u/Cryystalmoonn

(New account, figured i'd make my first post here since there dont seem to be any new account requirements. Also sorry i put a lot of context in the post but feel free to either read it or just answer the title question.)

I know this topic might be controversial to some. But I am currently trying to figure my stuff out and i want the general public's opinion. I used to be a traveler in my car, barely getting by, hungry, new city every night. Just paying for gas and minimal food from working for doordash now and then. But I honestly absolutely loved my life. It was hard, sure, but it was SO full every single day. full of peace, nature, sunshine, new experiences, friendships, community, beauty etc. but sometimes stress, fear, uncertainty and cold cold nights and sweltering hot days as well. I got into a relationship with my current partner and moved in pretty quickly. We were under the agreement that i didnt have to get a "real job" as long as i took care of all the house chores and the animals while my partner worked full time, and i made money on the side to pay for myself if i ever needed anything. so i didnt depend on my partner for money or make them pay for me.

Well here we are a few years later and unfortunately my partner had to get a new job which doesnt cover the mortgage and bills. Now i work alongside them. Im not sure why but something in my brain is literally wired to be unable to work a regular job and want to continue living. something about it just literally makes life feel entirely pointless, to the point where id rather be starving on the street than be completely depressed working a "regular" job so thats exactly what i did for years. I know i could use some mental health help but ive always been too broke to get a therapist or psychiatrist as an adult.

Anyways, now im working overnight stocking at a grocery store, and life feels bleak again. My days pass by in the blink of an eye, since i sleep all day even on my days off. I am only 23 and I really feel like im throwing my young life away. Its the end of springtime and i havent even had a day to sit outside and appreciate it, which is almost physically painful. But i know if my dad was alive, he would probably be happy that im not a bum in his eyes anymore. My partner enjoys working, yet also feels like its a waste of life. Something in me is screaming at myself to not give in to capitalism mindset though. And that feeling is exactly what led to me living some of the most exciting, amazing and genuinely hardcore parts of my life, parts that i am hella proud of. I just need opinions.

edit to add: I realized i forgot to mention that we had a business together, where we made stuff and sold it at popup markets. we did it full time for almost a year, and we were 50/50 on that when it comes to work. And when my partner ended up working full time again, i listed, sold and shipped stuff on ebay and other online markets for the business that helped pay the mortgage. So i did find a job that i actually enjoyed. but it just wasnt enough to pay the bills