u/Convirgin

I don't even know what to say, I just have been sad in the past few days, and I don't know why completely. I feel like incompetent and not complacent with myself. Part of me has had this huge disappointment in myself, I feel like a fake ace because I'm gray/demi, I don't know how to explain it, part of knowing that makes me feel like people judge me more in my personal life because my relationship with sex and sexual ideas are both appalled and neutral depending on specific situations from my past.

I guess that I just have this odd dysphoric feeling that I'm inadequate and that I'm not enough. I feel so weird knowing that I could be fine with occasional sexual interactions FAR from now. I know that sexual attraction is what defines it, but I can't help but feel like less, and I'm embarrassed saying this. I have this big problem with the idea that I know I don't want to be in a relationship with an allo, and an allo most likely wouldn't want to be in one with me, which I understand, but I also can't see myself being with someone completely sex-repulsed just because I want kids down the line. And I never want to make a sex repulsed person have sex that's a big nono in my book.

So really I feel limited to a limited group of this limited community for potential future partners. It's really hard being a monogamous alloromantic ace, but at this point I feel fake, and I can't even pinpoint exactly why, maybe I'm just going through a patch of self-degration, but I just want real life asexual friends to talk to, because I feel so alienated even from friends I've known for well over a decade, just because I feel irregular. I also live in a pretty conservative place and I've checked online and the only "event" in my town is limited to 18 people on Facebook who fit into lgbtqia+ and they all seemed much older than me so it felt awkward to try joining so I didn't, and I really don't want to

I just want to feel like I actually belong, I don't know where, and I don't know who I want to be with me, but I want to feel actually listened to, not just heard at face value.

I recently was watching a random YT video which this girl casually just started talking about how she commonly cheats on her boyfriend, and her boyfriend was there? She also mentioned she wasn't poly just "got nervous without a backup". When I saw that I was just a little shocked hearing about someone caring so much about having a backup for sex (they clarified that's what the backup was for).

After that I discovered that there is like a MASSIVE group of people on the Internet that just, support sexual infidelity, and think that telling people sexual infidelity is wrong isn't right, or believing that sexual infidelity is wrong is bigoted. I don't get it? If someone cares enough about sex to cheat on me, how is it me in the wrong for not liking that person for it? Overall not that serious, but what does the rest of this community think? Maybe I'm skewed but I mean, I just feel like cheating is cheating and sexual infidelity is obviously wrong.

This might seem insensitive, but I'm just ignorant not like really mean. But, what would the point of coming out be? I'm talking about my family, I have told friends and they're supportive, but, I'm not close with my sister, my brother is a bit closed minded and I tried to tell my mom that I didn't like it or want it because it worried me about the future with me eventually wanting a family of my own and she told me "you've just had bad experiences, you'll find the person someday" which I feel a bit offended by, but my mom isn't bigoted I just wasn't very clean I was sort of just dropping hints.

But, I am Gray or Demi, and I feel like a .. "fake" ace in a way? I don't know, it's just that I will probably find someone that I connect to eventually, but it's definitely not going to be something I want to be sexual with constantly, and even if or when I'd be fine with it, I don't think I'd want it often, so part of me is saying that my mom is right about that because I'm more in the middle of the spectrum, but the other part of me realizes that once I had the revelation that I was on the Asexual Spectrum I became a much happier person because I felt like for once I discovered part of myself I never had before.

So, asking all aces, would it even be worth coming out to my family?

I feel really lost in life, I'm young and had really bad past experiences, and I just struggle so hard with feeling content. I'm on the Asexual Spectrum, I don't know exactly where but it's either Gray or Demi (I don't fully know because I realized my asexuality after my last relationship). But, I just feel so worried.

To explain why, I have wanted children ever since I was extremely young, it's just a personal dream of mine, and I feel so worried that I'll A.) not be able to have children because of my asexuality getting in the way of things B.) not be able to find another ace who wants biological children C.) feel pressured to do things more often than I want to because of having children/trying

I think the thing I'm most worried about is the fact that I won't be able to find someone like me as an ace, not only I would want to be with an ace, I have so many standards, I would prefer them to be demi or gray, I'm heteromantic so I would only be interested in women, I would want them to want children as well (this is somewhat a deal breaker as I would never want someone to feel pressured because it's my dream) and that doesn't even begin to start with personality

I realized during my last relationship (it was toxic and she was hypersexual) that I couldn't ever be with someone who doesn't take me or my interests seriously, and she didn't, she sexualized my interests and if I ever talked or got nerdy about something I enjoy she'd immediately pressure me into sexual encounters saying my rambling was "turning her on" it genuinely broke my soul because I feel like my interests were never even known in our entire relationship because I'd constantly hear "Sorry I wasn't listening to you, I was listening to your voice". (also she cheated on me when I wouldn't do shit with her, so it's pretty bad in that capacity too)

The problem with this is I'm weird and nerdy, and I feel like people won't share my interests, I spend like 80 percent of my free time listening to extreme metal, and I also love folk and emo is pretty cool, and I love the Soulsborne games, I have toys and comics and I love reading comics, specifically paperback novels, I want people to not only share some of these interests, but also care about the little things, I want someone to know I don't like socks because they make my feet feel funny, I want someone to know that my favorite pass time with them would be napping together, I want them to know that I'm allergic to a bunch of stuff like strawberries and gold and shellfish, and actually care that they know these things, I want them to remember things, and not just write them off as being hot ramblings as I repeat myself for the 500th time about what my favorite color is, it's dehumanizing.

I just want to feel like I can find someone y'know? I feel like I struggle way more with dating, after my last relationship, I decided I'd wait until I truly felt happy with myself and understood myself and I've made progress, but it's painful watching my friends get into relationships and leave relationships, and repeat this cycle while I endlessly search for someone to understand me, while not even really searching at the moment

I have this friend, and he recently (like last week) left his relationship, and now he's flirting with another girl while being sad that he cannot be in a relationship with an entirely different girl who's moving halfway across the world. I feel so awkward when he talks about these things, he's had 3 relationships in the past like 8 months, and is trying to get into another one so quickly, and it's so awkward to hear him be like "Well I would want to be with her, but I have my eyes set on a different girl and she's absolutely hot, sadly she's moving though" I don't know it just feels disingenuous it seems like a lot of allos only approach people based how they look, and while I can understand being aesthetically attracted to someone it feels sometimes that's all people care about.

Anyways, sorry for being all over the place I just wanted to rant, I'm looking for advice from alloromantic asexuals that have had similar issues, did you ever find someone? I just want to know that out of the billions of people out there, there will be someone who understands me and listens to me and loves me not lusts me.