u/Comfortable-Fact-788

We ‘dated’ almost 3 years ago. I remember him telling me that one day I would hate him for what hes done, and that he hoped that by 18 I wouldnt remember him.
And none of it is true, i dont hate him. I did for a bit because it felt less painfull than missing him but I cant lie to myself. I begged him to stay and not leave I wanted him to love me I wanted all of this to happen. But I was naive I blame myself for that no matter if people tell me its not my fault I should have known better. I knew it was grooming but I couldnt let go of him I was in such a bad place it felt like I was going to die if he left.
But I didnt die, im still there even tho I wish I wasnt most of the time and im soon to be 18 and I still think of him everyday. I still remember him and I want to feel like he made me feel again.
Even if it wasnt genuine on his part Im aware it wasnt. I like to think that he cared and actually loved me because knowing he didnt is just worst so I keep holding tight to thoses few memories I have where I felt genuenly loved otherwise its just sad. And i dont want it to be just sad.
And I get dms of random men and think ‘theyre clearly stupid for thinking anyone would fall for that’
But thinking back of when we started talking he was like any of thoses and I did fall for it, because I was so miserable and so stupid.
I write him letters he wont read too often for it to be a healthy coping mechanism. If he were in front of me I dont know if id beg him for him to take me back or if Id want him dead. He dissapeared randomly and I never talked to him again, its probably for the best but I wish I got closure. And im mad that he took that from me, it was selfish like everything else he did. But theres still this part of me that wants him whenever I feel lonely, whenever I feel bad I want him and his words to reassure me. And in the end im more mad at myself for feeling that way than at him for taking advantage of me.

Sry if I made any mistakes english isnt my first language.

Tw : mention of suicide

For years cutting myself has been the only outlet I have for my emotions even if Im in therapy even if I talk about it when things go bad nothing helps exept harming myself in other ways but the only difference with cutting is that im not leaving permanent scars.
I hate this I hate myself for ever starting this and I hate myself even more for not being able to get out.
I have thoses fucked up fantaisies all the time where I cut myself so deep and theres always someone with me helping me trough it and it disturbs me so much and it always comes back.
I need to get better but im stuck ive been litteraly stuck alone in my parent’s house for two years not doing anything and now im unable to try and find a future because I dont even want one I was supposed to be dead years ago I should have died when I wanted to more than anything else but now everything just feel empty of sense and meaning. And I just wish things werent the way they are but its how it is and I hope every day for someone to come and put me out of my misery one way or an other. I feel so lonely in this all the time and I cant do anything about it I get sick just thinking about it. I dont know what to do Ive been sober for a while but it seems like the only outlet because otherwise everything just builds up more and more and im just afraid

For context Im 17 (ftm) and I live with my dad, my step mom and my step sister who is older than me by a few years.

I came out 3 years ago, my two other siblings who moved out a while ago use the correct name and pronouns for me most of the time, so does my mother. But I rarely see any of them, and we dont live together anyway.

One part of me wants to be upset because its been so long and I feel like on different occasions I expressed to them even tho it wasnt directly talking about them that I was so tired and hurt by others misgendering me and they keep doing it.

Its like they dont even try at all. It feels like to them, none of what I say applies to them, even if they understand why it upsets me in other contexts.

But at the same time I cant be upset because its my dad who helped me trough the whole process of legally changing my name to what I wanted it to be.

Thanks to him now my legal name is my choosen name.

Its my sister who wouldnt hesitate one second to kick someone if they were transphobic towards me.

My step mom is a bit different, we have a difficult relationship its ups and downs. But she still supports me I know she does.

And I just dont know what to do, because in my family it feels so complicated to just go on and talk about it, and I feel like its been going on like that for so long without me saying anything that at this point its been forgotten and thrown under the carpet.

And I dont want to be mad at them, im not mad at them. Im just hurt but I feel like I shouldnt be hurt because of what they all do for me.

i just dont know what to do, talking to my father wouldnt be so complicated its with my step mom and sister im scared they will just shut down and get upset.

Im posting on here because I dont know if anyone has been in similar situations and I could use some advices on how to navigate this situation because I really cant take this anymore.

Sorry if I made mistakes english isnt my first language