u/CrimsonGray09

Trigger Warning: abuse, suicide, depression, self-harm

Right now as I am writing this, my family is having another fight. It’s been like this for a few years now that it’s almost normalized. This is not normal, I know. As I grow older, I realize how broken and tragic my family is.

My context is going to be a mess but ako sa panganay sa tatlo. Hindi naman kami mahirap, teachers ang parents ko. For a while, hindi ko alam kung anong mayroon sa akin o kung ano yung mali. Inisip ko na ako iyon and it reflects to my past journals and poems. Laging may theme na gusto kong magbago, may magbago.

But exactly last year, I became an atheist and finally accepted myself as bisexual. My parents, especially my mother cannot believe it. She turned it into jokes and thinking about herself. She was never supposed to find out, but my younger sister saw me crying and I had no choice but to come out. I expected a hug, but she just sat there, shocked. She didn’t show it but I felt anger and disappointment from her. I comforted her, hugged her, but it felt wrong. After that, I never told her anything huge about myself again.

Since then, nakita ko kung gaano ka-abusive, manipulative, toxic, controlling, narcissistic, at infantilizing ang parents ko. Yes, they gave us a house, education, “palamuning pagkain”, and care, but something always felt off.

For the abusive part, they are abusive to us in almost all ways apart from neglect. Corporal punishment might be normalized in our country, but it never works. It is counted as physical abuse in many countries. The standard hangers and belts. When my parents and brother get into an altercation, they verbally abuse each other. My mother calls him “demonyo”, “baboy”, “palamunin”, homophobic remarks (because he’s quite feminine), and other normal words that her tone makes it sound like a slur. They remind me to always fear them, another manipulation normalized in our country. We are always taught to fear our parents because it is love and respect but now, I realized it’s like having a gun in my head just for me to love them.

My parents also fall for the child investment mindset. They have encountered these views before and claimed that they don’t have it. Yung mga anak daw na iniisip iyon ay walang utang na loob. Sabi sa akin, dapat naman tulungan ang mga matatanda kahit hindi mo sila ka-ano-ano. Lagi nila sinasabi, well mostly my mother, na hindi sila nag-anak para maging palamunin lang. Isa pa, mag-anak daw ako para kapag matanda na ako, hindi ako mag-isa at may mag-aalaga sa akin.

When I told my mother I told my friends first about my sexuality, she got angry and quite jealous. She told me never to trust anyone but them because friends will turn on you and backstab you later. I think she never understood what friendship is and people like that are never your friends. That’s what all she knew about friendship. This is why I always feel guilty for being happy whenever I am with my friends. They always me why am I always sad around them but happy with my friends. Baka raw naubos ko na ang tawa ko. Baka raw si Sadness na ang nag-take over sa akin. Ito pala yung meaning ng movie na Inside Out, but she never understood the last scene when Joy finally letting Riley feel Sadness. She is always confused and took the opposite lesson from it. Another thing about trust is they want me to trust them with all my secrets, with all my privacy. I never had my own room until these past months, well, I have my brother sharing with me. They don’t want to put a door. They always want everything to be open. They always want me to stay downstairs because they never see me, but I just never really felt comfortable around them.

My mother also guilt trips me when I no longer her little obedient boy. I’ve always been obedient, but I realized maybe this is just love disguised as obedience. She always reminisces when we little were little children, noong napaka-dependent namin. Sa kanila lang umiikot ang mundo naming at noong hindi pa kami sakit ng ulo. Ngayon puro stress na lang kami. Hindi raw ito yung inaasahan n’ya noong ginusto niyang maging ina. Gusto niya akong maging independent pero ayaw niya akong lumayo. Nag-apply ako sa UP para college admission pero hindi naman niya ako papayagan kahit makapasa ako kasi hindi niya kaya. Yung mga interest ko tulad ng astrophysics at geology, tinawag n’ya akong weird. Baka nga hindi ako makapasa dahil hindi ako nakapag-review. Tumutulong lang ako sa paggawa ng bahay buong bakasyon. Hindi pa nga tapos eh.

Ngayon… hindi ko alam. Buong bakasyon din, pakiramdam ko depressed ako. Of course, I hid it. But I have been depressed and suicidal since December. Distraction lang ang school at activities pero ‘pag wala na, bumabalik ulit. I hate myself. I know how to connect with my emotions and express them, but I felt depleted from doing all of that. I turned to self-harm (just scratches but I still had wounds) but I can’t keep doing it because it became noticeable. I wished I won’t wake up tomorrow, I wished I never existed, I wished no one would care. I still do. I vaguely planned on doing it today but I just can’t. I’m always too scared. Now, I’m stuck. I don’t know. I planned on going to my school’s guidance councilor but my father is a teacher at my school so I can’t. I obviously can’t go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Frankly, everyone in this family needs to have a therapy. The only things keeping me sane is writing in my journals, reading experiences, and watching videos about related topics.

There is a lot more things I need to say like some kind of victim playing, victim blaming, the sexually inappropriate touches they did na “panlalambing” lang, threats na i-upload sa social media, ipadala sa boys town, ipabaranggay, yung mga sigawan, yung cheating ng mother ko na baka sampung taon ko na alam, yung situation ng brother ko. Ang hirap magmahal at makaramdam ng pagmamahal.

My mother tells me that if you put vinegar in a dish and stir it immediately, it becomes bitter. So what she does is let the dish boil for a bit before stirring it.

I wonder if this is also true for other people.

We use pure vinegar directly from nipa trees.