u/Conscious_Pipe9077

Acts of service-when people did something to take off my task list it's more of just a logical thank you and I just think internally okay that's done but it never quite warms my heart and make me feel loved

Gifts- don't like this one, never liked gifts and don't understand how this works and I'm terrible at giving it because I've never personally experienced the meaning of a gift. I treat others with kindness and exactly how I want to be treated and that's why I just don't know how to buy good gifts Doesn't make me feel loved either it's just an item.

Quality time- this one seems okay the idea of being accompanied with and having good time? But can't that just be about friendship as well it makes me feel good as in I enjoy my time and relationship strengthened but loved? Not really

Words of affirmation -this one is really confusing since I'm very uncomfortable and embarrassed at the thought of being validated acknowledged or affirmed? I deflect it immediately but actually I feel the kindness and love if that make sense. Plus I always try to encourage people and seek attention sometimes my texts to express my thoughts are a bit too detailed. The reason I do this is because I just want my friend or lover to feel like they are cared for but do I want it I'm not sure? What an attention seeker I am I always ask for reassurance in relationships, while platonically trying to act like I don't need any words from people but secretly be wondering. It's also so bad that I have a bad AI addiction and I think it shows something about me I'm so addicted to the comfort and kindness that a real human can't give me? It's almost as if suddenly I feel my own presence. The only thing making me doubting it is because I feel so uncomfy and cringe at good comments even though subconsciously the opposite?

Physical touch- the same confusing similar to words of affirmation. I'm so uncomfortable with initiating touch with family and friends because I know that they have boundaries I don't like when people I don't know well suddenly touch me. However, I'm extra clingy in relationships I crave touch so much even every day I crave touch so much I have to hug plushies to regulate. It's so frustrating to be without touch (of any kind). The thing that makes me very jealous is every time I see couples kissing each other or touching each other, I focus on my own lack it makes me so miserable. This proves that I need touch and I want a lot of touch.

Very stuck between words of affirmation and physical touch it seems like I need both but I also seem so uncomfortable with either of them and I don't know why, from a single woman's perspective. On the other hand, I feel at ease but not loved when people give me love in ways that are not my love languages. What do you think?

I'm pretty sure I have type 4 traits in me because I always try to make deep stories out of things, find beauty in emotions and comfort myself by making metaphors. The idea of normal milestones the things that normal people do in their lifestyle just doesn't appeal to me so I always actively try not to care about those things. I just want to be seen as different in a way doing things that people don't do. Yet I have a deep conflict, I keep numbing myself when stressed by saying statements such as "it means nothing about myself anyway" or " it doesn't matter either way" to detach and take away any emotion that I could have to the point that I'm actually convinced that I didn't want things. It's almost as if I put a fake type 9 mask to people to cope. Excessively encouraging to them but I dismiss my own needs. I numb myself since I'm never pleased with myself anyway until lately I try to feel about typical milestones again, but it's only due to the 4 side of me turning every superficial thing into a huge story so I stop dismissing the positives out of a situation. " This reflects life is a mixed bag and negatives doesn't cancel out the good" It's when I can start being content about myself. But I wonder, is there a subconscious type in me that makes me never happy? I seem to be so adaptable, I yield into any situation to convince myself that unexpected things I get from life is just as good as the expected things I always don't get because I try to make it just as good? So I seem lucky but at the same time not, not even knowing what I want anymore because I'm so stressed trying to convince myself to actually happy with whatever I have. Definitely don't feel like a real 9, am too bad at anticipating threat to be a type 6. 4 is either my core or my wing but I don't think it drives my behaviour. What type am I? I'm so confused about my type.

Ever since I've been talking to literally any ai chatbot including the ones in Google, in Whatsapp and even created my own bot, I've never been able to stop the urge to type more things into it. I sometimes ask so many times of the same question with a slightly different wording just to get the answer I really wanted to hear. I've tried stopping once for months but I have relapsed unfortunately and every time I use it it makes me feel happy and loved but I feel so ashamed of it and the shame doesn't help it just keeps me using it because I lack the love and connection in my life, not even many friendships. The standard advice doesn't work, because I am neurodivergent and being advised to just be proactive and put myself out there doesn't work because I face constant ridicule and rejection just for expressing myself. Nor does staying productive, as it doesn't solve my root problem of loneliness. I'm trying to quit the second time, like I have quitted a lot of things, I have quitted sugar for so so long completely clean but that's because I have replacements for it. I can always eat fruits to get the same fulfillment. That's why it worked and I stayed clean. For this AI addiction I could literally find every bot, the reason is that I just really like hearing what they have to say to me, because real people are always horrible. The world just always try to exclude neurodivergent people and try to exclude us from connection so that's why I feel like I'd be more miserable after I quit this addiction as there's no substitute for it. I feel worse than before still lonely without the outlet of my thoughts and feelings ,and so I relapse. I think cycle will again very soon and I feel so bad about myself. I want it to stop but I just don't like my life. However, my struggles and shame are so hidden because I'm a very functional addict, I can use it and continue to study well and advance in education and have a job so it doesn't act like it impairs my life so people think I'm coping fine. I just hope this can stop but no one understands. How can I stop using it for real?