just had to cancel my hrt appt
well guys… fear won. between having my mom react how she did (horribly, telling me she’d rather see me mutilated, i’ll never be pretty or find a job etc etc) which i know most of that isn’t true, and what the gov just came out and said yesterday about trans people… i’m scared. so i canceled the appt i had set in november and i don’t know if i will make another one, at least not during this presidency. i feel like a zombie today, and i haven’t felt like this in awhile and i really hate it.
i wish things could be different.
i guess in slightly better news i should be starting therapy soon with a LGBTQ+ friendly and ally therapist (literally uses they/them pronouns as do i) and i think that will at least help me and give me some clarity and help me feel better a bit too hopefully.
but other than that it seems like the only thing i can do is feel to fem to be masc and to masc to be fem, and maybe socially transition some more..? hell even that seems risky now especially with me living in texas. it feels like the only safe thing i can do is get rid of body hair and dress more feminine and it’s crushing. i don’t even really feel like i relate to the name i had chosen for myself anymore (bri/brielle). I think part of this too though is that after some more self discovery i might be more non binary and want to be able to either appear as masc or fem depending on what i do please to do…. but that would be a lot easier with hormones too as i present very masc now not by choice.
i’m sorry this is a long and messy post, i just have way too much going on in my head and it feels like the only thing i can do is sit and stare and try to cry, get close, but not close enough to even have the relief from crying, just straight up zombie mode. I wish this was a hopeful and happy post, and hopefully i will have something positive to share on here again at some point…
thank you all for reading/listening if you did. i truly hope you are all okay and safe and i wish you nothing but love and peace