u/Crownjules

To start with sorry for the long rambling post, also I completely understand I am absolutely not without blame here, and if I'm honest with myself, I was the catalyst for this entire mess.

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I've (M45) been together with my partner (F48) for 22 years, it hasn't always been easy but we'd always tried to make it work and there was, and still is real love between both of us.

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10 years ago I had two separate one time affairs with women from my work, it was such a fucking stupid thing to do, it was in the aftermath of a very big argument between us, prior to that I had been messaging with one of them for a few months before I put a stop to it going any further, I justified sleeping with them at the time as "Well, we're probably going to break up anyway", again, I know, so unbelievably stupid and hurtful.

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Fast forward 5 years later, and she found pictures that had linked to my google pics account and confronted me about it, I compounded the hurt for her by lying about one of the women I slept with, and saying it was only one, she found out it wasn't and in the end I confessed to everything I'd done.

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It was one of the hardest, most humbling experiences I've ever gone through having to confront the pain I'd caused her, she pretty much immediately slept with a few guys she met online, but she was still willing to try and make it work, the stress was compounded by the fact that all of this was happening during COVID lockdowns.

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For 6 months we tried to make it work as best we could, then when lockdowns finished I went away to visit family and discovered she'd slept with one of the guys again when I was away for the night, I was understandably devastated, but forgave her straight away, I understood what I did destroyed her and realised I needed to show compassion.

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I gave her the option to put a hold on things and let her work through whatever she needed, she said she wanted to still make it work.

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Now, 10 weeks ago I found out from an old text on her phone that she had an affair with one of the guys she slept with for over a year from late 2022 through to 2024, it has completely rocked everything for me, the details of it are really painful, he was in my bed while I was away caring for my mother, she spent the night with him a few time when she said she was visiting family, one time after a big fight we had.

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The worst thing is I knew something was going on during this time, but I was so racked by guilt over hurting her and fear of loosing her that I didn't say anything.

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She put an end to it in 2024, and is genuinely remorseful and I don't believe she's ever going to do something like this again, and despite some nastiness from both of us, we're trying to see what's left, if anything.

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She still wants to try to make it work but at this point there just feels like there's just so much hurt from both of us that at times it feels insurmountable.

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I just feel completely paralyzed as to what comes next, added to the fact that I'm still dealing with such guilt over what I did to her initially, I know her choices are her own, but I genuinely believe if I hadn't of fucked up to begin with she never would have done someone this.

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I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this, I just feel really alone and scared as to what comes next...