u/Creative-Use-5723

i keep bracing myself for basically everyone that is in my life to finally pull the rug out from under me and try to do something sexual and it makes me freak out so bad in normal situations with people i fully trust to not be like and and no matter how hard i work on everything else i can’t get rid of that. it makes me feel so nasty because these are people that i REALLY do not want to think of in that way. i don’t even think of myself as like a sexual being either but it’s just that like, of course this is what people close to you would do? very hard to break since i still live with my parents who DO do that stuff. i just don’t know how to get over myself idk

in class the other week they were going over family dysfunction & what that could look like and disorders it could lead to and it was beyond weird hearing people talk about that stuff so casually and as if it isn’t normal cause i did not know that stuff was so bad. i mean ive been in therapy for a bit now talking about that crap but man IDK

part that gets me was when they went over bulimia and were talking about basically exactly what i’ve been doing since i was a kid and it was fucking weird and exposing ??? i mean i knew it prob wasn’t the best but IDK, full on bulimia ??? like i haven’t made myself throw up since i was a kid and that’s what that is though isn’t it? sorry if a dumb question just i genuinely do not know and haven’t ever approached a space like this

and i don’t think i’ll ever really fully comprehend it and i feel guilty for that. like at the absolute very best they felt like annoying coworkers. it’s hard enough to even comprehend that that what happened is indeed bad at all and it’s never really felt like a betrayal because i never cared about them in the first place. idk.

like when my friends talk about like confiding in their parents and like willingly spending time with them it sounds like a sitcom or something lol. and they act like what’s happened with me is like so unspeakable but i really can’t get why it feels like that to them half the time

Sorry if inappropriate to post.

Thinking back on some things. When I was with my ex, he would do a lot of stuff that I told him I didn’t like, but he’d say that I said it was ok earlier (this was around the time I was first realizing what I’m dealing with). There were many times we’d be having sex and something like that would happen. Or a child part would come out and get really scared at what he was doing. The majority of those times though I know I gave the ok.

The thing is like, am I even able to consent if I have DID? Cause my therapist says the stuff he did was pretty bad but it feels fairly unfair to label him like that when it was on me in that way. Not to say it didn’t hurt me, I’m aware it did and working through that along with all the other crap, but like, ? Am I like, legally able to consent to anything with a disorder like this ??? Sorry if bad question. Just don’t know how to feel about anything with this

went to the dentist this morning and it was horrible and usually i can do ok with it but today was just so bad they had to do a lot of extra stuff and i freaked out pretty bad and the dentist got like actually concerned for me and i just feel really horrible idk why i have i to be like this

i just feel so so so beyond stupid. i don’t know what my problem is. i mean ive known for 2 years now that its my dad but i dont know why thinking about that is suddenly so difficult. just so hard to conceptualize that they were the same man. i mean i was asking my mom where my “real dad” went when i was little but it was always just him. i dont know

He tells me all about how much he’s done for me and all the good things constantly but almost always it came with something horrible.

“Who took you to school every day, helped you with your homework?” >! It was the same man who would feel my genitals and degrade me and get his own little strip show from me every single morning before school from preschool to 7th grade. The same routine, every. single. morning. !<

“Who paid for and took you on all those amazing vacations? Who spoiled you!” >! The same man who I woke up next to with my ass bleeding who then had my mom “inspect me” while he watched. Who won’t ever let me sleep with anyone else so he could sleep with me as if I was his partner and guide my hand towards his crotch. !<

“Who looked after you? Who fed you and took you to the doctor and such?” >! The same man who would hold me down and penetrate me with enemas while I screamed and wrestled for my life as a toddler. !<

I know objectively that these things aren’t great but it’s so hard to both see them as that and to even pick apart what’s bad and what is just normal parent stuff. And this is just the little I have in my memory. Almost none of my flashbacks are explained and I don’t know what to do. >! My ex boyfriend abused me objectively far worse but I rarely get flashbacks of any of that. And I can tell it isn’t events from him as it’s always with hands much larger than his, adult hands on a little body. An adult body on a little body. I can feel my father’s stubble. I can remember the things around the house that I focused on as things were happening, but not the events themselves. Focusing on the windows, the colors of the walls, the pictures and paintings, my dog’s bed, my toys. Anything but him. !<

I don’t know what to trust at all I just feel like I’m insane. I want so badly to go back to feeling like it’s just normal I want to be numb again so bad. My therapist and my close friends act horrified but is it really that bad is it really I don’t know I’m sorry

I know already that he’s done a lot of bad crap to me that undoubtedly is abuse of this kind but it’s very difficult for me to pick out what’s weird

1. Sleeping very close with me. Whenever we go on vacation (sometimes he just does it at home though i’ve been more distant with him lately so he doesn’t), he insists I sleep with him and he literally does not allow me any other option. And it’s not like, just sharing the same bed. Like very close. Like, it’s the same closeness from when I used to sleep with my ex-boyfriend. Hands on different places on each other and stuff. Sorry if kinda vague. Any attempt made by me to get out of sleeping with him like this will not work.

2. Grabbing and slapping my ass / me doing it back to him. He’s done it since I was a pretty young child and has only stopped very recently (though my mom still does it a lot). Only sometimes would it be underneath clothes as a kid but he’d do it a lot in general. It was a little game were I’d do it back to him too. In high school (he worked at my school), I’d come up to him in the hallway and do these things back to him, and he’d have to pull me aside multiple times to explain that he doesn’t want to see “that behavior” in public. But like, what behavior ? idk

3. idk if this makes sense but sometimes he like, pretends I’m his date? Maybe I’m projecting (also I’m trans and have only been transitioning for a little over 2 years but still. at least he’s inclusive and affirming ig?). Like, there’s been a lot of really weird kinda freudian slips and him having to be reminded I’m his kid or that I’m not my mom and it’s really weird and obvious and kinda uncomfortable. He never did that part of all this when I was a boy too. Sometimes this has proceeded him doing some other weird shit to me and other times it hasn’t. Either way it freaks me out

Do dads normally do these things. I’m way too embarrassed to ask my friends. Sorry if this seems stupid and glaringly obvious I really promise I’m not trying to be stupid