u/ComfortableTea6644

It’s weirdly lonely. I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse knowing that there are trans people close to people Im friends with when I dont have any trans friends. On one hand it means Im not alone and trans people aren’t actually rhat uncommon overall, but it also means that Im isolated from trans people in real life. It feels like reddit is the only place I can easily be open and active with other trans people.

It just feels a little isolating to be me on social media but to not really have anyone I can be open with as like a friend who understands what being trans is like

Im not sure why but I’ve been feeling more dysphoric recently. It’s not the cause of it but it isn’t helped by the fact that I’ve been seeing gendered thing more often in the last few days.

I always hate things that compare men and women or put them up against each other but I just feel bad every time I see them because I feel like I don’t belong with the women because of the different perspective and way they see things so I end up being closer to the men and being better with that side. And that makes me feel scared that I might not be a girl to begin with.

I’m just sick of it all. Im tired of waiting for HRT, I’m tired of being a boy, I’m tired of being sad all the time, I’m tired of having no way to feel like my gender is being affirmed. I just want to get to be a girl.

My friend sent me a video of herself in a super pretty dress and she looked so beautiful and now Im just jealous because she is so feminine but I look like a man (albeit a nerdy one, but that just means I have glasses, am not muscular and don’t have a chiselled jaw). It’s not fair that I’ll have to go through so much effort in order to get a body that probably won’t look nearly as feminine as I would have if I was born a woman. I want to have hips and boobs and no beard and to actually look nice in women’s clothes.

It’s not bad it’s just weird.

Every time. My brain immediately recognises the 5 letters and is immediately more interested and then it’s not gender. Same with egg but to a far lesser extent.

It’s been 5 months. Every time I plan on it something happens and it’s either a bad time or too late or too out of nowhere. And when it would be fine Im toi scared. He would react fine to it. I know he would. It’s just so hard to actually say it. I don’t know what to do.

The toasties were lovely. And I’m proud of myself for not making a mess like I usually do when I make them. There was custard in the fridge so I mixed some Milo in and got to have dessert.

Im glad I did something productive this weekend after a couple of days of things making me feel dysphoric (it wasn’t too bad just a number of things in a short period which made me feel a little down).

Today was… not the best.

My friend misgendered me. I was able to make a bit of a joke out of it since it was an accident but it still made me annoyed since Im literally labelled as my real name in her contacts and she misgendered me over two messages which she would have been able to look over and realise she used the wrong pronouns. A few hours earlier another friend was talking about how people in her life are gendering her right so I was already in a headspace where I was aware of the fact that no one Im out to ever genders me right.

Then tonight when I was washing my hair, I saw my hand and it was covered in so much hair. I have always liked my hair, but Im absolutely terrified anytime some comes out because I don’t want to start balding and this was maybe some of the most hair I’ve ever had fall out.

And then I just felt dysphoric. I saw my reflection and I hate how hairy I am and my face could never pass and I hate that I don’t have boobs or good enough hips.

It doesn’t help that this happened after being reminded that Im taller than almost every girl at school and having to hear people in class talking about how kids could be tricked into thinking they’re trans.

All that plus the usual doubting myself and being worried Im not trans enough is weighing heavy on me.

I’m happy for people who get to transition. But it just feels a little disheartening that some people get to start even though they are younger than me.

Luckily next time I see the GP I *MIGHT* get to discuss the possibility of HRT. But I’m not getting my hopes up since I have no clue when I will see them again and I’m not sure about logistics (I basically just know that it’s through private health or not at all until Im 18).