u/Critical_Turn_3088

Been here for a few months. I have seen a lot of "discarded" posts (quotes for titling not sarcasm). It seems to be prevalent. However, it is not my experience. Yes, everyone is different. I am not over generalizing the diagnosis. Rather I am just curious if there are others with clingers hanger-oners rather than discarders.

I am not diminishing the experience of those who have been discarded. I have been there before in another relationship and it was heart shattering. My current relationship is just different and has progressed to the point where I would prefer to be discarded.

Has anyone noticed trends/ common behaviors of clingers hanger-oners vs. discarders?

Note: Steps are currently being taken to distance/ separate.

Edit: After comments, the word I chose seems to have a different meaning than I intended. I must not be hip on lingo. I'd like to change "clinger" to "hanger-oner".

I only say toddler because that's my boy.

PLEASE consider TSA Cares. I cannot beg you enough. This saved my sanity this summer. It was life changing (not exaggerating here).

Edit to add: Many of you already know this. This advice may be for new-to-the-community parents.

He was having anxiety on Wednesday. Sure. He was also drinking (SO is diagnosed alcoholic who is on his 4th relapse in 8 months). I took him to the ER for concerning behavior. Diagnosed BP during relapse prior to this one. He has been in the hospital this time5-6 days. They were adjusting his meds.

The hospital called today. They were going to discharge him but I let him know that I was setting boundaries and could not be a part of his discharge plan. He told them he couldn't come home. So they called me. The phone call start with a discussion about his anxiety. The psych team doesn't think he needs inpatient. Fine but he certainly should not have been drinking 1. because he has SUD and 2. because his med cocktail with alcohol is pretty close to deadly. Does that sound manageable to everyone?!? Oh that's my job?!? Wait.... it's not.... so why are you trying to send him (who hasn't managed it) home to me?

Ffs, I am so tired of him controlling the narrative when he shows up at the hospital. The victimization and poor me is..... frustrating.

I informed them, in short, of the insanity that has been my life for the past year in and they were like "well where is he going to go?"

"I don't know but this isn't his first rodeo. He has been in an out of rehab his entire adult life"

"Well we can't force him to go to rehab"

"I am aware. This isn't my first rodeo either"

"Well I just don't know where he will go"

I can't save him!!! I wish with all of me I could but I can't. Doctor please PLEASE don't guilt trip me. If he is psychologically sound enough that yall want to release him why are you having this conversation with me?

For clarity, no I do not know the whole story. I won't ever know. It is just a therapeutic exercise. Maybe some of you can relate.

Hello,
We will probably never talk in person but I just need to get this out.

I just wanted to say I am sorry. We have never met. But I have been judging you for years.

I walked into Q's life just as you were walking into your new marriage. I was quickly told how horrible you were. You cheated. You kept the kids from him. You were cruel while he was trying to recover. You were selfish. You.... on and on and on. I heard it ALLL. All.... from his perspective. And I believed it all.

I know I still don't have the facts. But... I honestly feel closer to you than any other woman in the universe right now. I understand why you left. I understand why you took the children. I even understand why you cheated, if you actually did. I get wanting to have someone listen to you, care for you, feel protective of you when you feel scared, betrayed, alone, unseen. Cheating is not for me but I get it.

Did you stay up and wonder if he was coming home? Did you wonder if he was cheating on you? How many times did you visit him in the hospital? How many times did you try to find him help? How many times did you try to be the savior? How did you tell the kids each time?

Looking back I think we have more in common than I ever realized.

I always was going to be better wife. Yet now, as I begin to set the same boundaries you eventually started setting (I can assume), I see that I have become you in his eyes. So, for a while, I was "better". Not anymore.

Anyway, cheers to you for doing what you felt was best for you and the children.

I hope you have found the serenity I am now seeking.

Respectfully,

Seeing the Pattern

The deets:

4th trip to the hospital for Q in the last 8 months.

Last time included a 5150 then a 5250 then a bipolar diagnosis

He is completely unwilling to go to meetings/ work a program.

The year has been filled with a ton of fear and instability for me and my kids.

I haven't spoken more than 10 words to him since he was admitted. No idea how he is doing. And at this point I am done. I do not want him back in the home.

How do you guys get over the "You're throwing me out" "You are making me homeless" various accusations and lack of accountability? Like I want to be strong but... am I?

Entered Al Anon in 2021. Been in an out. Just came back.

Upon reentry, due to absolute chaos in my life due to my Q (and my part too), I have been to a few in person meeting where I have expressed my exasperation. The common response is "Keep Coming Back" which.... I will.

AND....

I was in the car the other day driving and it popped into my head something that made me laugh.

"Keep Coming Back" sounds to me like "Guuuurl...you need help. Get yo behind back here next week"

So I was wondering, do you have a funny interpretation of any of the slogans? Like what do they "really" mean?

Also, if this offends you because you hold the slogans in a sacred space, please know that I do not want to invalidate them or diminish them but rather identify more with them.