u/D_epresso_Coffee

My partner is almost 9 months post-vasectomy.

He checked his sperm count (for both live and dead sperm cells) around a month ago and came back all clear with a perfect 0.

Unfortunately, he is still suffering from anxiety that somehow something will go wrong during our time together. We are currently long-distance, and where I live, abortions are not accessible, so I appreciate the concern. In the worst-case scenario, I would be on my own, needing to deal with the consequences.

Simultaneously, we only get to see one another two times per year, and having him finish inside has been something I’ve been looking forward to for so, so long. Especially since our next few weeks together will probably be next year.

I’m on the side of just doing it and not worrying about it. I understand his fear, since it would be his first time doing it raw and I’m not on any other form of contraception, but I also feel like we should do some… exposure therapy to get rid of that worry.

Am I blinded by my own horniness, or is there truly no reason for him to worry as much?

EDIT: Guys, why are you downvoting me, I'm serious ;-;

TW: mentions of depression, self harm and su*cidal ideations

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Not proof read and English isn't my first language, I'm sorry.

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My partner has been really depressed for a while, gotten particularly bad these past few months. I've been doing my very best to be supportive and always there for him whenever he felt bad. A lot of his feeling did come because of me, he has been very sensitive towards any criticism towards him. I have never criticized him as a person, his character but there have been a few actions in the past that I wasn't happy about and I tried my best to calmly communicate it. I can't stay looking the same kind of usual happy as when there is nothing wrong. A few things that triggered my insecurities and jealousy, he could have seen me getting clearly emotional and upset about. He really internalized the idea how he is not perfect in my eyes, how he is flawed and how I supposedly would have been happier without, how he always manages to mess up. He always makes everything his fault.

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Yesterday during the moment of tension he said "we used to have something special and now the relationship has deteriorated to sh*t".

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I just can't unhear it. It's just something I can't stay mature about. I love him so fucking much, I would do everything for him. I've been trying harder than for anything else ever in my life, I've always tried to talk about how things make me feel, never yelling, pointing out how I can be upset about the action without loving him less and how he isn't just his actions but it has clearly never been enough. What he said was a critique of a relationship as a whole, at least that's how the sentence sounds to me. Not of a certain behavior, certain part. Just "the relationship has deteriorated to sh*t". I feel like I just can't live with this.

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I've been crying so much. A part of me wants to scream at him how could he say that, how there is clearly no point and maybe he should get himself another f*cking partner with whom he can have a relationship that isn't just sh"t, another part of me just wants to cry and harm myself.

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At first I tried to move on, I fell asleep yesterday but it all just came back to me. I'm all alone, have absolutely nobody, no friend, no non judgemental family member.

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Maybe he didn't mean it that way, maybe he was just emotional and upset with himself and what he believes he and his depression did to a relationship. But I just can't make myself do better now, all I feel is that there is no hope, for him the relationship is just sh*t and stained and we *used* to be something special aka we no longer are.

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All I wanted was to be his wife and have the stability of somebody whom I could love deeply and wouldn't abandon me

My gynecologist noticed that my insulin is pretty high in comparison to glucose, got 2.47 on HOMA-IR, will go to diabetologist but haven't gotten the appointment yet (insurance covered appointments to specialist in my country take forever). That was my score in December which also was when I was 16 pounds lighter so I imagine that my score is only worse.

I have a huge problem with gaining weight really fast and my cravings are crazy. Intuitive eating based of off my hunger cues leads to me putting on roughly 4 pounds a month.

Got really fed up with that, counted my BMR, ate yesterday at my maintenance - around 1950 kcal. The only exercise I'm doing now are fast walks since I'm also recovering from herniated disc and any attempts to workout more end up with a huge set back, severe back pain and numbness in my limbs.

Anyway, I feel like I'm driven crazy. I ate at maintenance, was so effing hungry last night, woke up super hungry and with a migraine. I've been snappy even since the morning, I just can feel so so horrible and I'm not dramatizing. Feeling like that has always prevented my weight loss cuz if any exam or whatever was approaching I could never let myself keep deficit calories at expense of failing something major in life but ever since I put on considerable amount of weight it has somehow gotten so much worse than ever. I just know it that eating a whole ass chocolate would make all these feelings go away but I won't, I can't do that myself. I am doing part of my menstrual cycle when my cravings are the weakest. Idk how I'm supposed to manage later and it's been literally just 48 hours.

I'm drinking a lot of water, a glass of electrolytes a day. Yesterday I ate 230g of carbs, 80g of proteins and 75g of fat which according to my calorie tracking app should be perfect carbs, a tid bit too little proteins and 12g too much of fat... Which shouldn't be all that major?

Anyway, is this insulin resistance thing? Do I need to wait for that appointment and be put on some meds? Is this sugar addiction and I need to power through first 3 weeks and hope for the best? Anything else?

I'm 26F, 29.7 BMI