u/Cookie__15

Here it is, the very first chapter of the fanfiction I am currently writing about Jaeui!! (even made a custom cover for it :D)

I decided to post each chapter of this fanfiction one at a time, so that I could have reviews from readers and potentially change what seemed like something incoherent, poorly written or simply boring.

Also, I know that a lot of people were eager to see the version I also am working on about Ilay's POV, and I might be posting the prologue soon, so I'll warn you guys.

I might be adding small changes to this prologue, so don't be surprised if I end up adding many lines (as I find the end kind of messy) or modify some parts.

I'm always opened to criticism and opinions, I can't wait to see what people think of it :D And most importantly, enjoy!!

Once more, I'll drop a small analysis because I just came across an interesting question in this thread: "Why didn't Ilay kill Taeui?"

I suppose it's pretty intuitive for everybody: Ilay didn't kill Taeui because he's in love with him. While that isn't false, the reality of Ilay's thoughts and debates with himself is much more profound than "I can't kill him because he's dear to me"

Ilay has never felt attached to anyone. Not his parents, not his siblings, not his allies, not his peers, not even his past sexual partners.

Affection is something Ilay has never experienced, such as guilt as well. Therefore, since he was extremely indifferent to others, whether he had to get rid of them by harming them, or even (and more often) ending their life, was no bother to him.

When something came in his way, he would simply get rid of it, in order to:

1. Not bother himself with "pests that do nothing but bark"

2. Not risk that they eventually come back in the future to try to harm him again.

In other words, he did that to not feel a mental burden (those tiny things are nothing more than an insect's bite to his indifferent eyes), but also as a way of self preservation.

However, the only and first person to ever stir his emotions is Taeui. When with him, he felt captivated, he had interest in normal human things (like watching Taeui's every move when all he does is complain (legitimately) because he has become a pariah and is overworked)

From the very start, Ilay always wanted to keep Taeui safe and sound as long as possible. Unconsciously, he rejected the idea of killing him, even before he became his assistant instructor.

Like when he thought Taeui could've been part of the bomb incident, instead of killing him immediately like he did for others, he talked to him in order to make sure that Taeui hadn't betray him.

It's not betrayal as in "I trusted you to be my ally", more like "I valued you different". And at that time, I believe even Ilay wasn't fully conscious of that.

When he considered coming to the Asia branch as an instructor, it wasn't because the job was interesting to him: it was because Taeui was here, and most importantly, was the only one qualified to become his assistant.

He didn't have any particular animosity towards the European members, he got along "well" with the ruthless Crazy Rick, he could be diligent and serious when asked. Ilay probably knew that all to well.

During a scene (that unfortunately hasn't been adapted in the manhwa), Ilay was touching Taeui's face, saying: "Good, I don't want to fight with you right now. I want to keep you safe for as long as possible."

The "I don't want to fight with you right now" is kind of the foreshadowing of "I can't kill you."

When Ilay said "right now", it implied that maybe later, he would, but now was not the time. And that's the first time in his life that he postponed harming, fighting or even killing someone.

The "real" first time he did that was when Taeui pointed a gun at his neck. Before knowing the gun wasn't loaded, Ilay really was going to kill Taeui, if the instructor hadn't come in time. But then, surprise surprise, no bullets inside.

THAT'S when Ilay gave up on killing Taeui... at least for now, or so he thought.

"Why kill him now when he didn't actually intend to harm me? I can always kill him later if I have a reason to" is NOT something Ilay would normally say. But Taeui, a person who had already sparked him interest, really did stand out by his awful boldness (that Ilay sometimes considers naivety) and tactics (I feel like the little tricks Taeui used in the early chapters are sort of a metaphor to Taeui's personality, as he does everything he can not to get harmed himself, and not to harm anyone if possible)

The more Ilay spent time with Taeui, the more curious he became about him. The boy he himself stated to find "average" and "boring" had become his only source of entertainment. Not out of boredom, like he did with cigarettes and alcohol, and not out of lust, like he did with his past sexual partners, but out of genuine interest.

When Taeui ran away from him, who Ilay really was mad at wasn't Taeui at all, and never was Taeui.

Taeui left him standing all alone against his will. He disappeared without a trace, and while he did drug him and abused him before leaving, this isn't even what Ilay cared about when they reunited.

Ilay was so mad that he really thought he should kill Taeui. I don't feel like he wanted to kill him to "punish him", or to "avenge himself", but more because he needed to "get rid of the cause of his torments", just like he's always done.

And Ilay, not knowing what he was feeling, naturally believed that Taeui was the direct reason to his uncomfortable feelings. But in fact, it was not Taeui: it was Taeui's departure.

So when he saw him again in the forest, even very far away, he immediately decided to "kill him later, because after all, I still can do that anytime" (sure, Ilay, suuuuuure)

But now that he had reunited with him, his only issue was no longer "how do I make him pay" (because it never was in the first place), but "how do I make him stay".

Unconsciously, he was aware that he couldn't stand the fact that Taeui could run away from him, cutting all bounds (also a huge gap between Taeui's and Ilay's personalities, as Taeui didn't do as much when he brother EXPLICITELY cut ties with him lol)

But he soon realised that keeping someone who doesn't want to be there is a tough task. And because Ilay is a terrible human being who isn't used to feeling stuff, he didn't know how to communicate explicitly his needs, wants and FEELINGS.

Taeui firstly misunderstood (and honestly who wouldn't), and kept on reassuring himself that one day, Ilay will get bored of him and eventually either kill him or let him go.

But Ilay didn't plan on this. In his mind, Taeui and him were bound to be for life. The fact that Taeui was still thinking about running away frustrated him a ton, so much so that during that one scene when Gable interrupted them and Taeui cried, Ilay found himself overwhelmed with new feelings he didn't even know the existence of and couldn't understand why he felt this way.

Once more, he thought that Taeui (as a person) was the reason of his despair, and wanted to kill him once more, his hands twitching unconsciously.

But then again, he gave up, as he couldn't bring to kill someone who was "his", or in other words, someone he needed by his side.

I could also talk about that time during season 3, just after Taeui got raped for the first time and gave Ilay a big punch in the solar plexus (that should've been mortal but Ilay isn't built like us apparently). Ilay's hand almost automatically reacted, as he stated himself, but he could control it in time (before he reached Taeui)

Even back then, he was resolute to the idea of never killing Taeui. He let someone punch him without throwing a punch back, and for someone like Ilay, this is really a huge step.

This is pretty fractured but I hope it was clear enough (and that I also answered the question properly), if you have any more questions (regarding this matter of something else), don't hesitate!!

Also, if you disagree or want to add something, feel free to do so :D

I don't know if anyone needs to hear this or to be reassured, but as someone who fully recovered, I can assure you that the process is tough, incredibly painful but 100% worth it.

(I'm going to vaguely explain my journey with eating disorders, so some things might be triggering, but it's only to show how much I've healed and how far I came)

It took me two entire years to fully get rid of my eating disorders. I first started to develop anorexia in late 2023, and it got really bad. At that time, my heart stopped beating twice. I could cry in front of 5 grams of rice. Every morning, it would take me 10 minutes to just sit from my bed.

Even my dreams were haunting me. All I ever was thinking about was food, food, food. And if I ended up eating in one of my dreams, I would lock myself up and hide the key, afraid that I might unconsciously eat in my sleep (while I've never been a somnambulist)

I pushed myself to mental and physical exhaustion. When I was going to school, I either slept in class, or slept in the infirmary. But I didn't even go to school that much because I was constantly going to appointments with psychologists and doctors.

I was drifting away from my friends, I stopped doing anything besides watching other people eat or work out myself. I can state for a fact that I truly died during that time of my life. I didn't die physically, but I did mentally.

But then, I wanted to eat again. Just because I missed the comforting feeling of eating I used to feel before being sick. I naively thought that I could maintain my sick body while eating. At first, it worked, as I went from not eating anything at all to eating once every 5 days. But then, because my body progressively got used to eating again, it started to crave food so bad that extreme hunger followed.

And after that, pain would stick to my skin like a curse. Not only was I eating against my will, but the more I restricted, the more I would eat afterwards.

It got so bad that the only solution I found to stop hating myself was to shower. I was taking up to 15 showers per day, scratching my skin until it bleeds, and whenever I would step out of the shower, it was only to binge, and then shower once more.

I couldn't sleep. My mind would constantly wake me up, because I was afraid of what could happen to my body when I was unconscious. The way it would store fat without me realizing terrified me.

And when I realized that there was nothing I could do against it, I started to self harm. I had suicidal impulsions, and I would punish myself for every bite I took by cutting myself open.

My mind was already a mess, but now, it was full of terror, pain and brutal confusion.

The blurry state of mind anorexia had given me completely disappeared, forcing me to gain back my consciousness and face what I was doing to myself. Which only made it worse.

I couldn't stand anything about myself, couldn't look at any part of me, couldn't differentiate what was real and what was not.

But I kept going. I sought help, I progressively learnt to move on, I found new hobbies, I learnt to embrace change, and while I still had some phases where I would restrict or binge, it was slowly starting to get better.

Now, since September 2025, I haven't restricted nor have I binged. I'm at a healthy weight, I don't lack any nutrients, my mind isn't obsessed with food anymore, I'm grateful for my body, I love to work out because I love movement, not because I obsess over it. And most importantly, I'm feeling better.

My brain doesn't drift to dark thoughts anymore. I have passions, I have friends (my loyal and lovely friends I was lucky to have during the darkest of times, I love them so much!!),

In other words, I BEAT THE DEADLIEST MENTAL ILLNESS!!

It's a long and incredibly painful process. People may criticize you, not understand your sickness, leave you, insult you, but your resilience helps to make a change for yourself, and for the better.

I'm so proud of having been a victim of anorexia (and later on, bulimia), because I've proven myself how mentally strong I was, and how mentally strong is every single person fighting on the daily against something that's literally eating them alive.

That was my short little message of hope, but also a very vulnerable message (I might delete this post later)

If you're struggling, and if it's been a while, just know that it's never too late to heal. Anorexia Nervosa is a mental illness that one can't have control over, and every single one of us beats it as they can.

I'm proud of you if you've read this far (this probably means you intend to heal!) and a recovered life is so much more worth it than a life filled with pain and hatred

If you have any questions or need someone to talk to, I'm always there :D