u/DarrowtheHelldiver

First I just want to say how incredibly grateful I am for the privilege to largely control the life I want to build for myself and I will preface by saying I’m single and live alone so I have a lot of control over what items come into my life. I have too, over the last decade or so, really focused on decluttering, intentional buying and simplifying not only my space but also automating to do lists and systems and habits etc.

BUT I have hit a new level recently. I have finally got to a place where my space in particular holds items of use and beauty and not to many. Every night I get in bed and I have literally the same almost physical sense of gratitude for my simple life and cultivating beauty. That’s all just wanted to share!

I am the only senior member at the moment in a relatively small lab after our last post doc left last year. I have essentially been keeping the entire ship afloat for the last year. My PI keeps loading more and more work on my plate and expecting me to juggle multiple scientific (and completely unrelated) projects, grant writing, ethics applications, staying up to date on the literature, writing a paper, editing another paper, reviewing a grant proposal all while managing all our junior students and teaching them techniques and helping with their projects. He refuses to hire a new post doc or take on senior students that could actually benefit the lab and from my persceptive relieve some of my work load. Anytime I feel like I actually get something even remotely close to finished some other urgent task comes up, interrupting any work flow and throwing everything into a state of half done half not done.

I can’t possibly do it. My hints and even straight up admissions that it’s too much have been brushed aside. And honestly hours later usually followed up by another request for work. Usually I am able to juggle and stay on top of things but lately it’s just been too much and the amount of overwhelm is causing my motivation to plummet, like no human could possible get all this done or juggle this much at once and do anything remotely well. I have no idea how to bring this up without falling way out of favour and because our grant situation is extremely tight getting into a situation where the security of my job is threatened because of his perceived lack of performance from my end.

The lab is so reliant on my I would feel horrible leaving and almost like I’m betraying him and the students, especially with all my projects basically half finished but I honestly feel so mentally checked out and overwhelmed at this point, it’s hard to even sit down to do the things I know I can actually accomplish.

We can all agree this condition sucks. What things actually bring you a sense of relief or a bit of comfort? I find video games really help me get out of head and into another world and kinda has a pseudo social element even though I usually play more story based games than multiplayer. I also really like journaling and just venting my thoughts onto paper. What about you?

I love living alone - the freedom, having things just how I like it, not having to put on a mask constantly - but man some days I wish I had someone to take off some of burden.

Had an extremely chaotic last couple of weeks at work and had some issues with my health and a bunch of appointments and things are piling up and I feel like I’m falling apart and all I want to do is take a break and rest for a second but it all falls on me, all the time. I’m tired, boss.

Having a bad night and just in my head. I’m just feeling really down and small. I just can’t get over the feeling, which I have been feeling for a while, that I have no purpose. I literally have basically no dreams or goals or desires to accomplish anything. I feel like I have no future, like I’m literally just going through the motions until I die.

I’m in my thirties, I see old friends from high school (who I barely keep in touch with) getting married and having kids, getting advanced degrees and finding careers and relationships. They are building a life, I am just surviving. I have no desire to get married, have kids, I don’t even really have the desire to try to get into a relationship. I don’t have the energy to start let alone sustain anything. These things all seem so easy for people, they just almost fall into this “normal” pattern and I’m struggling trying to get through my work day so I can be alone again. I feel like I’m cosplaying as a human until I can go home. I feel like I have nothing to work toward, I’m just kinda here. Like the only thing I’ve really genuinely wanted is to get a dog and I have for years but I never take any steps to do so, I just come up with excuses why it’s probably not a good idea….because a dog would require me to go to the vet, to go outside for walks, what if it gets sick and because I don’t drive I can’t get it to a vet in time, I can’t leave it at home while I got to work etc.

When I was younger, before I knew I had avpd, my life was lonely but I felt like I had something to work towards now I just feel nothing.

Curious to know with no one but you dictating your schedule what time you crawl into bed?

Sometimes I get into bed embarrassingly early just cause I can.