r/PanganaySupportGroup

Hi nanays, I'm a mother of 3 (currently 8 months pregnant) and earlier today, I'm thinking of ending my life- but first I wanna write something for my kids, at least an explanation and apology, but I can't find a pen so here I am.

Do you have pandemic babies?? Hehe bec that's when I had my first baby girl. She's just so precious but hard truth, I got paused and I set aside my career, my life. I focused on being a mom and a wife. After graduating, I worked, passed the licensure exam and even passed the civil service in the same year. I thought I can still do it even im already a mother.. but no. Right now, im in soooo much debt, husband doesn't want to get involved eh pero the reason naman kung bakit ako nalubog is bec out monthly allowance is just 12k. 1 yo, 5yo and me, 26. Hays.

Right now, I don't know. Kawawa naman yung baby ko kung isasama ko pa sa kagagahan ko. Pero pagod na pagod na ko, being an ate (breadwinner), being a wife, being a mother, working 12 hours straight duty for a minimum income 🥺 sobrang unappreciated ako in every aspect. Hays

Ever since noong bata kami once ko lang nakita nagsusugal ang papa ko, yun yung sa arcade game na kabayo, siguro 8 years old ako noon at yung napanalunan nya binili nyang ihaw-ihaw para may maulam kami sa gabi. Ngayong 26 years old na ko saka pa sya nalulong.

Ngayong umaga, nagnotif yung TALA email sa gmail nya na naka login rin sa phone ko dahil ako yung gumawa ng email nya. Nag loan si papa ng 2k at due sya ng Nov 15, hindi ko alam kung saan sya kukuha ng pang bayad kasi hawak ni Mama atm nya at sweldo nya lang sa isang buwan ay 12k lang. For context Si papa 2nd year high school natapos pero nahihirapan din sya makabasa at umintindi. Kaya yung sugal nya naka translate sa Tagalog pero kahit tagalog hindi nya pa rin maintindihan kasi sobrang "lalim" ng translations, need nya pa kami puntahan sa kwarto para iexplain kung pwede withdraw yung napanalunan nya. Hindi ko rin gets kung saan nya nakukuha mga pang gastos nya. Bukod kasi sa sugal meron pa syang alcohol addiction, na kailangan gabi gabi umiinom ng alak para makatulog. Kapag walang alcohol sa sistema nya mukha naman syang maayos na tatay.

Minsan palagi ko syang nakikita na nakayuko kakapindot sa cellphone nya "scatter....scatter..." mga lumalabas sa bibig nya. Kaya nyang tipirin sarili nya at pamilya nya para lang may pang bili ng alak at pang cashin sa sugal. Kapag nananalo naman sya ang una nyang ite treat yung mga barkada nya sa trabaho, hindi kami nang hihingi or nag eexpect na mabigyan pero kami kasi yung nahihirapan sa ginagawa nya. Baka kasi kung kani-kanino na sya nangungutang para sa pang cash in nya ng sugal at minsan sya pa ang humahawak ng malaking renta ng mga tenants para iremit sa amo nya, ayoko kasi magaya sya sa mga nababalita na kunwaring naholdap or nanakawan pero pinangcash in na pala sa sugal. Sinabihan ko na rin sya ng Mali at bawal yung ginagawa nya pero sino ba naman ako, babaeng anak nya lang naman.

Ngayon natatakot ako sa magiging outcome ni Papa, since kutob ko tinuturuan sya ng mga barkada nya sa trabaho about sa sugal at mga loan apps na pwede utangan. Pero gusto ko rin na sya na matuto sa magiging consequences nito at kung meron man, ayoko at hinding hindi ako magbabayad ng nagawa nya. Ginawa ko na ang part ko, pero mas mahalaga pa ata ang dikta ng barkada kesa sariling pamilya.

hi fellow panganays!

for context:

He is currently an active member of the military, and di ako pinanganak kahapon para hindi ko malaman na there have been salary increases sa hanay nila these past years. He spends most of his days sa kampo, his essentials are well provided as well but ang hindi magrasp ng utak ko ay yung wala lagi siyang pera when it comes to us (his family). Sinanla niya pa sa kung kanino yung atm niya for 50k back in 2023 and until now di pa natutubos when continous naman siyang nagkakapera (his bonuses and sometimes he would loan). Another thing, kapag nagkakapera siya, he would not give the entire amount to my mother (who handles our finances) and would only give her a fraction. Magagalit pa siya kapag naubos na yung money na para bang wala kaming needs and other essentials na need bilhin. There was a time na he forgot to log out his account sa old phone niya and my mother tried to skim through his chats and he got mad when he found out. Mahilig din siya mag-erase ng convo for no apparent reason and there have been unsaved numbers calling through his phone.

Some random day, bigla ko naisip na what if hindi naman niya sinanla yung atm but nasa kabit niya? haha mababaliw na ako kaiisip wataef

May kapatid (M15) akong (F20) na halos lahat na lang ay inaasa sa saken. Simpleng gawaing bahay, hindi magawa nang kusa. Paghuhugas ng plato, paglalaba at pagtitiklop ng sariling damit, pag-aayos ng higaan pagkagising, paggising nang maaga and the list goes on.

Earlier, tinanong ko nanay ko kung kailan siya maglalaba para makisabay ako ng uniform, pero biglang umimik kapatid ko ng, “Wag nang labhan yan, di ka kasi mahal ng nanay mo.”

It struck a nerve and i'll admit tinamaan ako sa sinabi niya, lalo na’t marami na kaming naging arguments nitong mga nakaraang linggo. Nauwi kami sa pisikalan, pero ang pinakamasakit, siya na naman ang ipinagtanggol ng mga magulang ko and pinagsasampal pako ng nanay ko. Ako pa ang sinabihang selfish, at dapat daw hinayaan ko nalang dahil lalaki siya, kesyo ako ang panganay na babae.

Pagod na akong maging masama sa tuwing napupuno ako. Tangina for once, gusto ko lang din maramdaman na may kakampi ako sa sarili kong pamilya.

Ngayon, gusto ko nang bumukod para sa peace of mind ko, pero ₱800 na lang ang last money ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupulutin o kung paano ako magsisimula.

Gusto ko din namang maging anak na inaalagaan, hindi laging inaasahang umintindi.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I'm unemployed, we're behind on rent, and our electricity bill hasn't been paid for two months. I'm the eldest and I've always felt like I'm supposed to be the one who provides, but right now I can't even make sure there's enough food for everyone for the entire day.

I'm trying to find a job, but how do you even get a job when you have no money? Transportation, requirements, food while waiting for your first paycheck, everything costs money I don't have. I'm trying to find WFH work, but nothing has worked out so far.

Tonight I went on Whisper because I just needed someone to talk to. I wasn't looking for anything sexual. I just needed to vent.

Instead, I got men hitting on me. One guy offered me money for nude pictures and videos.

And the worst part is... I actually considered it.

Not because I want to. Because I'm desperate.

When you're worrying about whether your family will eat tomorrow, you start thinking about things you never thought you'd consider.

I feel so fucking helpless. I'm tired of being the eldest, the responsible one, the person who's supposed to figure everything out.

I don't need anyone to fix my life. I just want someone to listen without wanting something from me.

I'm really scared right now.

For context, I'm (19F) a second year college student and I have a sister (17F) na naglayas from home. We're from a province, and I'm staying in the city to study. Around more than an hour ang byahe from our home and the city.

And I admit, my family is fucked up. Totally fucked. And I also admit, I feel like my life is better than my sister because at least for me, I'm not staying in that hell-like house na parang nasa hukay ang isa mong paa habang tulog ka. At least ako, hindi ko naririnig lahat ng sigawan, mura, at away ng mga magulang namin. At least ako, kahit mag isa lang ako dito, ay hindi ko sila kasama.

Just kanina, my sister messaged me saying pupunta sya sa akin qnd dito daw sya matutulog. At first— until now— I was hesirant. Sabi ko baka di ako payagan ng landlady ko, which is true kasi bawal bisita sa boarding house na tinutuloyan ko. But she was persistent, talagang pilit na pilit gustong maglayas. I told her I can offer her NOTHING. Emphasis on nothing cus that is the truth. Studyante pa lamang ako and idk wtf to do in this kind of situation. And whenever I asked her what happened, sagot nya sasabihin lang daw nya pagkakita namin.

And so, shit happens and so be it. Pinayagan ko but sabi ko uuwi sya sa bahay pagkatapos nyang magkwento kasi I thought she just needed her ate— this wasn't the first time.

So ayun, dumating sya. Kwento nya binugbog daw sya ng punyetang papa namin. Sabi ay nagalit daw si papa kasi ginamit ng sister ko ang shirt nya tapos parang ang sobra ng galit ng papa namin kaya nagdabog daw ang sister ko. Edi mas lalonv nagalit si papa, binalik balikan sya sa kwarto nya at sinuntok ang likod at bugbog daw. At some point nasira pa ang door knob sa kwarto ng sister ko.

Nakakanginig. Tanginang yan. Potangina.

Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko. Kwento pa ng sister ko, natatakot sya umuwi. Mamamatay daw sya doon. Kaya I became shameless and asked my landlady if ok ba mag stay sya dito for tonight at umoo naman yung landlady.

But honestly? Idk, I really don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know who to run to. I don't know who to talk. I don't know. What the fuck hindi ko alam.

I tried to talk and forced my sister na umuwi na. Kasi kilala ko yung magulabg namin eh, damay na ako. It may sound selfish pero putangina takot na takot din akong madamay. Putangina.

Pero ayaw nya talaga. Takot daw sya. At naiintindihan ko naman yun, kasi ako nga takot eh pani pa kaha sya na bugbog?

Pero pucha naman, anong magagawa namin. Putangina naman. May pasok pa ako bukas eh. Tangina ano ng mangyayari bukas? Tapos yung cellphone pa ng kapatid ko na iphone ay na disable kasi apple ID ng mama ko gamit nya, kaya ayon putangina wala na disable na ni mama. Putangina hindi ko na alam.

Tangina nakakagalit. Gusto ko nga mag post doon sa offmychest PH pero putangina hindi enought karma points ko. Hindi ko alam may babasa ba nito at makakatulong pero tangina ang bigat sa dibdib eh.

I'm glad that my sister can freely ask for her ate, but wtf. Why am I the ate? I'm so tired. But I don't want to be a narc and act like I'm the one hurting the most pero tangina. Ang sakit, ang bigat.

Please, I don't know what to do. Or maybe deep down I know but I'm just scared.