u/ComfortableGur2954

I want to understand something, you don't have to agree to it, if you think what I'm feeling is because of my past issues or traumas and it's just in my head and nothing actually is effecting mein any way, for context I was m\*\*\*\*\*ed by my brother at a young age right after few month of my father's d\*\*th.

I saw some affair thing of my mother after a year maybe of my fathers d\*\*th, because of which my mother used to mentally torture me and calling me w\*\*\*e infront of my brothers all the time, snatch my phone infront of them just to embarrass me and " say let check is there any boy you talking to" or kick me as hard as she could on my head while I was sleeping to see how alert I was during my sleep, so I don't get m\*\*\*\*\*ed again (which was my fault the first time btw because I shouldn't have babied or cared for my little brother after my father's death and because I babied him, he did that to me). At one point I was even with holding my hunger as a child because I wasn't sure I was allowed to ask for food.

I had a messed up childhood to sum it all up, abandoned, lonely, craving for love or genius relationship at the same time torn, and rebellious to never trust anyone now onwards and never to be dependent on anyone financially, emotionally or in any way because all people are the same, pushed alot of friends or never made friendships to a point where it could effect me emotionally,

Never been in a relationship because again I was scared,

Then someone I somewhat trusted told me he liked me to me and I first pushed him telling I am focusing on my studies and said no but he was adamant that he'll take care of me so I gave in, guess I was also desparate for love or someone to rely on after so much shit happeing, also my original plan was to just leave my house after finding a job but I was quite young and pakistan isn't an ideal place if you think about running away but I told him about everything,

Ihad to deal with my issues,I need therapy, told him I might be a burden with my unresolved issues but he assured to be my rock, had a 5 year long relationship and married for 2 years now.

Even though I wanted to do a job before my marriage, I couldn't though because of my mother and because he was also like its okay I'll take care of you, you can do a job after getting married and honestly at this point I was desperate to get out of my house one way or another.

He claims to love me, understand and support me in all my things and did too, I felt a freedom that I should've felt at my mother's place but that freedom also came eith another kind of obligation when I said I don't think I would want to have a baby because of my issues to which he said he was ok with it but at the same time was quite careless on his part and I got pregnant and his response was if it is done we can't do anything but accept it and there I was literally panicking and had 3 full blown panic attacks,

Though I had a miscarriage in the 5th week and I am ashamed to admit that I was relieved and he was again nice, doing things, showing love but only when it's alright for him and never doing things how I want for me, or because it's not convinient for him in someway.

Also knowing all the history of trauma I went through and the hurt and the damage my mother's misogynistic mindset caused me he would still till date out of no where makes comment on how women should be more covered or how for men its different or how women are dumb in general or how its ok for someone (a random man on the street) to point out something about my dress if its not fine, or how I should be a better wife or one time he joked to his friends how his wife doesn't cook him food so came out to eat and before you come at me.

We've talked about all these things and how I think these things shouldn't be a 1 person job, if you're married, all things are done equally and how I feel a husband should protect his wife instead of teaming with anyone criticising her choices and HE AGGREES TO IT DURING THESE CONVERSATIONS and than when I would be upset about these contradicting things he would say, his response is I am too dumb to understand his tone, he was just joking around and it wasn't anything that serious for me to cry upon or make such a big issue about and he loves me and he just was joking but I have multiple times told him I don't like these kind of jokes and if I am not finding him funny for making fun of how women are just some kind of property to please all men gaze then just find better jokes

These things always triggers my anxiety soo bad because I lived through all this trauma and I don't know I feel betrayed or just something bugging me like everything is fine but not fine because he doesn't hit me, keeps me in better conditions than my mother did, provides for me, even lets me keep my 2 cats but then these comments just I feel so shitty and worthless as if , at this point I don't even know what real love feels like, I just wish I had better parents, better brothers, better everything to understand things better and then I think maybe something isn't right with me not everyone can be bad at the same time maybe I am juat ungrateful and thinks only I am right,

I just wish I had an option to end it without deeming it as haram, I am so tired honestly, life is so hard, I wish I was stronger or just never born to being with.

I want to understand something, you don't have to agree to it, if you think what I'm feeling is because of my past issues or traumas and it's just in my head and nothing actually is effecting mein any way, for context I was m\*\*\*\*\*ed by my brother at a young age right after few month of my father's d\*\*th.

I saw some affair thing of my mother after a year maybe of my fathers d\*\*th, because of which my mother used to mentally torture me and calling me w\*\*\*e infront of my brothers all the time, snatch my phone infront of them just to embarrass me and " say let check is there any boy you talking to" or kick me as hard as she could on my head while I was sleeping to see how alert I was during my sleep, so I don't get m\*\*\*\*\*ed again (which was my fault the first time btw because I shouldn't have babied or cared for my little brother after my father's death and because I babied him, he did that to me). At one point I was even with holding my hunger as a child because I wasn't sure I was allowed to ask for food.

I had a messed up childhood to sum it all up, abandoned, lonely, craving for love or genius relationship at the same time torn, and rebellious to never trust anyone now onwards and never to be dependent on anyone financially, emotionally or in any way because all people are the same, pushed alot of friends or never made friendships to a point where it could effect me emotionally,

Never been in a relationship because again I was scared,

Then someone I somewhat trusted told me he liked me to me and I first pushed him telling I am focusing on my studies and said no but he was adamant that he'll take care of me so I gave in, guess I was also desparate for love or someone to rely on after so much shit happeing, also my original plan was to just leave my house after finding a job but I was quite young and pakistan isn't an ideal place if you think about running away but I told him about everything,

Ihad to deal with my issues,I need therapy, told him I might be a burden with my unresolved issues but he assured to be my rock, had a 5 year long relationship and married for 2 years now.

Even though I wanted to do a job before my marriage, I couldn't though because of my mother and because he was also like its okay I'll take care of you, you can do a job after getting married and honestly at this point I was desperate to get out of my house one way or another.

He claims to love me, understand and support me in all my things and did too, I felt a freedom that I should've felt at my mother's place but that freedom also came eith another kind of obligation when I said I don't think I would want to have a baby because of my issues to which he said he was ok with it but at the same time was quite careless on his part and I got pregnant and his response was if it is done we can't do anything but accept it and there I was literally panicking and had 3 full blown panic attacks,

Though I had a miscarriage in the 5th week and I am ashamed to admit that I was relieved and he was again nice, doing things, showing love but only when it's alright for him and never doing things how I want for me, or because it's not convinient for him in someway.

Also knowing all the history of trauma I went through and the hurt and the damage my mother's misogynistic mindset caused me he would still till date out of no where makes comment on how women should be more covered or how for men its different or how women are dumb in general or how its ok for someone (a random man on the street) to point out something about my dress if its not fine, or how I should be a better wife or one time he joked to his friends how his wife doesn't cook him food so came out to eat and before you come at me.

We've talked about all these things and how I think these things shouldn't be a 1 person job, if you're married, all things are done equally and how I feel a husband should protect his wife instead of teaming with anyone criticising her choices and HE AGGREES TO IT DURING THESE CONVERSATIONS and than when I would be upset about these contradicting things he would say, his response is I am too dumb to understand his tone, he was just joking around and it wasn't anything that serious for me to cry upon or make such a big issue about and he loves me and he just was joking but I have multiple times told him I don't like these kind of jokes and if I am not finding him funny for making fun of how women are just some kind of property to please all men gaze then just find better jokes

These things always triggers my anxiety soo bad because I lived through all this trauma and I don't know I feel betrayed or just something bugging me like everything is fine but not fine because he doesn't hit me, keeps me in better conditions than my mother did, provides for me, even lets me keep my 2 cats but then these comments just I feel so shitty and worthless as if , at this point I don't even know what real love feels like, I just wish I had better parents, better brothers, better everything to understand things better and then I think maybe something isn't right with me not everyone can be bad at the same time maybe I am juat ungrateful and thinks only I am right,

I just wish I had an option to end my life without deeming it as haram, I am so tired honestly, life is so hard, I wish I was stronger or just never born to being with.