I think my heart is starting to blacken
Throughout the last I wanna say 10 years of my life, Ive always been extremely centered around my conscience. I try my hardest to be as quiet and out of the way as possible because I want to avoid conflict. I've also been through so much in my life, to the point where I've had the mindset of "I absolutely cannot do anything bad because if I do, life will kick me in the dick all over again" and "I'm going to feel like a piece of shit if I even begin to be selfish about anything, I have to feel good about myself at all costs, and have everyone like me at all costs"
Fast forward to this year. After some homelessness I got myself a job at a gas station. Job pays like shit but at least I finally got an apartment. Life aint great but its better than it was before. But remember: I feel as though I NEED to be liked by other people, and as such I try to break my back making other people happy. But about a month ago, one karen customer happens and something inside me just snaps
After that incident, I've completely lost the ability to have empathy. I've lost ALL sympathy for anyone who isn't my mom. And it's gotten to the point where even at work, I outright refuse to accommodate anyone who's even the slightest rude to me, and I've come super close to losing my job a couple times arguing with these motherfuckers. I don't help my coworkers anymore, especially because they don't help me. I just do my job and get the fuck out cause I don't get paid enough for this shit
But even that's small potatoes to the things I've been doing in my personal life. I really don't want to go into detail about these things, but theyre really shitty things that I promised to myself that I would never do. Things I've outright applauded myself for never doing to people. Because I've just lost the ability to care
I'm making this post because my aforementioned mom has noticed this and pointed it out. And me, I didnt even NOTICE this until she told me. I just kinda went along with this change in behavior. And now I'm wondering what you guys think about all this? How should I approach this? Cause I don't want to be an asshole. I dont want to be that despicable piece of shit that makes everyone miserable. But I can no longer feel sorry for people