u/CorncobMacabre

I’ll just keep it short and sweet. We got the news today that we will only be able to likely succeed with IVF. After lots of money, painful testing and a lot of time waiting, my husband and I are needing some support to cope with this news. We had a natural conception loss last year that we still aren’t over. I am heartbroken, angry and overwhelmed, as I’m sure you all understand.

I want to come into this new journey with positivity and hope, but I may be staggering and need help standing. I’ve been crying all evening. I’m worried about every aspect that’s to come: financially, emotionally, physically.

I’m a 36F, husband is 39M. We could use our spirits being lifted.

I just instacarted 12 different kinds of ice cream. We’ve been super healthy since we started the fertility journey- tonight, we are taking a break from healthy eating.

I got this nasty message from this throwaway account that knows a little bit too much about my personal life. I blocked and reported them- I know you can find anyone on there, but to go as far as Pinterest to harass someone? I find it so bizarre. I wanted to see if this has happened to anyone else?

If this post isn’t allowed because my account is too new, fine. I had to delete my old one of many years due to crazy harassment.

Friday I nearly spiraled out of control. I am not well, still. The depression I am feeling is consuming me from the inside out. I can’t breathe, I can’t find my way above water.

My wonderful history, not in perfect order: I underwent severe childhood abuse, and got let down by every adult that knew and saw the evidence. My family abandoned me. My dad, the only one I was close with and reason I managed to stay sane, died recently. I took care of him for a year when he was deteriorating in hospice, driving back and forth for three hours one way on my days off and FMLA for that year. I underwent a lot of horrible betrayal from friends I trusted. I got assaulted by a psycho ex that harassed me for two years even with a restraining order. Law enforcement couldn’t have cared less, and the victim advocacy program is a joke. I had a medical emergency. I then got pregnant for the first time ever and lost my baby after years of infertility, and had to watch my beloved and kind husband be devastated with me. I can’t give the man I love a child. And after surviving all of that, I started a new job where my boss became a predator and started becoming abusive towards me. It was bad. I was berated, belittled, humiliated, hit on/sexually harassed, among other things. Silver lining: HR finally took me serious and fired them even after so many complaints from other coordinators before me. (I’m a registered nurse in Quality and work as a Quality coordinator, my boss was the Director of quality management and there is only two of us in this department.) I was left alone to manage a department I was brand new in and not properly trained with no boss or guidance and had all of the responsibility on my shoulders of my hospital for three weeks including joint commission visit that had me working way passed time that entire week. Finally got a new DQM who is competent. The stress of this caused me to get a UTI. Ever since my dad died, my immune system crashed and I get them recurrently even if I do absolutely everything to prevent it. My hygiene is pristine, I’m careful with my perineal care, I take cranberry supplements and try to stay hydrated. Stress and minor dehydration gets me super sick with an infection.

I finally broke. The sadness and torment and PTSD of my entire lifetime of trauma flared with a wrath that rendered me near death. My OCD is running my mind into the ground and I can’t get it to stop. My body and mind is exhausted. I am NOT okay.

I reached out to my therapist. I went to work extra early so I could leave early to get to the appointment, sleep has been elusive so this was a sacrifice. She cancelled on me at the last minute due to double booking. I NEEDED THIS APPOINTMENT. I was polite in my response and did gently express that I really needed this appointment. Her response “I’ll send you breathing exercises and worksheets that might help”. SMH, thanks, that will surely fix everything. Then I got a text from the fertility clinic we are going to that my copay for a consult is hundreds of dollars for even a virtual visit, after insurance.

I am not well. NO, I will not go to the ER and I’ll tell you why: Sometimes, ER nurses don’t give a shit about patients when they’re in crisis, especially if that patient is a nurse. Not all, but many. They treat them like they’re weak and an inconvenience. I’ve seen it on both sides- as a working RN and as a patient. Zero empathy, and they’ll make fun of people for being in crisis. I can’t miss work either. My job pays the bulk of our expenses.

‼️‼️Don’t let my experience negate you from seeking help if you need it. Not all nurses are like that, and advocate for yourself if you ever need to. I just happened to have a shit experience. I am proud to say I was NEVER that kind of nurse. Being sick myself, I understand what it’s like to be in pain.‼️‼️

So I’m holed up in my bedroom, alone, spiraling, hurting and just….miserable. I got my period today, but my PMDD isn’t done with me. My husband is at work until late tonight.

I’m hurting. I’m aching. I’m miserable. I’m suffering. And I’m trying to not bring my husband down with me in my pain. He supports me so much, but I don’t want to hit him with a barrage of negativity.

Thank God for him, his loving heart and his sweet empathetic soul. Thank God for my animals, my sweet babies. Otherwise, it would be game over for me.

I just want to be alone. I want to lay down. Thank God for my meds and PRNs so I can take the edge off of my inflamed nervous system.

I HATE THIS DISORDER AND THE JOY IT ROBS ME OF. I HATE FEELING UNSTABLE AND SUFFERING WHEN I AM A GOOD PERSON WHO REALLY TRIES TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND FIGHTS TO SURVIVE AND HELPS OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE SUFFERING. IM NOT PERFECT BUT DONT DESERVE THIS.