I 22f in a relationship with 28m. I think I’m the narcissist in the relationship
Okay so here we go. Bear with me. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We arguably have an age difference (not significant but noticeable.) we have always had an amazing relationship and really this is my first relationship I’ve been in. I struggle with bpd and sometime around 1.5 years into the relationship i noticed it becoming an issue in the relationship. If that’s all that it was/is. We often bicker and fight over stupid shit, with just a few bigger arguments in the time we’ve been together.
Recently a couple days ago, we were sitting on the couch. I started moving my arms like he was and saying what he was saying. Not really sure why. I was smiling and joking around (I think?) I’m not really sure why I was mocking him. He was laughing and smiling so to whta I thought I didn’t think I was upsetting him. A couple seconds later I stop and we go back to watching our show. I go to ask for the remote to pause it because I was going to tell him something, and he started mocking me back. I kept asking for the remote and as he mocking me and I’m asking for the remote he refuses to give it to me and mocks me . I know I shouldn’t be upset considering I’ve been mocking him for 2 minutes. Anyways. I get off the couch to grab the remote from him, when he clenches it and waves it away from me. I try to pry it from his hands and he still has the remote and with all his strength pulls it away. In frustration I walk into the bedroom to get away because I was severely pissed. I walk back into the living room to talk to him about what has just occurred, when I start hearing football on the tv that was changed from our show. That makes me very upset and I start raising my voice asking why he wouldn’t give me the remote and kept withholding it from me. We start arguing for a bit. And he says that I do things to upset him and get a reaction from him, which now that I see it, isn’t far off base…. We start arguing. He brings up the fact my friend is a swinger and she invited me to a club (I denied) and he starts demanding my phone. When I refuse, he is screaming GIVE ME YOUR PHONE OR GET THE F OUT OF HERE . when I refuse to either give him my phone or leave, he opens the window (we live on the 3rd floor of our building) and starts hanging my items out of the window to throw out. I walk into his bedroom to grab his most prized possession, his Kanye poster. When I walk into the living room the act as though I’m going to break it. He drops my things and runs over to me and manhandled me and wrapped around me and ripped it from my hands, he was wrapped around me and refuses to let go. I pull his hair and he’s hurting me and so I push him away. We argue for a while, and out of anger and frustration I say something along the lines of like maybe this is one of the reasons you failed college (I’m not sure how we got there but we did and I said that) and he’s saying things like there’s no wonder you’re a crazy bpd ridden trailer trash, product of meth, nobody can love you that’s why your mom left you. I get very angry and say “when your cousin offed himself did you feel bad? Like you could’ve done more?) I know how fucked up that was. Like so incredibly. I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth… and then he says maybe that’s why you were assaulted as a young girl. Go be a sl\\\*\\\* and use your body. It’s all you’re good for. And idk….. he posted something on Reddit and all the comments say that I’m a narcissist. And I’m starting to believe them. I need help. Seriously. Like idk what you guys think if anybody will even see this. I don’t want to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him so much and I don’t know why I do or say these things especially in arguments.
tl;dr I think I’m a narcissist I say the most hurtful things and poke at my partner
tl;dr i intentionally hurt my partner and got the same O.D. my own medicine and couldn’t take it