u/Commercial_Virus_362

Your name popped up on my screen
And I felt the tight knot on my chest unravel and it’s funny cause I didn’t even notice it was there until I felt the relief of it’s absence when I saw your name on my screen.
The space between my thumb and the button to receive your call felt like miles, no oceans! Like oceans and oceans!
You tell me about your day and I’m lost in the sound of your voice. I feel myself relaxing to the sound of it, and when you speak it’s like that’s how words were meant to exist, like they suddenly carry a whole new meaning, a higher level of significance, like the word “Hello” was born to be uttered by you!
I told my friends that I don’t even like you like that when they asked about you earlier today, told em that “it’s never that serious” even threw in a “ it’s whatever, I don’t really care” perfectly performing the nonchalance that this generation’s idea of dating requires of me.
In a perfect world, I’d be brave enough to tell them how I feel…..to tell you! I’d confess the silent prayer I whispered under my breath as i denied harbouring any feelings for you, i would bear my soft heart out to you in all its vulnerability, I’d allow the facade that is my ‘nonchalance’ to crumble and proudly declare how i feel,
id tell you that that i miss you when you’re not around, that I see you everywhere I go, in the stranger enjoying an orange because you said you like oranges that one time, Id explain that suddenly it’s like I’m seeing the world through the lens of… well you!
Perhaps in this make shift universe you would feel the same way, perhaps you’d tell me in articulate detail how i too roam freely in the chambers of your heart, perhaps then, i would allow myself the luxury of being yours,
But the world is far from perfect and i recognise these feelings for what they are, a warning! A threat to my peace of mind, i know of their potential to steal sleep and any form of joy and as such I can not allow myself such extravagant luxuries,
Instead I pacify my heart with the sweet music that is your voice, i revel in the sound of your laughter and find peace in the knowledge that we’re both lying on our backs talking to each other tonight. That I exist under the same stars you do.
For now that’s enough.

Yours (only in crossed fingered wishes)

Your name popped up on my screen
And I felt the tight knot on my chest unravel and it’s funny cause I didn’t even notice it was there until I felt the relief of it’s absence when I saw your name on my screen.
The space between my thumb and the button to receive your call felt like miles, no oceans! Like oceans and oceans!
You tell me about your day and I’m lost in the sound of your voice. I feel myself relaxing to the sound of it, and when you speak it’s like that’s how words were meant to exist, like they suddenly carry a whole new meaning, a higher level of significance, like the word “Hello” was born to be uttered by you!
I told my friends that I don’t even like you like that when they asked about you earlier today, told em that “it’s never that serious” even threw in a “ it’s whatever, I don’t really care” perfectly performing the nonchalance that this generation’s idea of dating requires of me.
In a perfect world, I’d be brave enough to tell them how I feel…..to tell you! I’d confess the silent prayer I whispered under my breath as i denied harbouring any feelings for you, i would bear my soft heart out to you in all its vulnerability, I’d allow the facade that is my ‘nonchalance’ to crumble and proudly declare how i feel,
id tell you that that i miss you when you’re not around, that I see you everywhere I go, in the stranger enjoying an orange because you said you like oranges that one time, Id explain that suddenly it’s like I’m seeing the world through the lens of… well you!
Perhaps in this make shift universe you would feel the same way, perhaps you’d tell me in articulate detail how i too roam freely in the chambers of your heart, perhaps then, i would allow myself the luxury of being yours,
But the world is far from perfect and i recognise these feelings for what they are, a warning! A threat to my peace of mind, i know of their potential to steal sleep and any form of joy and as such I can not allow myself such extravagant luxuries,
Instead I pacify my heart with the sweet music that is your voice, i revel in the sound of your laughter and find peace in the knowledge that we’re both lying on our backs talking to each other tonight. That I exist under the same stars you do.
For now that’s enough.

Yours (only in crossed fingered wishes)

I used to think I was stuck in a Jekal and Hyde situation with the alcohol where the drunk version of me was jekal an uncontrollable sinister copy of my true self
That she was the embodiment of every thing that was wrong with me, real and perceived
The procrastination the laziness the disorganization I truly believed that all these things were a direct effect of the drinking

Now however,

I’ve been sober 3 months and all the things I thought were a result of the drinking are still here
I’m sitting in my living room rn and there’s a pile of stuff I need to get done
I’m stuck in a cycle of endlessly reaching for this ideal version of my self and somehow always coming short

Now, it’s been been 91 days since I last drank and there’s no difference in my life idk

Sigh

There was never jekal and Hyde it was all me

Idk how I feel about that lol