u/Competitive_Cold_369

I feel exploited and in a tough spot

I need some outside perspective because I'm having a hard time figuring out whether I'm being overly sensitive or if this situation has genuinely become unhealthy.

About three years ago, I was hired by a family as a nanny/house manager. They have two children, one of whom has severe medical disabilities, is nonverbal, and has significant behavioral challenges. I absolutely adore these kids and have dedicated a huge part of my life to helping care for them.

When I was first hired, the family had housekeepers who came every other week. Shortly after I started, those housekeepers were canceled, and over time many of those responsibilities became mine. My role has evolved far beyond what I was originally hired to do. At this point, I am not just a nanny and house manager. I regularly function as a housekeeper, personal assistant, chef, nurse, chauffeur, grocery shopper, organizer, pool cleaner, and even car detailer.

The job creep happened so gradually that I didn't fully realize how much my role had changed until recently.

This year, after three years of employment, the family gave me a $1 raise and told me that they would not be able to give me any additional raises after that. A few months after that they bought a brand new boat and recently a brand new car. During the same conversation, they asked me to lower my babysitting rate. They seem to think that while babysitting, it's not nearly as much work as usual. I agreed because I wanted to maintain a good relationship with them.

After I agreed to lower my rate, the babysitting requests suddenly increased and started becoming almost every weekend.

One weekend, while babysitting, the parents asked if another family's children could join. They asked what I would charge for the additional children, and I said $15. The mother responded that we would need to discuss that in person because the other family "isn't used to paying that much."

Another situation that bothered me involved the behavioral therapist who works with their son. She asked if I would occasionally babysit for her family, and I agreed. Later, when my nanny family asked me to babysit on a weekend and I declined because I was already babysitting for the therapist, the mother told me that in the future I should run outside babysitting jobs by her first so she could make sure she didn't need me that weekend.

That felt strange to me because I am not on call and these jobs take place entirely outside my working hours.

Adding to that, another employee in the home told me that the father has complained about how much of his paycheck goes toward paying me. Hearing that was incredibly hurtful, especially considering how much work I do and how much my responsibilities have expanded over the years.

The father has become one of the biggest issues for me.

He only works a couple of days a week, and one of his primary responsibilities is maintaining the pool and backyard. Yet many of those tasks end up being handed to me.

For example, one day I skimmed the pool and raked the yard because I had some extra time. After that, pool maintenance slowly became another regular expectation.

Recently, both my family and theirs were leaving town for a four-day weekend. I spent time helping them pack, loading luggage, getting everything organized, filling up everybody's water bottles loading them into the car all of the iPads headphones etc and helping them get out the door. Right before leaving, they asked if I would stop by every day while they were gone to bring in their mail and packages because they had ordered a lot of things.

I explained that I would be out of town. They continued asking, so I eventually agreed to stop by one day.

As the father was getting into the car, he told me that while I was there I could skim the pool, and said "I know you really like to get crazy with it, so if you're feeling really crazy you could go ahead and sweep Down the walls of the pool too". He then asked me to sweep the sidewalks because they planned to host a pool party when they returned.

I was honestly speechless.

Yesterday I showed up for my shift and he was being very nice to me, so I knew he was about to ask me something... He asked me to accompany him to their boat, to help guide the boat into the dock and basically make sure it doesn't get scratches on the sides. Basically become a personal assistant, which also happens often. The children were at school. I wound up not being able to get a lot of my daily tasks done because of this which would all be fine and good except when I don't get my daily tasks completed, I will be micromanaged. I consistently find quarters in hard to reach areas of the home that need dusting. On top of fan blades, under the dining table etc.

Then today something happened that really upset me.

The family was hosting another pool party. There is no clear communication, and I had no idea what was on the agenda for the day, I knew there was a pool party at some point but I didn't know what time, I knew it was the kids last day of school but nobody had told me the time. I arrived at work and was told the kids needed picked up from school in 1 hour and could I make a breakfast casserole. The pool party is starting directly after that, so there was absolutely no time to get the house in order. I spent the entire hour cooking and cleaning the kitchen and never got to complete the rest of my responsibilities because there simply wasn't enough time.

After I picked up the kids, I was asked to put sunscreen on them and supervise their son outside during the party, making sure he stayed away from the pool and helping him play on a water slide.

When everyone arrived, their son was standing off to the side watching the other kids have fun. I started engaging him in a game. I'd playfully tell him I was going to "catch him," and he'd run up the ladder, slide down, splash into the water, and run back around laughing. He was having a great time.

After a few rounds, the father suddenly snapped in front of everyone and said, "You can do it yourself, buddy. You don't need any help." He used a tone of utter annoyance.

Then he rolled his eyes at me.

All of the other parents were standing there watching.

I felt completely humiliated. What made it worse is that this isn't the first time.

There was another time when the grandparents were in town, and they were trying to have a conversation with me and I was being very polite and laughing at their joke, and the dad walked in with a hand full of fluff from the dryer vent holding it away from him like it was a dead rat and cut off what I was saying to say "the next time you do the laundry can you empty the vents" and speaking to me in a tone like he couldn't believe I would do such a thing, and like I am slow. That was also extremely humiliating.

There was another occasion when he wanted me to clock out three hours beyond my scheduled shift after I had left for the day. Clocking in and out isn't usually my responsibility, because the little boys insurance company pays me half and then the private family pays me the other half, and for some reason the father has been the one in control of clocking me in and out but he will randomly request for me to clock in and out on very random days and times. Sometimes he'll send me a text and I don't typically look at my phone a lot during the day while I'm at work, and if I miss the text I get nothing but passive aggressive tone after that. I asked for clarification because I wasn't sure I understood him correctly. He slowed his speech down dramatically, spoke to me as though I were a child, repeated himself in an extremely condescending tone, and then walked away.

Another time I came back from picking up groceries, and he greeted me by saying, "I was about to call you because I figured you must have gotten lost."

I've been picking up their groceries for three years. I also live in the same neighborhood.

It's a pattern. He frequently speaks to me as though I'm incompetent or unintelligent.

There is one other incident from early in my employment that I think may be relevant because I've often wondered if it contributed to the tension between the father and me.

When I first started working for this family, their son and I became extremely close. He was nonverbal and had significant medical needs, including a tracheostomy at the time. He often only wanted me. He loved sitting in my lap, being cuddled, and listening to me sing to him. If someone else tried to interrupt those moments, he would sometimes become upset and have behavioral outbursts.

Part of his daily routine involved trach care. Typically, he would lie on the kitchen counter while a nurse and one of his parents cleaned and maintained the trach site. My role was usually to help keep him calm by talking to him, singing to him, and distracting him during the procedure.

One day, he was especially upset and did not want to participate. He was reaching toward me, crying, and beginning to have behavioral issues.

During the procedure, the father physically restrained him. What I remember most clearly is that his hand was on his sons throat and his arm was shaking trying to hold his son down just above his trach. He held his son in this position for the entirety, about 15 minutes. The little boy was looking directly at me, crying so hard that his face became red and no sound was coming out.

I was completely shocked and froze.

At one point, the father looked at me and said, in a tone that made me deeply uncomfortable, "Sing him a song."

So I did.

I remember feeling sick to my stomach. I wanted the situation to stop, but I also felt powerless in that moment.

After my shift ended, I sat in my car and cried. What made it even harder was that when I said goodbye, the little boy smiled at me as though nothing had happened.

I seriously considered speaking to the mother about what I had witnessed. I was going to call CPS. Before I did, however, I learned that another nurse who had been present during the incident had already raised concerns and ultimately refused to return to work because of what she witnessed.

After this the parents were actually trying to get the company to allow them to reach out to her to speak to her personally and ask her to return to work, and they promised they wouldn't make things awkward, because they really needed the extra care which really just proved to me how tone deaf they were about the entire situation. The mother never even asked me what I saw or what I witnessed. I'm sure she got a watered down version of the real event, and what I witnessed was physical child abuse.

Nothing was ever directly said to me about it, but I have sometimes wondered whether the father believes I had something to do with the fallout from that incident. Looking back, it feels like there has been a noticeable tension between us ever since. I have never witnessed the father put his hands on his son ever since this incident.

My cat died the day after this, and I had to leave work early, and the father called me after drinking that night to ask me about it. He asked if that nurse had ever said anything to me about it and that he just couldn't believe that he had made someone feel that way, it was all extremely uncomfortable. He continued asking me if that nurse had ever said anything to me. From that moment on I felt so uncomfortable around him.

I don't know whether that event is connected to the way he treats me now, but it has always stood out in my mind as a significant moment in my time working for this family.

The hardest part is that I genuinely love these children. I have invested years of my life caring for them. I have gone above and beyond in ways I never imagined when I accepted this position.

But lately I feel increasingly exploited, disrespected, underpaid, and taken for granted.

​

I need some outside perspective because I'm having a hard time figuring out whether I'm being overly sensitive or if this situation has genuinely become unhealthy.

About three years ago, I was hired by a family as a nanny/house manager. They have two children, one of whom has severe medical disabilities, is nonverbal, and has significant behavioral challenges. I absolutely adore these kids and have dedicated a huge part of my life to helping care for them.

When I was first hired, the family had housekeepers who came every other week. Shortly after I started, those housekeepers were canceled, and over time many of those responsibilities became mine. My role has evolved far beyond what I was originally hired to do. At this point, I am not just a nanny and house manager. I regularly function as a housekeeper, personal assistant, chef, nurse, chauffeur, grocery shopper, organizer, pool cleaner, and even car detailer.

The job creep happened so gradually that I didn't fully realize how much my role had changed until recently.

This year, after three years of employment, the family gave me a $1 raise and told me that they would not be able to give me any additional raises after that. A few months after that they bought a brand new boat and recently a brand new car. During the same conversation, they asked me to lower my babysitting rate by $10 per hour. I agreed because I wanted to maintain a good relationship with them.

After I agreed to lower my rate, the babysitting requests suddenly increased and started becoming almost every weekend.

One weekend, while babysitting, the parents asked if another family's children could join. They asked what I would charge for the additional children, and I said $15. The mother responded that we would need to discuss that in person because the other family "isn't used to paying that much."

Another situation that bothered me involved the behavioral therapist who works with their son. She asked if I would occasionally babysit for her family, and I agreed. Later, when my nanny family asked me to babysit on a weekend and I declined because I was already babysitting for the therapist, the mother told me that in the future I should run outside babysitting jobs by her first so she could make sure she didn't need me that weekend.

That felt strange to me because I am not on call and these jobs take place entirely outside my working hours.

Adding to that, another employee in the home told me that the father has complained about how much of his paycheck goes toward paying me. Hearing that was incredibly hurtful, especially considering how much work I do and how much my responsibilities have expanded over the years.

The father has become one of the biggest issues for me.

He only works a couple of days a week, and one of his primary responsibilities is maintaining the pool and backyard. Yet many of those tasks end up being handed to me.

For example, one day I skimmed the pool because I had some extra time. After that, pool maintenance slowly became another regular expectation.

Recently, both my family and theirs were leaving town for a four-day weekend. I spent time helping them pack, loading luggage, getting everything organized, and helping them get out the door. Right before leaving, they asked if I would stop by every day while they were gone to bring in their mail and packages because they had ordered a lot of things.

I explained that I would be out of town. They continued asking, so I eventually agreed to stop by one day.

As the father was getting into the car, he told me that while I was there I could skim the pool, and if I was "really feeling in the mood," I could brush the pool walls too. He then asked me to sweep the sidewalks because they planned to host a pool party when they returned.

I was honestly speechless.

Yesterday I showed up for my shift and he was being very nice to me, so I knew he was about to ask me something... He asked me to accompany him to their boat, to help guide the boat into the dock and basically make sure it doesn't get scratches on the sides. Basically become a personal assistant. The children were at school. I wound up not being able to get a lot of my daily tasks done because of this which would all be fine and good except when I don't get my daily tasks completed, I will be micromanaged. I consistently find quarters in hard to reach areas of the home that need dusting. On top of fan blades, under the dining table etc.

Then today something happened that really upset me.

The family was hosting another pool party. I arrived at work and discovered nobody was home. I immediately started cleaning the house, only to learn that I needed to leave shortly afterward to pick up the kids from their last day of school.

I had an hour before pickup and was then asked to make a breakfast casserole for the party. I spent the entire hour cooking and cleaning the kitchen and never got to complete the rest of my responsibilities because there simply wasn't enough time.

After I picked up the kids, I was asked to put sunscreen on them and supervise their son outside during the party, making sure he stayed away from the pool and helping him play on a water slide.

When everyone arrived, their son was standing off to the side watching the other kids have fun. I started engaging him in a game. I'd playfully tell him I was going to "catch him," and he'd run up the ladder, slide down, splash into the water, and run back around laughing. He was having a great time.

After a few rounds, the father suddenly snapped in front of everyone and said, "You can do it yourself, buddy. You don't need any help."

Then he rolled his eyes at me.

All of the other parents were standing there watching.

I felt completely humiliated.

What made it worse is that this isn't the first time.

There was another occasion when he wanted me to clock out hree hours beyond my scheduled shift. Clocking in and out isn't usually my responsibility, because the little boys insurance company pays me half and then the private family pays me the other half, and for some reason the father has been the one in control of clocking me in and out but he will randomly request for me to clock in and out. Sometimes he'll send me a text and I don't typically look at my phone a lot during the day while I'm at work, and if I miss the text I get nothing but passive aggressive tone after that. I asked for clarification because I wasn't sure I understood him correctly. He slowed his speech down dramatically, spoke to me as though I were a child, repeated himself in an extremely condescending tone, and then walked away.

Another time I came back from picking up groceries, and he greeted me by saying, "I was about to call you because I figured you must have gotten lost."

I've been picking up their groceries for three years. I also live in the same neighborhood.

It's a pattern. He frequently speaks to me as though I'm incompetent or unintelligent.

The hardest part is that I genuinely love these children. I have invested years of my life caring for them. I have gone above and beyond in ways I never imagined when I accepted this position.

But lately I feel increasingly exploited, disrespected, underpaid, and taken for granted.