Struggling with my sons getting older
I'm a mom of 2 teenagers, 14 and 17. I'm very close to the 14 yo one, we have a very good relationship, he shares a lot, enjoys hugging, we have tons of fun together, go to the cinema, do things... At first I was resistant just going out with him and leaving the eldest at home, but my 17 yo never, ever wants to do anything with me. He's only interested if it's for paying him something like when I come have lunch with him at high school and pay him a fast food meal. Otherwise, 0 interest. He is very uncomfortable with hugging and kissing which I respect, even though it's so hard to resist when I still see his baby face in some of his grown up behaviours.
We used to be so close, he's my first baby and we were the entire world to one another. A few days ago I had to make some place in a room and found his childhood drawings, omg I cried all my tears when trying to triage them and throw some of them to the bin because there are so many. It became so, so hard that I had to stop it, just close the box and put it aside. Every time I think about his drawings I have so much happiness, fun, hear his laughs, his little voice...everything is coming out of the box all at once and it throws so much nostalgia.
I feel almost like I lost a child at 12 yo or something. He is so different now as an almost young adult that he's almost like a stranger who I need to get to know. It's incredibly hard and I wasn't expecting it'd be so tough.
It wasn't perfect when he was little as he was very intense but gosh if I could have just one hour with little him, just once, I would cherish the moment so much. I should have cherished it so much more back then. It's excruciating pain.
This post is only about my feelings because I had to share the hurt I feel - but I know I need to think about the future happy adults my sons will be and not just of myself.