Contracted HIV in October, undetectable by May struggling with the mental side, disclosure, and intimacy
I contracted HIV in October. Diagnosed in March My starting viral load was around 1,690 copies/mL. By May, I was undetectable, and my CD4 count has increased, which I know is a good sign that treatment is working.
Medically, I’m doing well. Mentally, I’m having a much harder time.
I understand U=U. I understand the science and that maintaining an undetectable viral load means I don’t sexually transmit HIV. But knowing that intellectually and actually believing it emotionally have been two completely different things for me.
Since all of this happened, I haven’t really been able to be intimate with anyone. I’ve had opportunities, but when it comes down to actually being with someone, the anxiety, guilt, and thoughts about disclosure take over. It’s like there’s a mental barrier I haven’t been able to get past.
Even knowing I’m undetectable and could practice safer sex, I still feel guilty about the idea of not disclosing. Part of me feels like I’d be doing something wrong, even though I understand that scientifically I’m not putting someone at risk of HIV transmission while undetectable.
I miss being able to experience intimacy without all of this running through my head.
I’d really like to hear from people who’ve been through this:
How long did it take you to actually trust U=U emotionally, rather than just understand it intellectually?
What helped you mentally after your diagnosis?
How did you get past that first mental barrier and become intimate with someone again?
And how do you personally approach disclosure when you’re undetectable, especially with casual sex/hookups versus someone you’re seriously dating?
I’m doing well medically, and I’m grateful for that. I just want to get to a point where HIV is something I manage rather than something that controls my intimacy, relationships, and how I see myself.