Men: If you're a good partner overall but have anger issues during arguments, what actually helps?
I'm looking for honest perspectives from men, especially those who have struggled with anger in relationships.
My partner is genuinely a great man in almost every other aspect of our relationship. He's loving, hardworking, a great father, supportive, and we have a good life together.
The problem is that when we have arguments, it's like he becomes a completely different person. He says extremely hurtful things that are clearly meant to tear me down, attacks my character, and uses comments he knows will hurt me the most. He'll also make empty threats about ending the relationship or leaving, even though he never follows through. It feels like he's trying to inflict as much emotional damage as possible in the moment.
Once he's calm, he's back to being himself. He often regrets what he said, apologizes, and says he didn't mean it, but it keeps happening every time we have a serious argument.
I'm not looking for people to immediately tell me to leave. I'm genuinely trying to understand the mindset behind this behavior.
For men who have struggled with anger during conflict:
What was going through your mind when you said things you didn't actually mean?
Did you intentionally say things to hurt your partner, and if so, why?
Did you actually want to leave when you made those threats, or was it something else like a deeper meaning to other issues?
What finally helped you change, if you did?
As your partner, is there anything that actually helps during those moments, or is this something only he can work on himself?
I'd really appreciate honest experiences from men who've been on either side of this, rather than judgment.