u/ConcernMany9969

My FA ex of 4 years (M27) reached out to me (F29) after 25 days of break up and 1 week of NC:

Him: “Hey, is everything alright?”

Me: “Hey, I’m well, hope you too”

Him: “You said you wanted to talk before you leave on holiday?”

Me: “No worries, all good”

Him: “I’m here”

(10 mins later)

Him: “I would also be happy to hear your voice”

Me: “I would be too, but with the way things are, I’m trying to heal”

Him: “I understand, I respect that”

It’s hard to resist the dopamine withdrawal and I do want him to come back. He left because he was too overwhelmed with our conflict cycles and didn’t have the energy to want to fix our problems.

It’s so hard to know what to do with them, especially when you want them back but you also want to protect yourself …

My FA ex of 4 years (M27) reached out to me (F29) after 25 days of break up and 1 week of NC:

Him: “Hey, is everything alright?”

Me: “Hey, I’m well, hope you too”

Him: “You said you wanted to talk before you leave on holiday?”

Me: “No worries, all good”

Him: “I’m here”

(10 mins later)

Him: “I would also be happy to hear your voice”

Me: “I would be too, but with the way things are, I’m trying to heal”

Him: “I understand, I respect that”

It’s hard to resist the dopamine withdrawal and I do want him to come back. He left because he was too overwhelmed with our conflict cycles and didn’t have the energy to want to fix our problems.

It’s so hard to know what to do with them, especially when you want them back but you also want to protect yourself …

Hi everyone,

My FA ex (M27) of 4 years broke up with me F(29) 3 weeks ago because he said he was too burnt out from the relationship and no longer saw our relationship having a future, and did not want to invest in it anymore... the reasons being that I did not validate his feelings enough during the relationship.

In hindsight, I am now realising that he is right, I shut down communication with him whenever he expressed doubts, rather than trying to understand him, I was too defensive in arguments, and explosive at times when triggered.

I was quite anxious during the relationship and I feel I sabotaged it. I now have a lot more clarity on my role in this break down.

Now it's too late, he wrote to me yesterday: "Even though we share the same vision about the future, it is not worth to live it in pain, and unfortunately I don’t have the energy to work more on this relationship, there is not enough signs that it is good for us, at least for me." We talked on the phone today for 1 hour and a half where I expressed my regret and he listened to me, discussed with me... but ultimately said he thinks he made the right decision. He did mention also that he had once gotten back with an ex and then experienced a different dynamic with that person - which of course gives me hope.

He wants to now experience new things and move on and he is already moved out of our shared apartment. But I deeply value him and want him back...

He told me I could still call him if there is anything that he could help me with, and we are still following each other on socials. We have shared friends, and his family members reach out to me too to share their love and support.

I feel immense regret. I don't want to have lost him forever. What can I do?

Hi everyone,

I’m struggling to process the end of a 4-year relationship with my partner whom I suspect has traits of BPD (M27) with whom I (F29) lived with for 2 years. I feel like I am going insane. This was a person with a history of addiction to food, cigarettes, weed and online dating which stopped by the time our relationship started because he was so scared to lose me.

Beginning

• He had severe abandonment anxiety to the point that he could not sleep without me, was constantly texting etc.. He idealised me in a very intense way and needed constant reassurance. I became his “safe person” emotionally.

He told me he loved me the night before I left for a 3 week trip.

• He started to have medical fixations like noticing a white spot on his tongue and rushing to the emergency room, believing that he is seeing "snow vision" and losing his sight, every small thing made him believe he had cancer... he terrorised his GP and therapist for reassurance.

Over time though, it started turning into something much more complicated. I lost my job, moved in with his mother. And then:

10 Month Mark

• Stopped initiating activities together.
• Anger over seemingly small things, emotional withdrawal, fault-finding.

At some point it felt like his fear of abandonment slowly became fear of engulfment.

And then my own nervous system started collapsing too. I became hypervigilant, terrified of rejection, constantly trying to regulate the relationship emotionally, constantly trying to “get us back” to the closeness we once had.

The saddest part is that he himself used to say:
“I’m scared my fears are going to ruin this relationship.”

2 Years

• Just before moving in, he started to exclude me entirely from social activities with his friends, "needing space". He was only angry, tired and depressed around me but showed his "light" and laughter to others.
• One week before moving in, he told me was too overwhelmed and wouldn't do it, that he needed a break. I picked up the keys to our apartment alone, shattered. He eventually changed his mind.

3-4 Years

• Living together only exasperated the push-pull cycles where he would withdraw, be angry (losing at chess would make him break furniture or he would punch his car, throw his laptop across the room, and even, hit himself and verbally be abusive to himself). He was never physically abusive with me. Then he would come back and we would have moments of intense reconnection, living euphoria, thinking about our wedding and future etc.
• Splitting: During our arguments, he would be convinced that I am lying, that I am manipulative and a narcissist like his father. It would happen so so suddenly and then he'd be filled with guilt afterwards.
• Sex became less frequent. He would mostly be disassociated, too fatigued to have initiate sex. If we did have sex, it would be mostly via my initiation and "hard" sex.
• He stopped looking into my eyes.

End (1 month ago)

• months ago, he said he was thinking of breaking up with me because he was unhappy in the relationship, that he couldn't ever remember a time that he was happy.
• He blamed me mostly for not validating his feelings sufficiently:
• He blamed me also for my "over-reactions" when I would be utterly triggered by his disregard towards me.
• He spent one month building a narrative that I had convinced him that the problem was his trauma and that he "realised" that actually the problem was incompatibility with me. That I made him feel inferior.
• We went to our first couples appointment where he decided he wanted to break up with me. I genuinely believed that with awareness and couples therapy, we could’ve worked through a lot of it. I begged him to stay a few months and have a couple sessions but he said he wants to stop right there.
• He started to only see people who didn't really know me and who could "justify" his narrative that he should be single, that he is too young for this.
• His favourite person (FP) shifted from me to his sister, with whom now he is speaking on the phone every day for hours for reassurance that I would usually spend hours giving him.

While he used to never be online to answer texts, even to his friends (too overwhelming), he’s now always online, likely trying to evade loneliness.

Post-Break Up (Now)

• He started to cry while packing things in the apartment saying that weirdly he didn't feel like leaving that moment, that he will miss me so much, that he loves me a lot, that he doesn't know if he will be back begging in a month, but that he had to make a decision and see how he feels about it to gain clarity.
• His family and friends reached out to me for support, saying they love me and are incredibly sad.

Now the breakup feels incredibly brutal because after years together, he seems to have detached extremely fast and is already seeking validation from other women online. Meanwhile I feel like I’m grieving not just a person, but an entire imagined future and version of myself.

Obviously, a part of me is terribly attached and I want to reconcile. But I feel like he will never "gain clarity" and that he will always justify his narrative...?

How does one stop obsessively trying to understand them after the relationship ends? How does one "move on"? I am so so lost and I really would appreciate your insights.

After four years of a relationship with my FA ex (M27) with whom I (F29) lived with for 2 years, he broke up with me after weeks of fault-finding and deactivation. We were just about to start couples therapy which he had scheduled months ago, because he really wanted our relationship to work. We had a few arguments between January - March that then made him come to the first sessions with the mindset of breaking up. I’m shattered. I desperately believed that the therapist could’ve helped us get through our conflict dynamics and the resentment wall he built between us. It’s been three weeks since the break up, 2 weeks since I last saw him and now he texted me asking if we can meet up this week to discuss sorting through our shared furniture. I took a day to reply and he double texted with a “?” I proposed him end of the week and he replied “Sure!”. For context, all his family and friends love me but he’s been only seeing people that justify his narrative that we’re not compatible and he’s too young for this. To go from thinking of buying a house together to no contact has been so hard.

Just before he left, he told me he loved me and would miss me so much but that he really needed to be alone and have space. He said he didn’t know if this is 100% the right decision and if he’d be coming back begging a month.

How do I navigate the meeting this week? I really do want him back.