosting, And I’m being expected to accommodate everything while pregnant??

My real questions are:

1. Is it unreasonable to refuse a second baby shower, even if more people “would attend”?

2. Does this clearly read as being about avoiding someone, despite the rebranding?

3. Am I off base for feeling like hosting it at her house makes it more about her than the baby?

4. Does the fact she already caused issues over not being the host change how this comes across?

Because from where I’m sitting, this feels less like genuine support and more like control disguised as compromise.

Would love honest opinions.