u/Consistent_Purple686

Reposting as it was removed last time (posted on Friday)
Long post, first time poster.
I am a 31F, Married 1.5 yrs (dated for a year, met on matrimonial platform). I am a well educated, well earning woman (IIT grad), same for My spouse. I hadn’t dated ever before meeting him.
We have an intense relationship which keeps going from too lovey-dovey to absolute hatred. We had some bad arguments even before the marriage, he has a very aggressive nature and can’t control what he says in the anger. We broke up during dating on his arguments like woman have to leave job for child care, girl child don’t get your business or property), he always later said that I misunderstood, he isn’t as modern but he is trying to learn. He is very nice and does actually help around the house, very affectionate and takes care of me. He knows his anger is a problem, has agreed for therapy but doesn’t really believe in it and doesn’t actually go. We live in metro city, away from his family. He comes from a small village where patriarchy is rampant (doesn’t touch feet of Nana Nani kind), his parents are sweet and nice but somehow my conversation with her mom is only about kitchen and food (her world view is limited to women doing this).

I am highly sensitive, can’t take the absolute disrespect during anger. I also tend to shut down or lash out when it gets out of control (he keeps lashing). I have tried therapy and still finding a therapist well suited to me. Our fights are known to our family (3-4 times almost ended it).We had decided to separate a few months back (his taking my phone away during a fight, letting me cry&sulk on my birthday), told family but then decided to give it another chance.

This Saturday, we had a fight - he very calmly said I don’t gel well with his family. I was okay and asked why he doesn’t talk to them when at home so I can also get involved. But somehow it came to “Jawai and Bahu are not equal” and that his mom has to pay penalty for this (not sure how). Now I am a practical person, but I don’t believe that men should use this to put pressure on wives to do everything for their family while they don’t discomfort themselves. I have good relationship with his mom, but he said “I was the worst thing that happened to his mom” and “he will never have kids with me if I believe in this equality”. 1 hr later, he was sorry about shouting but not about what he said. I was very hurt and cried for 2 days. When we talked, he feigned amnesia on “worst thing sentence” and said if I said that sorry. Not even acknowledgement of how hurt can someone be with this. Kid thing, he stuck to. He is a mom worshipper - while he can stand up to her if he feels anything wrong is happening, he believes she is very emotional and seedhi (somewhat true) and doesn’t want her to suffer.

On equality topic, he kept saying my in-laws place I will own, he won’t own my house. We can’t go equal times (understand for festivals, but why can’t we otherwise go to my home as well ), he can’t speak to them as much (lol, what even is this reason). He doesn’t have good relationship with my family, more because they know about his anger episodes.

I have told him I want to leave this relationship. Qe have decided to separate but I wanted to talk my heart out once which can’t happen because all communication is stopped now.

Important to add that I am also unable to regulate my emotions well. Have lashed out at him when it happens, to extreme case in one event throwing food at him, because he won’t stop saying bad things or leave from the place. He did the same to me, because wanted to prove he won’t take shit.
This was bad, I am learning, but I am nowhere perfect..

Want to hear from women if anyone has come out of it or should leave him for good?
I know it is difficult to work this out, but keep wondering if anger in men isn’t very common in the society we live in.
I am attached, in love and know he has potential. My family will support me, they realise this is a toxic situation. Both our families are nice sweet people, and we are hurting them constantly. I know he isn’t a bad person, but it’s about no respect when angry - no empathy or acknowledgement even later - severe mismatch in values.
Very stressed and losing sleep and ability to work/focus because of this. there any way this can get better? Mostly advice on immediate next steps, what is the best way of separate so that I can move forward in life, he is the only man I have ever been with. Our families have spoken that we are separating, want to do this well to avoid regret in future.

TLDR : Recently married, modern woman. Spouse has bad anger episodes, says disrespectful things and doesn’t acknowledge the hurt. He is otherwise very affectionate, caring, and helps me out in everything I want to do. Recently fought about equality- could have had a sensible discussion but it turned into a shouting match and I want advice on what to do now?

Long post, first time poster.
I am a 31F, Married 1.5 yrs (dated for a year, met on matrimonial platform). I am a well educated, well earning woman (IIT grad), same for My spouse. I hadn’t dated ever before meeting him.
We have an intense relationship which keeps going from too lovey-dovey to absolute hatred. We had some bad arguments even before the marriage, he has a very aggressive nature and can’t control what he says in the anger. We broke up during dating on his arguments like woman have to leave job for child care, girl child don’t get your business or property), he always later said that I misunderstood, he isn’t as modern but he is trying to learn. He is very nice and does actually help around the house, very affectionate and takes care of me. He knows his anger is a problem, has agreed for therapy but doesn’t really believe in it and doesn’t actually go. We live in metro city, away from his family. He comes from a small village where patriarchy is rampant (doesn’t touch feet of Nana Nani kind), his parents are sweet and nice but somehow my conversation with her mom is only about kitchen and food (not her fault, she believes it is my duty).

I am highly sensitive, can’t take the absolute disrespect during anger. I also tend to shut down or lash out when it gets out of control (he keeps lashing). I have tried therapy and still finding a therapist well suited to me. Our fights are known to our family (3-4 times almost ended it).We had decided to separate a few months back (his taking my phone away during a fight, letting me cry&sulk on my birthday), told family but then decided to give it another chance.

This Saturday, we had a fight - he very calmly said I don’t gel well with his family. I was okay and asked why he doesn’t talk to them when at home so I can also get involved. But somehow it came to “Jawai and Bahu are not equal” and that his mom has to pay penalty for this (not sure how). Now I am a practical person, but I don’t believe that men should use this to put pressure on wives to do everything for their family while they don’t discomfort themselves. I have good relationship with his mom, but he said “I was the worst thing that happened to his mom” and “he will never have kids with me if I believe in this equality”. 1 hr later, he was sorry about shouting but not about what he said. I was very hurt and cried for 2 days. When we talked, he feigned amnesia on “worst thing sentence” and said if I said that sorry. Not even acknowledgement of how hurt can someone be with this. Kid thing, he stuck to. He is a mom worshipper - while he can stand up to her if he feels anything wrong is happening, he believes she is very emotional and seedhi (somewhat true) and doesn’t want her to suffer.

On equality topic, he kept saying my in-laws place I will own, he won’t own my house. We can’t go equal times (understand for festivals, but why can’t we otherwise fo to my home as well ), he can’t speak to them as much (lol, what even is this reason). He doesn’t have good relationship with my family, more because they know about his anger episodes. I have told him I want to leave this relationship. I am giving myself time to think through properly but we don’t speak now. Adding that I am also learning to regulate my emotions better. Have lashed out at him when it happens, to extreme case in one event throwing food at him, because he won’t stop saying bad things or leave from the place. He did the same to me, because wanted to prove he won’t take shit.
This was bad, I am learning, but I am nowhere perfect..

Want advice on what should I do now? I am attached, in love and know he has potential. My family will support me, they realise this is a toxic situation. Both our families are nice sweet people, and we are hurting them constantly. I know he isn’t a bad person, but it’s about no respect when angry - no empathy or acknowledgement even later - severe mismatch in values. Am I asking for a lot? Will he change if I stay? Should I leave and live alone, but not shrink myself?

TLDR : Recently married, modern woman. Spouse has bad anger episodes, says disrespectful things and doesn’t acknowledge the hurt. Recently fought about equality- could have had a sensible discussion but it turned into a shouting match and I want advice on what to do now?

Long post, first time poster.
I am a 31F, Married 1.5 yrs (dated for a year, met on matrimonial platform). I am a well educated, well earning woman (IIT grad), same for My spouse. I hadn’t dated ever before meeting him.
We have an intense relationship which keeps going from too lovey-dovey to absolute hatred. We had some bad arguments even before the marriage, he has a very aggressive nature and can’t control what he says in the anger. We broke up during dating on his arguments like woman have to leave job for child care, girl child don’t get your business or property), he always later said that I misunderstood, he isn’t as modern but he is trying to learn. He is very nice and does actually help around the house, very affectionate and takes care of me. He knows his anger is a problem, has agreed for therapy but doesn’t really believe in it and doesn’t actually go. We live in metro city, away from his family. He comes from a small village where patriarchy is rampant (doesn’t touch feet of Nana Nani kind), his parents are sweet and nice but somehow my conversation with her mom is only about kitchen and food (not her fault, she believes it is my duty).

I am highly sensitive, can’t take the absolute disrespect during anger. I also tend to shut down or lash out when it gets out of control (he keeps lashing). I have tried therapy and still finding a therapist well suited to me. Our fights are known to our family (3-4 times almost ended it).We had decided to separate a few months back (his taking my phone away during a fight, letting me cry&sulk on my birthday), told family but then decided to give it another chance.

This Saturday, we had a fight - he very calmly said I don’t gel well with his family. I was okay and asked why he doesn’t talk to them when at home so I can also get involved. But somehow it came to “Jawai and Bahu are not equal” and that his mom has to pay penalty for this (not sure how). Now I am a practical person, but I don’t believe that men should use this to put pressure on wives to do everything for their family while they don’t discomfort themselves. I have good relationship with his mom, but he said “I was the worst thing that happened to his mom” and “he will never have kids with me if I believe in this equality”. 1 hr later, he was sorry about shouting but not about what he said. I was very hurt and cried for 2 days. When we talked, he feigned amnesia on “worst thing sentence” and said if I said that sorry. Not even acknowledgement of how hurt can someone be with this. Kid thing, he stuck to. He is a mom worshipper - while he can stand up to her if he feels anything wrong is happening, he believes she is very emotional and seedhi (somewhat true) and doesn’t want her to suffer.

On equality topic, he kept saying my in-laws place I will own, he won’t own my house. We can’t go equal times (understand for festivals, but why can’t we otherwise fo to my home as well ), he can’t speak to them as much (lol, what even is this reason). He doesn’t have good relationship with my family, more because they know about his anger episodes. I have told him I want to leave this relationship. I am giving myself time to think through properly but we don’t speak now.

Want advice on what should I do now? I am attached, in love and know he has potential. My family will support me, they realise this is a toxic situation. Both our families are nice sweet people, and we are hurting them constantly. I know he isn’t a bad person, but it’s about no respect when angry - no empathy or acknowledgement even later - severe mismatch in values. Am I asking for a lot? Will he change if I stay? Should I leave and live alone, but not shrink myself?

TLDR : Recently married, modern woman. Spouse has bad anger episodes, says disrespectful things and doesn’t acknowledge the hurt. Recently fought about equality- could have had a sensible discussion but it turned into a shouting match and I want advice on what to do now?