u/Conscious_Couple5959

I’ve (34F) been diagnosed with autism at 3 years old and it has affected the way I act, think, feel and spend my money especially on items I feel like they’re necessary like self care and such.

Everyone from my family and my program would try to help me however it feels like they’re threatening me with a conservatorship which I should have been put on because I’m not good with money though I check my bank account time and time again.

I feel sorry for Britney Spears because she didn’t need one in the first place even when her mental health was in the trenches after giving birth to 2 sons only to be used against her by her greedy ex husband and family especially her alcoholic dad.

Good thing is I’m getting a SNAP card for food so I can manage money better.

As someone with autism since preschool, mine is mindful, listen, pay attention and anything related to that due to people around me getting frustrated with my poor attention span rightfully so.

When I make a mistake, I ruminate due to being yelled at for being a clumsy bitch, my older sister is seemingly frustrated with me over little things such as chores around the house and basic things.

I don’t trust my family with my problems because they believe I make excuses when it has affected the way I think, feel and learn every day.

I refuse to forgive myself for being autistic because I don’t look disabled enough, I often feel like I was born a mistake by my parents who were 20 somethings falling foolishly in love that they got married and started a family only to split up in their 30’s.

I have nothing against disabled people, just myself.

1. As an overweight person, I have a fear of eating in front of my family because they would either eat off of my plate or tell me it’s bad for my health, I know they care about me but I don’t do the same thing to them because it’s not only hurtful but hypocritical.

2. I try to let others have a serving of the food they make so I won’t come off as greedy. I also work out so I’ll feel worthy of the food I eat and I refuse to miss a day when it comes to Peloton.

3. Fruits, vegetables and anything that’s deemed healthy is fine but carbs and anything rich and delicious give me anxiety when I enjoy them because diabetes run in my family and since both of my parents died of a heart attack, I often feel guilty for enjoying food because I might be diagnosed with diabetes myself and that makes it worse.

4. Even when I’m alone I feel like I might get verbally attacked by those around me. When I’m done I clean up around the kitchen including running the dishwasher when it’s full though I didn’t last night (we were out all day long with a TB shot for a day program I’m starting for employment and hiking).

5. I don’t trust compliments from my own family because they’re only doing it to feel sorry for me for hurting my feelings as a child especially during Y2K.

The time has come and gone but the damage is done, it’s too late to tell me I’m beautiful.