u/Competitive-Tone9225

I’m so sorry.

I loved you so deeply. Deeper than I knew how to handle. I let you get so far inside me that I couldn’t control what it did to me. I thought I had it under control, but I didn’t.

And instead of admitting that, I acted badly. I hurt you. I treated you poorly. I don’t even know why I did it. I think I’m avoidant. But then again, I think you are too.

I don’t know why I became that lesser version of myself, trying to find some kind of sexual control when really, I just wanted you. You were my person. You literally were. And I can’t believe I let myself ruin something that meant so much to me.

I just want you. Only you. And I want to be yours. Your only.

I saw something in your eyes. I felt it between us. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am. And I wish I had just talked to you instead of acting the way I did.

I wish you had told me off. I wish we could have stripped everything back and gotten to the truth underneath it all.

The love that’s there.

I love you. I think some part of me will love you until the end. God, I’m sorry. I want to make this work. I don’t know how, but I want to try. If there’s any part of you that still wants to talk, please talk to me.

Just don’t undo me with that look you give me.

I still want you. I still want us.

Message me.

Someone asked me if I’d ever been in love. Achingly, yes.

One question and my chest broke open. Not metaphorically. It feels electric, like my ribs are trying to grab you before my mind can stop them.

I wonder if you ever feel it too. Probably not. I imagine you’re just living your life, building something beautiful with people lucky enough to have you. In a way, I am too.

But this pull. God, this pull. The hunger. My feral desire, for you. It lives somewhere beneath language and below reason. Like we’re meeting on an invisible plane where nothing ever ended, where we’re together and the world has stopped. Then I come to and remember my body is still here, still hungry for what it cannot have. Salivating, even.

Am I nothing to you now, or am I quietly everything? You’re my quiet, solid everything.

Perhaps this love-fuelled wound will never disappear. Perhaps this is just what love becomes when it has nowhere to go. I’ll fill these wounds with gold and let them catch light.

I haven’t seen you for real in ages, but I see your eyes whenever I close mine. I see your beautiful cheeks and jaw, and I swoon at the breadth of your neck. I wish I could smell you.

I want to rub my face against your chest and get lost in your body. I want to come up for air in your eyes, pause, before exhaling and swallowing you whole.

I want to grab you and press my face against your skin, lick you, kiss you, nibble you, become one, entwined in you. I want to feel your pulse meld with mine while we breathe in unison. I want to arch my back while the heavens pour through my veins and disperse into you.

I want to drip into the energy of you, lose my mind inside your gravity, consumed completely by my want for you. I want every thought to dissolve until there is nothing left but us. Breath, skin, sweat, pulse, hunger.

You.

I’ve been thinking about you. The complicated mess surrounding us has finally loosened its grip, and all that’s left is truth.

I’ve had deep, long-lasting connections with partners. But none of them compare to what my entire being feels for you. I’ve never known a love that reached every part of me so completely. My heart, my body, my mind, and the energy that streams out of me.

I suspect I’ll never see you again. But you’re there, within me. There’s nothing I can tell myself that changes that. I can’t explain it.

I am at your mercy. Please don’t reach out. I’ve realised the depth of what I feel for you is known now. And I can’t not know it. I can’t exist with this in the in-between.

I choose to honour this love rather than fight it. If I can’t share it with you, I’ll share it with life. I vow not to waste what you’ve awakened in me. I’ll pour it into every day, every person, every moment I have.

What I feel for you will always remain. If it cannot reach you, it will reach the world, and perhaps, in some way, find its way back to both of us.

I’ve been thinking about you. The complicated mess surrounding us has finally loosened its grip, and all that’s left is truth.

I’ve had deep, long-lasting connections with partners. But none of them compare to what my entire being feels for you. I’ve never known a love that reached every part of me so completely. My heart, my body, my mind, and the energy that streams out of me.

I suspect I’ll never see you again. But you’re there, within me. There’s nothing I can tell myself that changes that. I can’t explain it.

I am at your mercy. Please don’t reach out. I’ve realised the depth of what I feel for you is known now. And I can’t not know it. I can’t exist with this in the in-between.

I choose to honour this love rather than fight it. If I can’t share it with you, I’ll share it with life. I vow not to waste what you’ve awakened in me. I’ll pour it into every day, every person, every moment I have.

What I feel for you will always remain. If it cannot reach you, it will reach the world, and perhaps, in some way, find its way back to both of us.

I won’t dress it up - I miss you. Not in a polite way. In the way where something small happens during the day and you’re the first person I want to tell it to. In the way where I catch myself smiling at something you said months ago like it just happened.

I know I wasn’t always solid. I know there were moments I should have shown up differently, and I think about that more than I probably should.

I don’t have a clean ask or a perfect thing to say. I just didn’t want another week to go by with you somewhere out there living your life, and me saying nothing - like that’s somehow easier than admitting that you still take up real space in me.

You don’t have to do anything with this. I just needed you to have it. Even if in the void.

Still in your corner. Always will be

In the car today. Your hand on my leg while I drove.

Not many times. Didn’t need to be.

My nervous system just… cracked open.

I want to drive you somewhere. I want that to still be a thing that could happen.

It’s not.

Miss you.

I’ve been thinking. A lot. I miss you.

I miss the energy between us when we’re close. I miss grabbing your neck and searching your eyes just to find out where you are inside yourself.

I miss reading your tone. The difference between your game-face and your softer one that says I feel real things, like a tiny particle in this enormous universe. I knew both. I knew you. I miss knowing you.

I wish I had more photos of us. I have one. We’re both standing among strangers, smiling so wide, it’s awkward. I love it. I miss loving menial things with you.

I miss strangers commenting on our connection before we even knew how strong it was.

I wish that for every time you said “you know I’ve got you”, you meant forever.

My heart hurts.

My ego, and pride, and everything hurts. My brain hurts because it’s starving, you used to feed it with calm intellect, and sometimes with the most beautifully mundane things.

I miss my body giving out after seeing you. I miss being genuinely shocked by how hard it was to drive home. Once, I didn’t even make it, rear-ended someone on the way because my mind was so full of the thought of you that I just… drove dumb. Into someone’s car.

I miss the way you looked at me, like your eyes moved through me, past every layer, straight into the most animal part of who I am.

I miss feeling your pulse. Your breath hitting me like a system reset. Pure lust-state. No thought. Just want.

I miss wanting you so badly it made me stupid.
I miss the glow. Even after just an hour with you.

That beauty of you. God, I miss it.

I’m not sure what happened. I don’t know if I did something, or if something happened to you. I don’t know why you changed. I didn’t recognise you.

I don’t know if the version of you I fell for still exists. Or if that last version is simply who you are now. I don’t know which is worse.

I don’t know much anymore. What a trip you were.

I wish we could be together. I wish we could be an us. I wish you weren’t on my mind this much.

But what we have is solid. I don’t want to blow up our lives either, not yours, or mine. We can protect them, together. Preferably in your arms and pinned against a wall, but if distance is what you need, that’s okay. I’ve still got you, always will. If you need me, just message.

I know we don’t say it but seeing as we’re not saying much these days anyway, I love you.

Yours, even from over here.

It’s you. It’s always you.

In the quiet moments I’m not supposed to have. The 3am ones. The ones in between everything real and important and good that I’ve built and love and would never.

It’s you.

The adventures. The touch. The sweat. The locked eyes. The way I worship every essence of your being like it’s the food I’ve been searching for my entire existence.

The research into why you are the way you are as if understanding you intellectually would somehow metabolise what I feel in my body when I think about you.
It doesn’t. It never did.

You were right about me. About the throwing myself into things. I do it because the alternative is this. Just this.
Sitting completely still with how much I want you and nowhere to put it.

I want your skin on my skin. Your hands. Your breath on my neck like it’s the only thing that’s ever located my pulse.

Your everything melting into me while we find that place that was made purely for us. The one that exists nowhere else. The one that only opens when it’s you.

I want to transcend this whole complicated mess and just be two bodies and one frequency and nothing that has to be figured out or filed away.

Just you breathing into me.

Just me finally full.

I want you so much it’s beautiful. And the deepest pain. Simultaneously. Both things completely true at the same time.

I can’t live with it. I can’t live without it. I don’t know what to do with this.

And the most honest thing I can tell you is that I don’t want to move on from it either.

I’ve tried that too. It just keeps being you.

Fuck. This is torture.

And I’m ready for your greatest feast.