u/Creative_Apartment54

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore and I need outside perspective because my emotions are completely all over the place. Sorry in advance because this is going to be long.

Me (27F) and my ex (24M) were in a long distance relationship for about a year. We had an extremely deep emotional connection. We talked about marriage, kids, future plans, living together, everything. He constantly called me his soulmate and honestly I believed it too because of how emotionally connected we were. We would talk all the time on calls/texts and even now I still think the love between us was very real.

We met 3 times during the relationship and in total spent around 2 months together in person.

The issue is that long distance slowly became unbearable for him.

About 7 months into the relationship, he told me he was struggling badly because we had not seen each other for around 3 months. Around this time we were also arguing more often because of the stress and distance. To try and save the relationship, I flew to see him again. That trip honestly felt mostly good at the time. We had some arguments, but overall I left thinking we were okay and still very much in love.

Then around 2 weeks after I came back home (we had been together for 9 months at this point), he broke up with me. He said long distance was brutal for him and he couldn’t handle being away from me anymore. But even after the breakup, he still kept telling me he loved me, calling me his wife, saying he missed me constantly, and acting emotionally attached to me. We had also briefly broken up before and always reconciled quickly, so emotionally it never really felt fully “over” to me.

I genuinely thought he was conflicted, not completely done with us.

So as a last attempt to save the relationship, I booked another flight to see him again, which he agreed to. We planned to basically spend the trip together like a couple.

During that trip, I accidentally discovered an entire hidden side of his life that completely shattered me.

I found deleted videos/photos of him crossdressing, engaging in sexual things with men, posting explicit anonymous content online, using Grindr/Reddit for months, participating in fetish/CNC communities, etc.

He completely broke down crying when I found everything. He told me most of it started after the breakup because he “couldn’t do long distance anymore” and wanted to explore himself sexually since he had experienced confusion around this in the past too and never fully processed it.

But I also found out he had downloaded Hinge, talked to 50+ girls, slept with at least one girl (possibly more), and was planning to continue hookups after I left again too.

When I asked him why he did all of this while still claiming to love me, he basically said that he wanted out because he couldn’t handle long distance. He wanted physical intimacy and validation. He compartmentalized hookups from emotional love. He didn’t think he could sustain commitment like this for years. But, he also couldn’t emotionally let go of me.

He admitted that if the distance continued, he would probably continue seeing other people because he “can’t do long distance loneliness.” When I brought up the possibility of an open relationship, he said no because the thought of me being with someone else would destroy him emotionally.

After I found everything, despite how devastated I was, I still tried to understand his side because I loved him deeply. I told him that if we were going to continue, I needed complete honesty and loyalty moving forward because my trust had been completely shattered. He agreed, apologized repeatedly, promised he would try to become a better man for me, and said he never wanted to hurt me like this again.

He proposed to me again during the trip (which had become a sort of tradition whenever I visited him), talked about marriage again, forever again, future again, etc.

Then days later, I found out that he had downloaded Hinge the literal same day I flew home after my previous visit. We were both crying over missing each other that same day while he was simultaneously downloading dating apps and talking to other people. We had a huge argument and he admitted he doesn’t think he can actually do this relationship anymore because he thinks the distance will eventually make him repeat these same patterns again.

The next day, I ended up in the ER because of an infection. Initially he did not come immediately because of work obligations and said he “didn’t want the responsibility of being there for someone else,” which hurt me deeply because I was terrified and alone. He later left work, came to the ER, apologized for the things he said in anger and took care of me afterward, and spent the rest of the trip being loving and caring toward me with a few arguments here and there. During goodbye, we were still kissing, cuddling, crying, saying “I love you forever,” etc. right up until my flight home.

Now I’m back home and he texted me things like: he woke up looking for me in bed, my smell in his room makes him cry, he misses me constantly, he feels like he lost his soulmate and best friend and he’ll love me forever.

And I’m just emotionally destroyed because I can’t reconcile these two versions of him: the loving, emotionally attached, gentle person and the person who cheated for months, hid entire secret lives from me, and was prepared to continue seeing others.

Part of me feels like this relationship is deeply unhealthy and unsustainable. Another part of me feels like I just lost the deepest connection of my life.

I genuinely don’t know if this is trauma bonding, if he’s emotionally avoidant, if love can exist alongside betrayal like this, if he truly loved me, or if I’m just making excuses for someone who repeatedly hurt me.

Logically, I know most people will probably tell me to leave and never look back.

But emotionally this feels so much more complicated than a normal breakup because the love itself still feels very alive on both sides.

I ended things before leaving because I knew staying in this dynamic would keep destroying me emotionally, but I still love him deeply and I think part of me always will.

I just need outside perspective because my brain and heart feel completely split in half and I genuinely cannot talk about this with anyone in my real life.

TLDR: My long distance ex deeply loved me emotionally but secretly spent months exploring hookups, dating apps, and hidden sexual lives during our relationship/breakup/on-and-off phase because he “couldn’t handle the distance.” We still love each other deeply, but he admits he would likely repeat these behaviors if the distance continued. I can’t tell if this was real love mixed with emotional dysfunction or if I’m just making excuses for someone who repeatedly betrayed me.

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore and I need outside perspective because my emotions are completely all over the place. Sorry in advance because this is going to be long.

Me (27F) and my ex (24M) were in a long distance relationship for about a year. We had an extremely deep emotional connection. We talked about marriage, kids, future plans, living together, everything. He constantly called me his soulmate and honestly I believed it too because of how emotionally connected we were. We would talk all the time on calls/texts and even now I still think the love between us was very real.

We met 3 times during the relationship and in total spent around 2 months together in person.

The issue is that long distance slowly became unbearable for him.

About 7 months into the relationship, he told me he was struggling badly because we had not seen each other for around 3 months. Around this time we were also arguing more often because of the stress and distance. To try and save the relationship, I flew to see him again. That trip honestly felt mostly good at the time. We had some arguments, but overall I left thinking we were okay and still very much in love.

Then around 2 weeks after I came back home (we had been together for 9 months at this point), he broke up with me. He said long distance was brutal for him and he couldn’t handle being away from me anymore. But even after the breakup, he still kept telling me he loved me, calling me his wife, saying he missed me constantly, and acting emotionally attached to me. We had also briefly broken up before and always reconciled quickly, so emotionally it never really felt fully “over” to me.

I genuinely thought he was conflicted, not completely done with us.

So as a last attempt to save the relationship, I booked another flight to see him again, which he agreed to. We planned to basically spend the trip together like a couple.

During that trip, I accidentally discovered an entire hidden side of his life that completely shattered me.

I found deleted videos/photos of him crossdressing, engaging in sexual things with men, posting explicit anonymous content online, using Grindr/Reddit for months, participating in fetish/CNC communities, etc.

He completely broke down crying when I found everything. He told me most of it started after the breakup because he “couldn’t do long distance anymore” and wanted to explore himself sexually since he had experienced confusion around this in the past too and never fully processed it.

But I also found out he had downloaded Hinge, talked to 50+ girls, slept with at least one girl (possibly more), and was planning to continue hookups after I left again too.

When I asked him why he did all of this while still claiming to love me, he basically said that he wanted out because he couldn’t handle long distance. He wanted physical intimacy and validation. He compartmentalized hookups from emotional love. He didn’t think he could sustain commitment like this for years. But, he also couldn’t emotionally let go of me.

He admitted that if the distance continued, he would probably continue seeing other people because he “can’t do long distance loneliness.” When I brought up the possibility of an open relationship, he said no because the thought of me being with someone else would destroy him emotionally.

After I found everything, despite how devastated I was, I still tried to understand his side because I loved him deeply. I told him that if we were going to continue, I needed complete honesty and loyalty moving forward because my trust had been completely shattered. He agreed, apologized repeatedly, promised he would try to become a better man for me, and said he never wanted to hurt me like this again.

He proposed to me again during the trip (which had become a sort of tradition whenever I visited him), talked about marriage again, forever again, future again, etc.

Then days later, I found out that he had downloaded Hinge the literal same day I flew home after my previous visit. We were both crying over missing each other that same day while he was simultaneously downloading dating apps and talking to other people. We had a huge argument and he admitted he doesn’t think he can actually do this relationship anymore because he thinks the distance will eventually make him repeat these same patterns again.

The next day, I ended up in the ER because of an infection. Initially he did not come immediately because of work obligations and said he “didn’t want the responsibility of being there for someone else,” which hurt me deeply because I was terrified and alone. He later left work, came to the ER, apologized for the things he said in anger and took care of me afterward, and spent the rest of the trip being loving and caring toward me with a few arguments here and there. During goodbye, we were still kissing, cuddling, crying, saying “I love you forever,” etc. right up until my flight home.

Now I’m back home and he texted me things like: he woke up looking for me in bed, my smell in his room makes him cry, he misses me constantly, he feels like he lost his soulmate and best friend and he’ll love me forever.

And I’m just emotionally destroyed because I can’t reconcile these two versions of him: the loving, emotionally attached, gentle person and the person who cheated for months, hid entire secret lives from me, and was prepared to continue seeing others.

Part of me feels like this relationship is deeply unhealthy and unsustainable. Another part of me feels like I just lost the deepest connection of my life.

I genuinely don’t know if this is trauma bonding, if he’s emotionally avoidant, if love can exist alongside betrayal like this, if he truly loved me, or if I’m just making excuses for someone who repeatedly hurt me.

Logically, I know most people will probably tell me to leave and never look back.

But emotionally this feels so much more complicated than a normal breakup because the love itself still feels very alive on both sides.

I ended things before leaving because I knew staying in this dynamic would keep destroying me emotionally, but I still love him deeply and I think part of me always will.

I just need outside perspective because my brain and heart feel completely split in half and I genuinely cannot talk about this with anyone in my real life.

TLDR: My long distance ex deeply loved me emotionally but secretly spent months exploring hookups, dating apps, and hidden sexual lives during our relationship/breakup/on-and-off phase because he “couldn’t handle the distance.” We still love each other deeply, but he admits he would likely repeat these behaviors if the distance continued. I can’t tell if this was real love mixed with emotional dysfunction or if I’m just making excuses for someone who repeatedly betrayed me.

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore and I need outside perspective because my emotions are completely all over the place. Sorry in advance because this is going to be long.

Me (27F) and my ex (24M) were in a long distance relationship for about a year. We had an extremely deep emotional connection. We talked about marriage, kids, future plans, living together, everything. He constantly called me his soulmate and honestly I believed it too because of how emotionally connected we were. We would talk all the time on calls/texts and even now I still think the love between us was very real.

We met 3 times during the relationship and in total spent around 2 months together in person.

The issue is that long distance slowly became unbearable for him.

About 7 months into the relationship, he told me he was struggling badly because we had not seen each other for around 3 months. Around this time we were also arguing more often because of the stress and distance. To try and save the relationship, I flew to see him again. That trip honestly felt mostly good at the time. We had some arguments, but overall I left thinking we were okay and still very much in love.

Then around 2 weeks after I came back home (we had been together for 9 months at this point), he broke up with me. He said long distance was brutal for him and he couldn’t handle being away from me anymore. But even after the breakup, he still kept telling me he loved me, calling me his wife, saying he missed me constantly, and acting emotionally attached to me. We had also briefly broken up before and always reconciled quickly, so emotionally it never really felt fully “over” to me.

I genuinely thought he was conflicted, not completely done with us.

So as a last attempt to save the relationship, I booked another flight to see him again, which he agreed to. We planned to basically spend the trip together like a couple.

During that trip, I accidentally discovered an entire hidden side of his life that completely shattered me.

I found deleted videos/photos of him crossdressing, engaging in sexual things with men, posting explicit anonymous content online, using Grindr/Reddit for months, participating in fetish/CNC communities, etc.

He completely broke down crying when I found everything. He told me most of it started after the breakup because he “couldn’t do long distance anymore” and wanted to explore himself sexually since he had experienced confusion around this in the past too and never fully processed it.

But I also found out he had downloaded Hinge, talked to 50+ girls, slept with at least one girl (possibly more), and was planning to continue hookups after I left again too.

When I asked him why he did all of this while still claiming to love me, he basically said that he wanted out because he couldn’t handle long distance. He wanted physical intimacy and validation. He compartmentalized hookups from emotional love. He didn’t think he could sustain commitment like this for years. But, he also couldn’t emotionally let go of me.

He admitted that if the distance continued, he would probably continue seeing other people because he “can’t do long distance loneliness.” When I brought up the possibility of an open relationship, he said no because the thought of me being with someone else would destroy him emotionally.

After I found everything, despite how devastated I was, I still tried to understand his side because I loved him deeply. I told him that if we were going to continue, I needed complete honesty and loyalty moving forward because my trust had been completely shattered. He agreed, apologized repeatedly, promised he would try to become a better man for me, and said he never wanted to hurt me like this again.

He proposed to me again during the trip (which had become a sort of tradition whenever I visited him), talked about marriage again, forever again, future again, etc.

Then days later, I found out that he had downloaded Hinge the literal same day I flew home after my previous visit. We were both crying over missing each other that same day while he was simultaneously downloading dating apps and talking to other people. We had a huge argument and he admitted he doesn’t think he can actually do this relationship anymore because he thinks the distance will eventually make him repeat these same patterns again.

The next day, I ended up in the ER because of an infection. Initially he did not come immediately because of work obligations and said he “didn’t want the responsibility of being there for someone else,” which hurt me deeply because I was terrified and alone. He later left work, came to the ER, apologized for the things he said in anger and took care of me afterward, and spent the rest of the trip being loving and caring toward me with a few arguments here and there. During goodbye, we were still kissing, cuddling, crying, saying “I love you forever,” etc. right up until my flight home.

Now I’m back home and he texted me things like: he woke up looking for me in bed, my smell in his room makes him cry, he misses me constantly, he feels like he lost his soulmate and best friend and he’ll love me forever.

And I’m just emotionally destroyed because I can’t reconcile these two versions of him: the loving, emotionally attached, gentle person and the person who cheated for months, hid entire secret lives from me, and was prepared to continue seeing others.

Part of me feels like this relationship is deeply unhealthy and unsustainable. Another part of me feels like I just lost the deepest connection of my life.

I genuinely don’t know if this is trauma bonding, if he’s emotionally avoidant, if love can exist alongside betrayal like this, if he truly loved me, or if I’m just making excuses for someone who repeatedly hurt me.

Logically, I know most people will probably tell me to leave and never look back.

But emotionally this feels so much more complicated than a normal breakup because the love itself still feels very alive on both sides.

I ended things before leaving because I knew staying in this dynamic would keep destroying me emotionally, but I still love him deeply and I think part of me always will.

I just need outside perspective because my brain and heart feel completely split in half and I genuinely cannot talk about this with anyone in my real life.

TLDR: My long distance ex deeply loved me emotionally but secretly spent months exploring hookups, dating apps, and hidden sexual lives during our relationship/breakup/on-and-off phase because he “couldn’t handle the distance.” We still love each other deeply, but he admits he would likely repeat these behaviors if the distance continued. I can’t tell if this was real love mixed with emotional dysfunction or if I’m just making excuses for someone who repeatedly betrayed me.