u/Comfortable-Shoe5107

TLDR: My former best friend of 8 years treated me with extreme disrespect/unkindness, and I told her I needed space. She reached out a few times, hinting at reconnecting, but I never clearly said I didn’t want the friendship anymore. Now, 1.5 years later, I still feel like an asshole for not being direct and wonder if I should explain, or just leave it be.

For context:

We were best friends for 8 years in a very intense, codependent dynamic. We were each other’s main support system, especially when she struggled. I showed up constantly. Late-night calls, taking her to the dr, helping her through crises, while also feeling deeply connected and valued. At the time, it felt meaningful and safe.

I was really drawn to her adventurous and childlike energy, everything seemed colourful and exciting when I was with her. But there were also a lot of heavy, deep traumas and emotions. I felt like I had a lot of love and patience to give, and thought if I helped her and showed her that there are good people in this world who wants to treat her well, then maybe something in her would heal even just a little bit.

I only say this for nuance, not to stigmatize: She has BPD (quiet type), and I had strong codependant tendencies. I often excused hurtful behavior because I understood her background and didn’t want to damage the relationship. Over time though, I began working on myself, setting boundaries, and exploring life outside the friendship. I noticed how I felt increasingly drained.

Whenever I tried to communicate boundaries, she often became defensive or dismissive. The dynamic became unstable with conflicts more often. But then sometimes it would shift, and we would be close as ever, talking about how we were both evolving, and how boundaries between us were scary and uncomfortable because it shifts our dynamic, but our friendship could stand it because we're strong and love each other, and want to see each other succeed etc. Whenever something bothered me, I tried explaining it in a direct, but soft way, also highlighting my love for her.

But it kept happening, the ups and downs, the rudeness, word-salad-monologues that left me confused and anxious, not knowing exactly what I'd done, until it culminated in august 2024, where we had several conversations that shocked me.

She send me long voicenotes (20 mins), implying I had done something wrong but wouldn’t clearly say what. I told her I didn't want this kind of communication, and if I had done something she could tell me directly or not at all. She was vague, dancing around the point, word-salad type of stuff. I was extremely confused, and felt like I was being dragged around. When we met, she was vague, but angry and confrontational, questioning my honesty and intentions. I tried to stay calm and direct, but the conversation felt chaotic and manipulative. She would derail conversations, focus on irrelevant details, or shift into emotional monologues that left me disoriented. She said things like "I can tell on your face that you're lying/hiding something. I can read on your bodylanguage that you think I'm a narcissist" "Do you think I'm a narcissist?" (She would always ask if I thought she was a narcissist, wanting me to explain all the reasons why I thought not. She would ask this question repeatedly during our friendship, along with similar validation-seeking questions).

For example, after I asked her to not interrupt me, she would go into a long monologue about how it's normal in conversations to sometimes interrupt each other to keep the conversation going, and that no normal people ever just wait until the perfect time to talk. How I had to also give her space to be herself, and that it couldn't always be about my "boundaries". I also had to include her boundaries (she never explained exactly what her boundaries was, but she kept using it against me when I corrected her)...

After that, I felt deeply drained and stopped reaching out, and so did she. Three months later she messaged me, and I told her I needed space. Eight months after that, she contacted me again, but I avoided answering directly because I was unsure of my feelings.

Now I sit with this nagging feeling that I've been a huge coward. I always preach about direct communication, and how it's never too late to explain yourself, and I know she feels the same. I know she struggles with social cues, and has a huge abandonment-fear, and I feel bad that I quietly slid out of our friendship without giving her closure, and while also softening the blow by saying I hoped we would find each other again some day.

At the same time, I feel like her behavior was so extreme and unkind, that I feel like leaving is also the natural consequence of behaving that way.

But I also remember being in that position with former partners, not knowing exactly what happened, and waiting for an explanation that never came, and how it kept nagging me for such a long time, it felt like torture. I feel bad that I've probably caused such a feeling.

What would you do?

TLDR: My former best friend of 8 years treated me with extreme disrespect/unkindness, and I told her I needed distance for now. She reached out a couple times, hinting at if I still needed space, but I didn't tell her I didn't want a friendship anymore, since I wasn't sure about my feelings at that time. Now, 1,5 years later, I feel like a coward for not communicating more directly, and is unsure if I should reach out to explain why our friendship didn't work out, or if it would be more kind to just leave it be. I don't want to be unnecessarily hurtful.

For context:

We were best friends for 8 years. It became very intense and codependant very quickly. Codependent in a way where, when she was feeling bad, I would swoop in and support/help her in any way possible. Late night calls, driving to her city, take her to the doctor, hold her while she cried, listen to her talk about her issues over and over and over again, staying over at her place and cook/clean for a week when her and her boyfriend broke up. I felt happy and honored that she would share so much deep, trusting vulnerability with me, and I also shared with her, and she supported me as well. I felt like we had a deep, inseparable bond, which felt amazing and safe, since I've always had a deep, anchored feeling of not really mattering much to anyone. We both found a lot of safety in each other, and became each other's main person.

I was really drawn to her adventurous and childlike energy, everything seemed colourful and exciting when I was spending time with her. But there were also a lot of heavy, deep traumas and emotions. But I felt like I had a lot of love and patience to give, and if I helped her and showed her that there are good people in this world who wants to treat her well, then that would maybe be a little bit healing (I know, I had kind of a savior-complex, but I've worked on it since then)

I only say this for nuance, not to stigmatize: She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (quiet type). I myself is diagnosed with ADD, but was neglected growing up, which made us mirror each other in a comforting way. I've later learned that BPD and codependent personalities usually end up together in some way, and how they often make each other worse. I definitely fit the codependant-type back then, as I had a tendency to excuse and allow everything she did or said, in my head and to others, because I felt like I understood where she was coming from/why she did what she did, due to her trauma. And because it felt more safe to do so, maybe because I was scared to damage our relation.

During our friendship, I started working on myself, explored different relationships, jobs, educations etc. I started feeling more and more drained by her, and when I tried to explain to her some of my new boundaries between us, they were often challenged. I experienced her as getting more and more defensive. But then sometimes it would shift, and we would be close as ever, talking about how we were both evolving, and how boundaries between us were scary and uncomfortable because it shifts our dynamic, but that our friendship could stand it because we're strong and love each other, and want to see each other succeed etc etc. Whenever something bothered me, I tried explaining it in a direct, but soft way, also highlighting my love for her.

But it kept happening, the ups and downs, the rudeness, her jealousy, passive aggressiveness, hurtful things she told me, the confusion, something small would become 100 times bigger, word-salad-monologues that left me confused and anxious, not knowing exactly what I'd done, until it culminated in august 2024, where we had several conversations that shocked me.

She would send me cryptic, long voicenotes (20 minute long), hinting at something I had done, but she wouldn't tell me, but how it made her angry, disappointed etc. I told her I didn't want this kind of communication, and if I had done something she could tell me directly or not at all. Her answers would be vague, dancing around the point, word-salad type of stuff. It was extremely confusing, and I felt like I was being dragged around trying to keep up. We met up, and she would be vague, then extremely angry, but never telling me exactly what I had done wrong. I was trying to be very direct in what I was expecting, what I would not accept regarding the way she spoke to me etc. I experienced her tone and body language as aggressive and confronting. Said things like "I can tell on your face that you're lying/hiding something. I can read on your bodylanguage that you think I'm a narcissist" "Do you think I'm a narcissist?" (She would always ask if I thought she was a narcissist, wanting me to explained all the reasons why I thought she wasn't a narcissist. She would ask this question repeatedly during our friendship, along with other similar validation-seeking questions).

It's hard to explain exactly what happened, because a lot of stuff was said/insinuated by her. Whenever I tried to keep her to the point, she would focus on weird details, change the subject in (what I experienced as) a manipulating way.

For example, after I asked her to not interrupt me, she would go into a long monologue about how it's normal in conversations to sometimes interrupt each other to keep the conversation going, and that no normal people ever just wait until the perfect time to talk. How I had to also give her space to be herself, and that it couldn't always be about my "boundaries", I also had to include her boundaries (she never wanted to explain exactly what her boundaries was, but she kept using it against me when I corrected her fx when she kept interrupting me)...

Then she would suddenly say: "I've thought about something for a very long time, but I dont know if I should tell you.... I dont want to hurt you or make you angry..... I dont know if I should...." waiting for me to ask her to tell me...... then would go into how she thought I was such an amazing person and so beautiful, and how I shouldnt compare myself with X who I always compared myself to, how we both were amazing people etc etc. I was shocked because it felt kinda unhinged ?? I said: "I'm not comparing myself with X. I know all these things. I dont feel insecure anymore, thats not an issue for me at all"

We ended on OK terms that day, but I felt drained. I stopped contacting her. She didnt contact me either.

Three months later she texted me, and I answered I needed space because of our last conversation. Then she texted me 8 months later again, hinting at if we were still on a friendship-break, but I didn't reply about that, because I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I added the convo to this post (Note: It's translated from my native language to english via AI).

Now I sit with this nagging feeling that I've been kind of a (huge) coward. I always preach about direct communication, and how it's never too late to explain yourself, and I know she feels the same because we've talked about it a lot during our friendship. I know she struggles with social cues, and has a huge abandonment-fear, and I feel bad that I quietly slided out of our friendship without really giving a proper exit-explanation, and while also softening the blow by saying I hoped we would find each other again some day.

At the same time, I feel like her behavior towards me was so extreme and unkind, even knowing her traumatic past and patterns, that I feel like leaving is also the natural consequence of behaving that way.

Also: If I reached out to explain, I would be scared of hurting her unneccesarily. Like, hey, it's your former best friend you haven't heard from in 1,5 years, just checking in to tell you why I don't want you in my life.

But I also remember being in that position with former partners, not knowing exactly what happened, and waiting for an explanation that never came, and how it kept nagging me for such a long time, it felt like torture. I feel bad that I've probably caused such a feeling for such a long time, and am not sure how to move forward.

TLDR: My former best friend of 8 years treated me with extreme disrespect/unkindness, and I told her I needed distance for now. She reached out a couple times, hinting at if I still needed space, but I didn't tell her I didn't want a friendship anymore, since I wasn't sure about my feelings at that time. Now, 1,5 years later, I feel like a coward for not communicating more directly, and is unsure if I should reach out to explain why our friendship didn't work out, or if it would be more kind to just leave it be. I don't want to be unnecessarily hurtful.

For context:

We were best friends for 8 years. It became very intense and codependant very quickly. Codependent in a way where, when she was feeling bad, I would swoop in and support/help her in any way possible. Late night calls, driving to her city, take her to the doctor, hold her while she cried, listen to her talk about her issues over and over and over again, staying over at her place and cook/clean for a week when her and her boyfriend broke up. I felt happy and honored that she would share so much deep, trusting vulnerability with me, and I also shared with her, and she supported me as well. I felt like we had a deep, inseparable bond, which felt amazing and safe, since I've always had a deep, anchored feeling of not really mattering much to anyone. We both found a lot of safety in each other, and became each other's main person.

I was really drawn to her adventurous and childlike energy, everything seemed colourful and exciting when I was spending time with her. But there were also a lot of heavy, deep traumas and emotions. But I felt like I had a lot of love and patience to give, and if I helped her and showed her that there are good people in this world who wants to treat her well, then that would maybe be a little bit healing (I know, I had kind of a savior-complex, but I've worked on it since then)

I only say this for nuance, not to stigmatize: She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (quiet type) - later diagnosed with autism. I myself is diagnosed with ADD, but was neglected growing up, which made us mirror each other in a comforting way. I've later learned that BPD and codependent personalities usually end up together in some way, and how they often make each other worse. I definitely fit the codependant-type back then, as I had a tendency to excuse and allow everything she did or said, in my head and to others, because I felt like I understood where she was coming from/why she did what she did, due to her trauma. And because it felt more safe to do so, maybe because I was scared to damage our relation.

During our friendship, I started working on myself, explored different relationships, jobs, educations etc. I started feeling more and more drained by her, and when I tried to explain to her some of my new boundaries between us, they were often challenged. I experienced her as getting more and more defensive. But then sometimes it would shift, and we would be close as ever, talking about how we were both evolving, and how boundaries between us were scary and uncomfortable because it shifts our dynamic, but that our friendship could stand it because we're strong and love each other, and want to see each other succeed etc etc. Whenever something bothered me, I tried explaining it in a direct, but soft way, also highlighting my love for her.

But it kept happening, the ups and downs, the rudeness, her jealousy, passive aggressiveness, hurtful things she told me, the confusion, something small would become 100 times bigger, word-salad-monologues that left me confused and anxious, not knowing exactly what I'd done, until it culminated in august 2024, where we had several conversations that shocked me.

She would send me cryptic, long voicenotes (20 minute long), hinting at something I had done, but she wouldn't tell me, but how it made her angry, disappointed etc. I told her I didn't want this kind of communication, and if I had done something she could tell me directly or not at all. Her answers would be vague, dancing around the point, word-salad type of stuff. It was extremely confusing, and I felt like I was being dragged around trying to keep up. We met up, and she would be vague, then extremely angry, but never telling me exactly what I had done wrong. I was trying to be very direct in what I was expecting, what I would not accept regarding the way she spoke to me etc. I experienced her tone and body language as aggressive and confronting. Said things like "I can tell on your face that you're lying/hiding something. I can read on your bodylanguage that you think I'm a narcissist" "Do you think I'm a narcissist?" (She would always ask if I thought she was a narcissist, wanting me to explained all the reasons why I thought she wasn't a narcissist. She would ask this question repeatedly during our friendship, along with other similar validation-seeking questions).

It's hard to explain exactly what happened, because a lot of stuff was said/insinuated by her. Whenever I tried to keep her to the point, she would focus on weird details, change the subject in (what I experienced as) a manipulating way.

For example, after I asked her to not interrupt me, she would go into a long monologue about how it's normal in conversations to sometimes interrupt each other to keep the conversation going, and that no normal people ever just wait until the perfect time to talk. How I had to also give her space to be herself, and that it couldn't always be about my "boundaries", I also had to include her boundaries (she never wanted to explain exactly what her boundaries was, but she kept using it against me when I corrected her fx when she kept interrupting me)...

Then she would suddenly say: "I've thought about something for a very long time, but I dont know if I should tell you.... I dont want to hurt you or make you angry..... I dont know if I should...." waiting for me to ask her to tell me...... then would go into how she thought I was such an amazing person and so beautiful, and how I shouldnt compare myself with X who I always compared myself to, how we both were amazing people etc etc. I was shocked because it felt kinda unhinged ?? I said: "I'm not comparing myself with X. I know all these things. I dont feel insecure anymore, thats not an issue for me at all"

We ended on OK terms that day, but I felt drained. I stopped contacting her. She didnt contact me either.

Three months later she texted me, and I answered I needed space because of our last conversation. Then she texted me 8 months later again, hinting at if we were still on a friendship-break, but I didn't reply about that, because I wasn't sure how I was feeling. I will try to upload the convo to the comments of this post if allowed (Note: It's translated from my native language to english via AI).

Now I sit with this nagging feeling that I've been kind of a (huge) coward. I always preach about direct communication, and how it's never too late to explain yourself, and I know she feels the same because we've talked about it a lot during our friendship. I know she struggles with social cues, and has a huge abandonment-fear, and I feel bad that I quietly slided out of our friendship without really giving a proper exit-explanation, and while also softening the blow by saying I hoped we would find each other again some day.

At the same time, I feel like her behavior towards me was so extreme and unkind, even knowing her traumatic past and patterns, that I feel like leaving is also the natural consequence of behaving that way.

Also: If I reached out to explain, I would be scared of hurting her unneccesarily. Like, hey, it's your former best friend you haven't heard from in 1,5 years, just checking in to tell you why I don't want you in my life.

But I also remember being in that position with former partners, not knowing exactly what happened, and waiting for an explanation that never came, and how it kept nagging me for such a long time, it felt like torture. I feel bad that I've probably caused such a feeling.

What do you all think?